He knew about today

I have a migraine. Woke up with it and it's continued to get worse. I've taken 2 naps and am wearing sun glasses indoors to dull the pain. I haven't had a headache like this in about 10 years. And I can't stop thanking God for His goodness. Sounds strange doesn't it? I just keep thinking that He knew this was going to happen. See, 2 months ago I took on a huge project. One of the most difficult things I've ever done. Completing this tasks includes learning a 500 page manual, completing 2 workbooks, and passing a 150 question test that only 67% of people pass. And as I said, I took this on with only 8 weeks to complete it all. So I have been cramming for weeks and I have come to the place where I have one week left. I have felt the stress of taking on a huge project that even I don't think I can complete. I have felt the frustration of wanting to enjoy holiday time but instead having to study. I have felt the discipline of fasting TV and giving up family time to accomplish this. Today was the deadline I gave myself to have everything done, because next week I have to study and practice. I did not want any reading left to do because I'm leaving myself only one week to actually learn what I've read. Yesterday I finished. Yesterday I finished the reading and filled out every page in 2 workbooks. One day early. And today I woke up with a migraine. I can't help but think how stressed I would be if I had not finished a day early. I keep thinking how behind I would be if I started tomorrow with more work. God knew I would be incapacitated today. And He made sure I had the push to do double work yesterday. Some of you may think, "Why didn't He just heal the migraine?" I don't know. Maybe it was because I needed a day of rest. Maybe I needed to stop everything and just rest; can't remember the last time I've done that. I don't know. I don't think like God. All I know is that He knew this day was coming and He brought me through. I have been behind every week, but suddenly I am caught up the day before I needed to be. He cares about every part of our lives. I havent asked Him to heal me today. I've just thanked Him over and over for being in control of my life. For meeting my needs. For working ALL things out for my good. We are instructed to "rejoice in the Lord ALWAYS."
Who rejoices during a migraine? I DO!

It's Probably Gonna Hurt

I jogged today. I've gotten to where I only get to jog/walk on Mondays because it's the only day I can't make it to the gym. So of course I'm not progressing like I was. I figured if I'm still working out I would still get better, but maybe jogging is something you just have to do if you want to be able to do it. Does that even make sense? Last week it was pouring down rain and cold so I didn't go. It's been 2 weeks since I've run anywhere. I forced myself this morning to jog as far as I reached 2 weeks ago. It was hard. Really hard. I thought I was gonna puke hard. But I made it. My breath was back by the time I reached the next place that I run, but my throat was sore from breathing so hard. Anyway, I told myself I could make it to the middle of the road. That's how far I went 2 weeks ago. But in my mind I knew I was trying for the end of the road. I kept going, kept pushing, and I made it to the end. I lifted my arms up and pointed to the sky, "All for You."  When I run, I pray. I ask God to strengthen my heart and increase my lung capacity, to strengthen my legs, and to give me the wisdom to push hard enough for growth but not so hard that I injure myself. I ask Him to help me become as healthy as I was created to be so I can honor Him with my body. By the time my walk had ended, I felt amazing - tired, alive, tone, tight, taller, straighter - I knew it was worth pushing through.

Wow. That'll preach. Push hard enough to have growth, but not so hard that we injure ourself. Hmmmmm. If we don't push through, we are not going to notice any real growth. Not physical, not spiritual. I've read that muscles have to be worked to the point of exhaustion before they will rebuild stronger. Is it the same for faith? Do we need to stretch our faith to the limit if we want increased, stronger, more stable faith? Will our walk with God grow if we never push through a little bit of discomfort to grow our spiritual legs? Why do we tend to quit/stop/slow down when things get a little bit irritating? Why do we sit down when we get the least bit out of breath? Sometimes we have to get up early when we're tired, confront a problem directly, study the Bible when we don't feel like it, follow a diet when we don't want to, and push forward when we'd rather quit. Pain isn't always bad. Sometimes it's a sign of growth.

I love working out because God teaches me so much about Himself in all of this. Bottom line, if you want to see change in your health or physical appearance; it's probably gonna hurt. If you want to see real change in your faith or your walk with God, it's probably gonna hurt.

Perfect Strength

My trainer cancelled today; said he wasn't feeling well.  It was strange having Saturday off.  This was the first Saturday we haven't met since I started working out.  I've not been motivated this week at all so I was really needing this workout.  Of course I didn't take the motivation to work out on my own.  My husband came through today.  He walked over a mile with me.  We jogged one street of our walk.  That was cool.  I need to remember how thrilling it feels when I jog farther than I have ever before.  That's what gets me back out there.  I've been so off track this week.  I walked 2 miles Thursday and worked out super hard with my trainer Tuesday night.  That was about it for the entire week!  Getting refocused.  I wish I had accountability to get me to the YMCA.  I have a membership, just haven't been able to push past the self conscious fear to try something new.  I really should.  It's just hard to do new things by yourself sometimes.  Plus I'm not sure if I'm ready for group stuff - what if I can't keep up with anyone else yet?  But it's not about them, it's about me.  I need to keep going for myself.  Easier said than done.

Spent some time praying last night and today.  I've realized lately that I haven't been relying on God as much as I was before.  That's a dangerous place to be - old thought patterns quickly try to sneak back in.  "Don't count calories today, just eat what you want, finish your meal even though your not hungry, don't throw that away, yada yada yada.  It can be very easy to slip back into those patterns.  The ONLY way I have found to maintain my freedom is to run to God.  To hide behind Him, to rely on His perfect strength.  Already I feel stronger.  It works.  Tonight I wanted to eat extra.  I've been praying, "God, be my perfect strength." It's working.  Here I am - not at the fridge.  His strength is made perfect in my weakness." Thank you Jesus!

Rambling Thoughts

How do 2 weeks go by without me writing?!  I feel like it's  only been a few days!!  I will def try to get better about this.  I'm always thinking of things I would like to share, and then don't seem to get them here.  It's like I write them in my head but not down on the comp.  Anyways, I'm still plugging along.  I have made it 90 days now and I've lost over 40 pounds.  I know that is a lot, and I'm incredibly grateful, but it is starting to come off slower and I'm getting frustrated.  I don't want to give up - I don't want to ever go back to what I was, but I almost want people to stop making a big deal about it.  Don't get me wrong, part of me loves attention. (Total honesty, right?) Knowing people are watching helps me keep working.  But another part of me wants to stop working so hard and just settle for how far I've gotten - just keep my eating plan and let go of all the hard workout stuff.  Like, maybe I'm just not cut out to be a "fit" person, and I should just accept being smaller, but give up trying to be toned. 

This post is just going to be my ramblings because right now so many different things run through my brain.  I think the reality is that my brain is having a hard time waiting for my body to catch up.  See, I feel amazing.  I feel younger, taller, thinner, stronger - beautiful.  Then I look in the mirror.  And the old mindset comes flying back in.  Instead of seeing the improvement and all I've accomplished I see all that's left to do.  I see how much fat is still there.  I see what my trainer sees and I think I should do him a favor and quit.  Why would anyone want to work with a person my size?  What a joke I must be.

I am posting this hoping that someoen out there who deals with this stuff will realize they are not alone.  Hopefully I can help someone somewhere to refuse to give up - atleast for today.  See, this is where we must fight the battle in our mind.  This is where we have to be open with someone (especially God) and let another person know our fears.  I wrote above what I think my trainer sees when I work with him, but what he has actually told some is that seeing how hard I work makes him want to work harder in his own life.  I motivate him!  We must realize that the junk in our head is simply that - junk.  I must keep working - some days I'll do better than others, but everyday I will strive to honor God with my body.  And I will wait - patient or not - for my body to catch up with my brain. (Explanation of this later!)