I went for a walk this morning. I had to tell myself that I was only going to walk, no running and that I wouldn't even have to go the usual 2 miles if I didn't feel like it. It took an hour of arguing with myself to get out the door, but at least I finally got outside. My favorite part of walking is the communication and revelation from God. I got some clarity this morning.
I began to think about Lot's wife. Genesis 19 tells the story; Lot and his family were told to leave Sodom and not look back. However, Lot's wife at some point just had to turn around. And she became a pillar of salt. Kind of a strange thing to think about at 7:00 a.m. But this is what I got from it:
Looking back can stop you from moving forward. It can paralyze and immobilize you. The New Living Translation says "run for your lives." (yes, I noticed the version I looked up when I got home said RUN!) it would be very difficult to run if your not looking in front of you. And probably dangerous as well. This is where I have been for the past 8 months. A frozen pillar of salt; full of purpose and meant for Gods kingdom, but stuck looking behind me. When I would go out and run my thoughts were things like: "when I left Florida I had worked up to running half a mile, now I can barely run 60 seconds." "I lost 80 pounds in 6 months, now I've gained half of it back." "I can't get back to where I was." I focused on all the things I had in the past: a personal trainer, a gym membership, friends that noticed all the work I was doing, a church I could walk (or run) to. I had no motivation to work because I felt like I was starting from behind. I couldn't see progress because I had already accomplished these things and should have been farther than I was. Looking backwards had me stuck.
I realized this morning that I can't do that. I can't think about what I weighed 8 months ago or how far I could run or how much I've lost while being stuck in the past. It's time to look forward. What i did last year is not that important. What I do now is what matters. Looking forward, moving forward, focusing on now; that's what will bring accomplishments. So right now, where I'm at, regardless of the past, I noticed that yes I get tired after a 1 minute jog but my heart rate also goes back to normal piercer quick. Right now, I can do week 2 of "Run Your Butt Off" (a great book for new runners!) I can see progress today. And if I move forward, I will see progress tomorrow.
Take a moment and examine where your at. Are you stuck looking at the past? Wishing you were back at a certain point in life? Stop. Your life isn't over yet. Turn around. Move forward. Do something today to make a change.
Today, I did the whole 2 miles that I usually do. And I ran 5 one minute sections during my walk. I accomplished more than I expected when I walked out my door this morning. That's what matters. That's what I'll hold on to. No more looking back.
Thursday, April 21, 2011
Monday, March 28, 2011
Come boldly before the throne
Wow. I had no idea it has been 2 months since I wrote. I think that's what I say every time. No wonder very few people read my ramblings. That's ok, I'm heading back to where I belong. It's really hard to write when you don't have positive things to say. I guess that's why it's been so long. That and time flying by while I work to get myself correct. Warning - this is long - it's time to let everything out.
SO - here I am. It's been a hard 6 months. I won't lie. I honestly have gone to places I never thought I would go to ever again. I've revisited places of darkness that I thought were long past me. I hear the lying judgmental voices even as I write this. The voices that say I should not be so open, that people will never see me as a minister if I write these things, even the voices that say I have no right to be in ministry because I'm such a mess. But I write this anyway. And I thank God that I've come to a place where I really don't care anymore. I don't care what other "minister's" think of me. I don't care if I'm judged. I don't care if I'm never asked to preach anywhere again. (ok, I do care - my heart is to preach and I would miss that terribly - but it won't shut me up!) The enemy is a liar and there is no truth in him. If you read this and would think similar things, then reread the previous sentence. I am in ministry because God has called me to be - not because my life is right or because I'm who I should be - but because He chose me. I don't think my occupation defines what I should or should not go through. I didn't ask for this or expect it and I certainly didn't do anything to deserve it. But I'm glad God allowed this in my life. Here's my story.
For those who know me, my life hasn't gotten continuously better for several years now. The one thing I've battled throughout is my weight and a compulsive eating disorder. On October 3, 2009 I was set free of that and in 6 months time I lost 80 pounds. I started working with a personal trainer who became like a little brother to me, started jogging and working out. Things were great. I loved my job as a youth pastor and recovery center minister, my new life, and who I was becoming. Then in May 2010 we visited Phoenix Arizona and fell in love with the state. My hubby and I knew that God was calling us there and within 2 months He had provided everything we needed to move. I didn't cost us one penny. We arrived in Phoenix July 31, 2010. And everything changed.
Within a week of being here, the ministry we came to work for was turned over to us - literally signed into our names and suddenly we were running a recovery program. A program that had no curriculum, no structure, and no money. My husband became very busy. The ministry couldn't pay us and he didn't have time for an outside job, so finances were a major issue. On top of that, I had left every friend, my church, my trainer, my job - everything I had know for the last 12 years was gone. I started struggling with depression. I recognized it because I'd battled it as a teen and young adult. I lost all motivation to exercise. I didn't seem to connect with the people in this program like I had back home. After a couple of verbal attacks from people, I quit having any role and left the whole thing to my husband. I knew being the lead ministers meant dealing with difficult people, but I never knew the depth. (For example, one client had a fit that I wore new shoes one day - how was it right for me to have new shoes if she didn't have money for new shoes. True story!) I sunk so deep that I didn't even want to go out of my house. The only comfort I had was food and I quickly gained 30 pounds back in 6 months time. I didn't want to go to church, I felt totally alone. My husband couldn't understand and I couldn't explain it. I became so depressed that it scared me. I hadn't felt such hopelessness since my teen years. My food was out of control and I became severely bulimic again for the first time in 16 years. I felt like God wasn't answering me. I wanted to die. Yes, I really wanted to die. I thought it a few times. How badly I wanted to drive my car into a concrete wall and just have everything be over. I'm not saying it was right. I'm saying it was true.
God never gives us more than we can handle. right? He intervened a few times. I can see that now. A couple times while I was going through motions - pray write, worship right, talk right - He would get a message to me that would shake me up a bit. But sometimes you just have to be ready to. I said I didn't know how to get out of the pit, but honestly I don't think I wanted out of the pit. It was easier to hide in the dark than actually take responsibility for making new friends, eating write, stepping out in ministry, etc. That old scary darkness was at least vaguely familiar and therefore better than the unknown. Better than being judged by others. I knew I had been happier back home but I couldn't figure out why those things weren't working for me know. I happened to pick up a book one day browsing through a closing Borders called "Regaining Your Self". And God began to answer my cries for help. As I read it made perfect sense. I think I will save that for another day because this will be long enough already. And I finished the book "No Regrets" by my favorite speed track skater - Apolo Ohno. The break truly came one day when everything in me wanted to eat. I had decided once again to through my day away - eat til I was full and hang out on the couch, but first I needed to read the devotion for the day (I think it was March 8).
Let us therefore come boldly to the throne of grace, that we may obtain mercy and find grace to help in time of need. Hebrews 4:16. How many times do we read a scripture and it means absolutely nothing and then one moment - the right moment - God will take His Word and smack us over the head with it. I read this one simple sentence and broke. I cried. I prayed. It was like a light came on in the room and I suddenly thought - I have as much right as every other person who has ever existed to simply walk up to the throne of God and ask for help. So I did. I told Him how sorry I was for slipping so far away. And I thanked Him for His mercy and grace. And I asked Him to help me. Then I got up and walked away - away from the kitchen, away from depression, away from the lies of the enemy. God usually doesn't take it away - at least with me He doesn't. He gives us the tools, but we have to use them. God is faithful. He didn't let Joseph die in the pit, He didn't let me die there, and He won't let you wither. He'll send a way out - but it is up to us to actually take what is given us and run with it. The throne has always been there - waiting and open for us to come boldly - to receive grace and mercy - help and forgiveness - but we have to come. Every day I have to make the choice to take that grace that God has given. Every day I have to choose to walk away from the kitchen, to set goals, to fight depression. His grace is there to help us, if we are willing to use it.
So I'm back on track. I've learned so much more, but that is another blog. I've lost 10 pounds. I'm confronting some things that are long over due. But He is faithful to complete the good work He started. Maybe I needed to come here - to go through what I've gone through - to reach another place. I'm ready.
SO - here I am. It's been a hard 6 months. I won't lie. I honestly have gone to places I never thought I would go to ever again. I've revisited places of darkness that I thought were long past me. I hear the lying judgmental voices even as I write this. The voices that say I should not be so open, that people will never see me as a minister if I write these things, even the voices that say I have no right to be in ministry because I'm such a mess. But I write this anyway. And I thank God that I've come to a place where I really don't care anymore. I don't care what other "minister's" think of me. I don't care if I'm judged. I don't care if I'm never asked to preach anywhere again. (ok, I do care - my heart is to preach and I would miss that terribly - but it won't shut me up!) The enemy is a liar and there is no truth in him. If you read this and would think similar things, then reread the previous sentence. I am in ministry because God has called me to be - not because my life is right or because I'm who I should be - but because He chose me. I don't think my occupation defines what I should or should not go through. I didn't ask for this or expect it and I certainly didn't do anything to deserve it. But I'm glad God allowed this in my life. Here's my story.
For those who know me, my life hasn't gotten continuously better for several years now. The one thing I've battled throughout is my weight and a compulsive eating disorder. On October 3, 2009 I was set free of that and in 6 months time I lost 80 pounds. I started working with a personal trainer who became like a little brother to me, started jogging and working out. Things were great. I loved my job as a youth pastor and recovery center minister, my new life, and who I was becoming. Then in May 2010 we visited Phoenix Arizona and fell in love with the state. My hubby and I knew that God was calling us there and within 2 months He had provided everything we needed to move. I didn't cost us one penny. We arrived in Phoenix July 31, 2010. And everything changed.
Within a week of being here, the ministry we came to work for was turned over to us - literally signed into our names and suddenly we were running a recovery program. A program that had no curriculum, no structure, and no money. My husband became very busy. The ministry couldn't pay us and he didn't have time for an outside job, so finances were a major issue. On top of that, I had left every friend, my church, my trainer, my job - everything I had know for the last 12 years was gone. I started struggling with depression. I recognized it because I'd battled it as a teen and young adult. I lost all motivation to exercise. I didn't seem to connect with the people in this program like I had back home. After a couple of verbal attacks from people, I quit having any role and left the whole thing to my husband. I knew being the lead ministers meant dealing with difficult people, but I never knew the depth. (For example, one client had a fit that I wore new shoes one day - how was it right for me to have new shoes if she didn't have money for new shoes. True story!) I sunk so deep that I didn't even want to go out of my house. The only comfort I had was food and I quickly gained 30 pounds back in 6 months time. I didn't want to go to church, I felt totally alone. My husband couldn't understand and I couldn't explain it. I became so depressed that it scared me. I hadn't felt such hopelessness since my teen years. My food was out of control and I became severely bulimic again for the first time in 16 years. I felt like God wasn't answering me. I wanted to die. Yes, I really wanted to die. I thought it a few times. How badly I wanted to drive my car into a concrete wall and just have everything be over. I'm not saying it was right. I'm saying it was true.
God never gives us more than we can handle. right? He intervened a few times. I can see that now. A couple times while I was going through motions - pray write, worship right, talk right - He would get a message to me that would shake me up a bit. But sometimes you just have to be ready to. I said I didn't know how to get out of the pit, but honestly I don't think I wanted out of the pit. It was easier to hide in the dark than actually take responsibility for making new friends, eating write, stepping out in ministry, etc. That old scary darkness was at least vaguely familiar and therefore better than the unknown. Better than being judged by others. I knew I had been happier back home but I couldn't figure out why those things weren't working for me know. I happened to pick up a book one day browsing through a closing Borders called "Regaining Your Self". And God began to answer my cries for help. As I read it made perfect sense. I think I will save that for another day because this will be long enough already. And I finished the book "No Regrets" by my favorite speed track skater - Apolo Ohno. The break truly came one day when everything in me wanted to eat. I had decided once again to through my day away - eat til I was full and hang out on the couch, but first I needed to read the devotion for the day (I think it was March 8).
Let us therefore come boldly to the throne of grace, that we may obtain mercy and find grace to help in time of need. Hebrews 4:16. How many times do we read a scripture and it means absolutely nothing and then one moment - the right moment - God will take His Word and smack us over the head with it. I read this one simple sentence and broke. I cried. I prayed. It was like a light came on in the room and I suddenly thought - I have as much right as every other person who has ever existed to simply walk up to the throne of God and ask for help. So I did. I told Him how sorry I was for slipping so far away. And I thanked Him for His mercy and grace. And I asked Him to help me. Then I got up and walked away - away from the kitchen, away from depression, away from the lies of the enemy. God usually doesn't take it away - at least with me He doesn't. He gives us the tools, but we have to use them. God is faithful. He didn't let Joseph die in the pit, He didn't let me die there, and He won't let you wither. He'll send a way out - but it is up to us to actually take what is given us and run with it. The throne has always been there - waiting and open for us to come boldly - to receive grace and mercy - help and forgiveness - but we have to come. Every day I have to make the choice to take that grace that God has given. Every day I have to choose to walk away from the kitchen, to set goals, to fight depression. His grace is there to help us, if we are willing to use it.
So I'm back on track. I've learned so much more, but that is another blog. I've lost 10 pounds. I'm confronting some things that are long over due. But He is faithful to complete the good work He started. Maybe I needed to come here - to go through what I've gone through - to reach another place. I'm ready.
Monday, January 10, 2011
Who Am I?
I have a hero. Yes, of course, Jesus, but I mean besides Jesus. Someone I admire and am inspired by. His name is Apolo Anton Ohno. He is an Olympic speed skater. He is the most decorated American in winter games history. I know there are many other stroies out there that are full of inspiration; tons of people who push themselves and achieve what most of us can't even dream about, but for some reason Apolo is one that I really seem to connect with. I admire his determination to work hard and push himself harder; to refuse to be anything but the best he can be. I've quoted something I heard him say before; something like "Everyday I ask myself, have I done my absolute best at being the best I can be?" That inspires me. It makes me think. And dream. And he is the reason for today's blog - or at least the begining of it.
Apolo Ohno recently published a book called "Zero Regrets." I started reading it yesterday. I am on page 6 now. I know, that isn't much, but sometimes it doesn't take much for God to speak to me! He mentioned having to know who you want to be - not WHAT you want to be - WHO. And then go after it with everything you've got. So for 2 days I've been asking God, Who am I? Who was I created to be? Because that is who I want to be - the person God designed for me to be. What's the difference between who I am and what I am? Still not real sure on that one. I'm 42 years old and I'm still not sure that I even know who I am. Hmmmmm. I went to sleep last night asking God "Who am I?" And I woke up thinking about it still. So in thmy prayer time this morning I wrote down what I did know. Then I worte what God revealed. Time for more total honesty.
I do have regrets. I admit it. I regret that I haven't done more with my life. I regret getting this out of shape and not caring about myself more. I regret that I never did anything incredible with the brain God gave me. I was ranked in the top 9% of my high school class, I tested at borderline genius, I graduated valedictorian of Bible College - yet I sit here as day after day passes by and I've not accomplished anymore than the average person - maybe even less. This may be my biggest regret. I completely believe that if God gave me a highly intelligent brain there was a reason; which means I have also disapointed Him and failed in my giftings. (Not walking in condemnation - just total honesty - sometimes needed to get to the other side.) Bear with me here. I regret how mean and judgemental I am to the people around me. And I truly regret that I can honestly say that there are times in my past where I was much more intimate with God than I am right now.
So there I am. Confronted with my regrets. I do have some. But what I realized in writing this stuff down is this - I have the power to change every single one. No one else can change it - but I CAN. Acknowledging the regrets gives me a starting point. I know where to focus. I would encourage everyone to do this. Take some time to write down the regrets you have and then look over it. If there are some you can't change - things that have happened to you - make a decision now to release them - let them go. I don't regret the things in my past - they brought me to where I am; they developed character and strength in my life. Then take the rest of your list and decide today to do soemthing different. Do you regret getting married? Then choose to be the best spouse you can possibly be! Whatever it is that you regret - make the decision to move past that by doing something to change it.
Now for the next part - Who Am I? Who do I want to be? What I am is easy - pastor, teacher, mother, wife, personal trainer. What I want to be is easy - speaker, author, motivator. But WHO AM I? This has stumped me. What is the difference? God took me to His word. Who Am I according to his word? More than a conqueror. Overcomer. A Christian. Christian is not what I am - it's who I am; because I'm a Christian I can overcome the regrets in my life. I can run and not grow weary. So I have determined to take Who I am and my list of regrets, and come up with a few basic goals in which to live my life.
I commit to be the best wife/mother I can be.
I commit to be the best Christian I can be.
I commit to be the best trainer I can be.
I commit to be the best author I can be.
I commit to be the best speaker I can be.
I commit to be the best life I can be. If today is the last day I have, if today is the day I will be remembered for, I want it to count.
By the end of prayer, I had my answer.
WHO do I want to be?
Someone who loves life
Who lives
Who enjoys God and His creation
Who tries to be the best I can be.
That's Who I am - and I will go after that with everything I have.
Apolo Ohno recently published a book called "Zero Regrets." I started reading it yesterday. I am on page 6 now. I know, that isn't much, but sometimes it doesn't take much for God to speak to me! He mentioned having to know who you want to be - not WHAT you want to be - WHO. And then go after it with everything you've got. So for 2 days I've been asking God, Who am I? Who was I created to be? Because that is who I want to be - the person God designed for me to be. What's the difference between who I am and what I am? Still not real sure on that one. I'm 42 years old and I'm still not sure that I even know who I am. Hmmmmm. I went to sleep last night asking God "Who am I?" And I woke up thinking about it still. So in thmy prayer time this morning I wrote down what I did know. Then I worte what God revealed. Time for more total honesty.
I do have regrets. I admit it. I regret that I haven't done more with my life. I regret getting this out of shape and not caring about myself more. I regret that I never did anything incredible with the brain God gave me. I was ranked in the top 9% of my high school class, I tested at borderline genius, I graduated valedictorian of Bible College - yet I sit here as day after day passes by and I've not accomplished anymore than the average person - maybe even less. This may be my biggest regret. I completely believe that if God gave me a highly intelligent brain there was a reason; which means I have also disapointed Him and failed in my giftings. (Not walking in condemnation - just total honesty - sometimes needed to get to the other side.) Bear with me here. I regret how mean and judgemental I am to the people around me. And I truly regret that I can honestly say that there are times in my past where I was much more intimate with God than I am right now.
So there I am. Confronted with my regrets. I do have some. But what I realized in writing this stuff down is this - I have the power to change every single one. No one else can change it - but I CAN. Acknowledging the regrets gives me a starting point. I know where to focus. I would encourage everyone to do this. Take some time to write down the regrets you have and then look over it. If there are some you can't change - things that have happened to you - make a decision now to release them - let them go. I don't regret the things in my past - they brought me to where I am; they developed character and strength in my life. Then take the rest of your list and decide today to do soemthing different. Do you regret getting married? Then choose to be the best spouse you can possibly be! Whatever it is that you regret - make the decision to move past that by doing something to change it.
Now for the next part - Who Am I? Who do I want to be? What I am is easy - pastor, teacher, mother, wife, personal trainer. What I want to be is easy - speaker, author, motivator. But WHO AM I? This has stumped me. What is the difference? God took me to His word. Who Am I according to his word? More than a conqueror. Overcomer. A Christian. Christian is not what I am - it's who I am; because I'm a Christian I can overcome the regrets in my life. I can run and not grow weary. So I have determined to take Who I am and my list of regrets, and come up with a few basic goals in which to live my life.
I commit to be the best wife/mother I can be.
I commit to be the best Christian I can be.
I commit to be the best trainer I can be.
I commit to be the best author I can be.
I commit to be the best speaker I can be.
I commit to be the best life I can be. If today is the last day I have, if today is the day I will be remembered for, I want it to count.
By the end of prayer, I had my answer.
WHO do I want to be?
Someone who loves life
Who lives
Who enjoys God and His creation
Who tries to be the best I can be.
That's Who I am - and I will go after that with everything I have.
Tuesday, January 4, 2011
God's Power is Great
I woke up hungry today. I thought about all the people in the world who wake up hungry every day and wish they weren't. I rejoice that I am. For too long I have used excuses to give in to the desires of flesh instead of resisting temptation. I gained 35 pounds in the last 6 months. That is not how I want to live my life. Yesterday I determined to get back on track. It was nice to actually wake up hungry and know that it was a good thing. After a bowl of cereal to stop the pains, and a 25 calorie cup of cocoa (with 25 calories of whip cream) to warm my insides, here we are. I have noticed how much my eating habits effect every area of my life. I have felt lately like I was far away from God; that I couldn't hear Him anymore. I was struggling to keep any kind of prayer life and had no desire to go to church. Actually, I had no desire to do anything. I was still a Christian; just wasn't pursuing much of a relationship with my Creator.
It wasn't only my walk with Christ that was different. I noticed how easily I was snapping at people. I had become judgemental and distant. I didn't want to go to the center, exercise, teach, or anything else. I blamed it on depression. I blamed it on how busy I was studying for my exam. I blamed it on the clients and how cruel some of them have been (Women in recovery can be deadly!) I never blamed my eating habits. I didn't consider how much my choices would effect other areas of my life.
As the end of the year came, I began thinking about New Years resolution and how I really didn't want to have any because most people never actually follow through with them. Then I began to think about all the New Years that we have jumped into with excitement and expectations - plans on how everything would be so different this year - just to end the year and start another with basically no change. Pastor Glenn at Solid Rock used to say the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results. I feel like I've had a lifetime of insanity. I'm ready to break that cycle. It really doesn't matter how many New Years are spent making resolutions and determinations; if the method doesn't change the results will stay the same.
So my resolution, if I have one, is to simple do something different. Change the method so to speak. Instead of planning all these things I'm going to change, I'm simply committing to live differently. Sometimes we have to do things before we feel like doing them. So I started yesterday with prayer. I prayed even though I didn't feel like it - and I wrote in my Hungry for God blog about what happened.
I am committed to change. I am committed to prayer. And it's making all the difference. I feel better about myself. I have the strength to resist food. I'm nicer to my family. And I'm getting "downloads" again. For years, I've focused on a rigid Bible reading - 2 chapters in Old T, 2 chapters in New T, 1 psalm, 1 proverb. I would ask God to help me understand what I was reading, but often had read so much I ended up getting very little out. This year I'm committed to taking my time. I might not read much, but I get so much out of it. One verse can feed me all day. Ephesians 1:19 was the devotional verse for today. "You will know that God's power is very great for us who believe." Wow.
I am committed to walk in God's power. I am committed to letting Him change me. I am committed to becoming the person He desires me to be. I am committed to doing it His way - no big plans or schemes - just focusing on Him and letting Him do the rest. God's power is very great - that is enough for me.
It wasn't only my walk with Christ that was different. I noticed how easily I was snapping at people. I had become judgemental and distant. I didn't want to go to the center, exercise, teach, or anything else. I blamed it on depression. I blamed it on how busy I was studying for my exam. I blamed it on the clients and how cruel some of them have been (Women in recovery can be deadly!) I never blamed my eating habits. I didn't consider how much my choices would effect other areas of my life.
As the end of the year came, I began thinking about New Years resolution and how I really didn't want to have any because most people never actually follow through with them. Then I began to think about all the New Years that we have jumped into with excitement and expectations - plans on how everything would be so different this year - just to end the year and start another with basically no change. Pastor Glenn at Solid Rock used to say the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results. I feel like I've had a lifetime of insanity. I'm ready to break that cycle. It really doesn't matter how many New Years are spent making resolutions and determinations; if the method doesn't change the results will stay the same.
So my resolution, if I have one, is to simple do something different. Change the method so to speak. Instead of planning all these things I'm going to change, I'm simply committing to live differently. Sometimes we have to do things before we feel like doing them. So I started yesterday with prayer. I prayed even though I didn't feel like it - and I wrote in my Hungry for God blog about what happened.
I am committed to change. I am committed to prayer. And it's making all the difference. I feel better about myself. I have the strength to resist food. I'm nicer to my family. And I'm getting "downloads" again. For years, I've focused on a rigid Bible reading - 2 chapters in Old T, 2 chapters in New T, 1 psalm, 1 proverb. I would ask God to help me understand what I was reading, but often had read so much I ended up getting very little out. This year I'm committed to taking my time. I might not read much, but I get so much out of it. One verse can feed me all day. Ephesians 1:19 was the devotional verse for today. "You will know that God's power is very great for us who believe." Wow.
I am committed to walk in God's power. I am committed to letting Him change me. I am committed to becoming the person He desires me to be. I am committed to doing it His way - no big plans or schemes - just focusing on Him and letting Him do the rest. God's power is very great - that is enough for me.
Sunday, December 12, 2010
He knew about today
I have a migraine. Woke up with it and it's continued to get worse. I've taken 2 naps and am wearing sun glasses indoors to dull the pain. I haven't had a headache like this in about 10 years. And I can't stop thanking God for His goodness. Sounds strange doesn't it? I just keep thinking that He knew this was going to happen. See, 2 months ago I took on a huge project. One of the most difficult things I've ever done. Completing this tasks includes learning a 500 page manual, completing 2 workbooks, and passing a 150 question test that only 67% of people pass. And as I said, I took this on with only 8 weeks to complete it all. So I have been cramming for weeks and I have come to the place where I have one week left. I have felt the stress of taking on a huge project that even I don't think I can complete. I have felt the frustration of wanting to enjoy holiday time but instead having to study. I have felt the discipline of fasting TV and giving up family time to accomplish this. Today was the deadline I gave myself to have everything done, because next week I have to study and practice. I did not want any reading left to do because I'm leaving myself only one week to actually learn what I've read. Yesterday I finished. Yesterday I finished the reading and filled out every page in 2 workbooks. One day early. And today I woke up with a migraine. I can't help but think how stressed I would be if I had not finished a day early. I keep thinking how behind I would be if I started tomorrow with more work. God knew I would be incapacitated today. And He made sure I had the push to do double work yesterday. Some of you may think, "Why didn't He just heal the migraine?" I don't know. Maybe it was because I needed a day of rest. Maybe I needed to stop everything and just rest; can't remember the last time I've done that. I don't know. I don't think like God. All I know is that He knew this day was coming and He brought me through. I have been behind every week, but suddenly I am caught up the day before I needed to be. He cares about every part of our lives. I havent asked Him to heal me today. I've just thanked Him over and over for being in control of my life. For meeting my needs. For working ALL things out for my good. We are instructed to "rejoice in the Lord ALWAYS."
Who rejoices during a migraine? I DO!
Who rejoices during a migraine? I DO!
Saturday, November 27, 2010
How bad do I want it?
I really need to write more often. No idea why this seems to be the thing I always put off, maybe I've been in a place where I would really rather not look inward at the moment. Blogging for me means getting real, addressing my struggles, and moving forward. Quite frankly, I've been stuck for awhile. We have been in Arizona for almost 4 months now. I have never felt like I belonged anywhere like I do here, yet it has been such a struggle. I have battled what I guess would be depression for a few months now; fighting and fighting to overcome and keep functioning while feeling like I wanted to just give up. I reached the point where I didn't even have any desire to pray anymore. It's hard to explain - asking God to please help me desire Him like I use to and at the same time having no desire to even talk to Him at all. Not exactly a good place for a Pastor to be!!
It's hard to admit that I don't want to talk to God. After all, I should have it so together. I need to be an example. Yet, God knows how I'm feeling and perhaps sharing this publicly will help someone else. The one thing I have is my ability to be honest with my Creator. He can handle it when I admit I'm not feeling it. I feel like I'm sinking; I have so many things I think I should be doing that I can't figure out what to do. I feel like I've lost myself somewhere in the move. Suddenly everything I knew is gone and now we run a recovery program and my husband needs me to assist him, run financials, teach the women, keep our schedules, and figure out how to walk in my calling at the same time. I don't know how to do that. But I'm still trying. I've had to back off from some of the work. I married a wonderful man who believes in me and supports me and I am so blessed.
So, during this struggle in my life, I feel like I've pushed myself to the back - letting everything go that was important to me so I could try and accomplish all that was needed of me. Until I reached a breaking point. Everyday I asked God to please help me, please give me back the discipline and ambition that I had before. A couple weeks ago, I stayed home alone while my family went out. I put on some worship music and was cleaning. At some point the music caught me and I began to really listen to what I was singing. And I began to break. I heard the Lord telling me, "Everything you need I've already given you." I was reminded of the verse that says there is always a way out of temptation. I was reminded tha tI can do all things through Christ who strengthens me. That His strength is made perfect in my weakness. It's OK to be weak. But we have to rely on Him to bring us through. It's ok to be weak, it's not ok to use that weakness as an excuse to curl up and give up. We have been given the tools to overcome. The question is, am I going to use those tools to overcome, or continue begging Him to do it for me?
I am definitely in a new place in my life. I don't have any close friends here, I don't have the powerful teachings I had back home. Now it's our turn to lead. I learned a long time ago that my relationship with God couldn't come from a man. It's time to put all the teachings I had into practice. It's time to build my relationship with Him. It's time to grow up. Maybe I should have been there a long time ago. Or maybe this is just another step on the way. This time I won't have anyone encouraging me or telling me what to do. This time I have to want it myself. I will have to make the decision to pursue this relationship and take it further than we've ever gone. This time my relationship won't be built in a group. Or in a church. This time, it's gonna be me and God - on my living room carpet.
How about you?
It's hard to admit that I don't want to talk to God. After all, I should have it so together. I need to be an example. Yet, God knows how I'm feeling and perhaps sharing this publicly will help someone else. The one thing I have is my ability to be honest with my Creator. He can handle it when I admit I'm not feeling it. I feel like I'm sinking; I have so many things I think I should be doing that I can't figure out what to do. I feel like I've lost myself somewhere in the move. Suddenly everything I knew is gone and now we run a recovery program and my husband needs me to assist him, run financials, teach the women, keep our schedules, and figure out how to walk in my calling at the same time. I don't know how to do that. But I'm still trying. I've had to back off from some of the work. I married a wonderful man who believes in me and supports me and I am so blessed.
So, during this struggle in my life, I feel like I've pushed myself to the back - letting everything go that was important to me so I could try and accomplish all that was needed of me. Until I reached a breaking point. Everyday I asked God to please help me, please give me back the discipline and ambition that I had before. A couple weeks ago, I stayed home alone while my family went out. I put on some worship music and was cleaning. At some point the music caught me and I began to really listen to what I was singing. And I began to break. I heard the Lord telling me, "Everything you need I've already given you." I was reminded of the verse that says there is always a way out of temptation. I was reminded tha tI can do all things through Christ who strengthens me. That His strength is made perfect in my weakness. It's OK to be weak. But we have to rely on Him to bring us through. It's ok to be weak, it's not ok to use that weakness as an excuse to curl up and give up. We have been given the tools to overcome. The question is, am I going to use those tools to overcome, or continue begging Him to do it for me?
I am definitely in a new place in my life. I don't have any close friends here, I don't have the powerful teachings I had back home. Now it's our turn to lead. I learned a long time ago that my relationship with God couldn't come from a man. It's time to put all the teachings I had into practice. It's time to build my relationship with Him. It's time to grow up. Maybe I should have been there a long time ago. Or maybe this is just another step on the way. This time I won't have anyone encouraging me or telling me what to do. This time I have to want it myself. I will have to make the decision to pursue this relationship and take it further than we've ever gone. This time my relationship won't be built in a group. Or in a church. This time, it's gonna be me and God - on my living room carpet.
How about you?
Tuesday, September 7, 2010
Why I Worship . . .
The other day I was in my worship time with God and I began to reflect on His love for us. The Bible says we love Him because He first loved us. It's easy to love someone when they love you first. It's easy to love someone who's always there; someone who's patient, strong, and always has you on their mind. But so many times I talk to people that struggle with loving God. There are so many reasons: I can't hear God, He doesn't talk to me, why did He let this or that happen, I don't feel God near me, I've done too many bad things, and on and on and on. . . .
We struggle to love God because we DOUBT His love for us. We struggle to overcome the things that have happened in our lives that would APPEAR to say God does not care. We doubt His love when we struggle to hear His voice, when we walk through dark times, when we FEEL alone. If we would only step back and truly look at our situation, truth begins to enlighten us. Doubt, appearances, and feelings are all based on our own opinions; not necessarily reality.
What is reality? Reality is that God loves us. No matter how we feel or what we think or what it looks like; God LOVES us. So much so He gave His son to die for us. And the Son? Jesus loves us so much that He saw us when there was NOTHING good in us and CHOSE to die for us anyway. He looked at us in our sin, in our darkness, in our hopelessness and climbed on a cross to die for us. I worship a God who loved me when I hated Him, when I blamed Him, when I despised Him. I worship a God who loved me when I could not love myself; a God that offered me hope and life when I deserved death and condemnation. How can I not worship a God that loves like that? How could I offer anything less than my absolute praise? When I think about that kind of love, I have to worship. Regardless of situations or circumstances, that love does not waiver or change. I can rely on His love, lean on His love, depend on His love.
His love can overcome any obstacle and I refuse to look at the obstacle before me when I can gaze at the one who deserves my attention. No matter how dark things have been, how hopeless they have seemed, when I keep my focus on Him, I come out. I can look back and see where He used different situations to grow me, develop me, teach me, increase me. Whether I heard Him or not, felt Him or not; I can see now that He was always there. And He always will be, not only for me but for anyone willing to trust Him.
I love God because He first loved me. And His love will carry me. And as I reflect on that love, I just have to worship . . .
We struggle to love God because we DOUBT His love for us. We struggle to overcome the things that have happened in our lives that would APPEAR to say God does not care. We doubt His love when we struggle to hear His voice, when we walk through dark times, when we FEEL alone. If we would only step back and truly look at our situation, truth begins to enlighten us. Doubt, appearances, and feelings are all based on our own opinions; not necessarily reality.
What is reality? Reality is that God loves us. No matter how we feel or what we think or what it looks like; God LOVES us. So much so He gave His son to die for us. And the Son? Jesus loves us so much that He saw us when there was NOTHING good in us and CHOSE to die for us anyway. He looked at us in our sin, in our darkness, in our hopelessness and climbed on a cross to die for us. I worship a God who loved me when I hated Him, when I blamed Him, when I despised Him. I worship a God who loved me when I could not love myself; a God that offered me hope and life when I deserved death and condemnation. How can I not worship a God that loves like that? How could I offer anything less than my absolute praise? When I think about that kind of love, I have to worship. Regardless of situations or circumstances, that love does not waiver or change. I can rely on His love, lean on His love, depend on His love.
His love can overcome any obstacle and I refuse to look at the obstacle before me when I can gaze at the one who deserves my attention. No matter how dark things have been, how hopeless they have seemed, when I keep my focus on Him, I come out. I can look back and see where He used different situations to grow me, develop me, teach me, increase me. Whether I heard Him or not, felt Him or not; I can see now that He was always there. And He always will be, not only for me but for anyone willing to trust Him.
I love God because He first loved me. And His love will carry me. And as I reflect on that love, I just have to worship . . .
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