I went for a walk this morning. I had to tell myself that I was only going to walk, no running and that I wouldn't even have to go the usual 2 miles if I didn't feel like it. It took an hour of arguing with myself to get out the door, but at least I finally got outside. My favorite part of walking is the communication and revelation from God. I got some clarity this morning.
I began to think about Lot's wife. Genesis 19 tells the story; Lot and his family were told to leave Sodom and not look back. However, Lot's wife at some point just had to turn around. And she became a pillar of salt. Kind of a strange thing to think about at 7:00 a.m. But this is what I got from it:
Looking back can stop you from moving forward. It can paralyze and immobilize you. The New Living Translation says "run for your lives." (yes, I noticed the version I looked up when I got home said RUN!) it would be very difficult to run if your not looking in front of you. And probably dangerous as well. This is where I have been for the past 8 months. A frozen pillar of salt; full of purpose and meant for Gods kingdom, but stuck looking behind me. When I would go out and run my thoughts were things like: "when I left Florida I had worked up to running half a mile, now I can barely run 60 seconds." "I lost 80 pounds in 6 months, now I've gained half of it back." "I can't get back to where I was." I focused on all the things I had in the past: a personal trainer, a gym membership, friends that noticed all the work I was doing, a church I could walk (or run) to. I had no motivation to work because I felt like I was starting from behind. I couldn't see progress because I had already accomplished these things and should have been farther than I was. Looking backwards had me stuck.
I realized this morning that I can't do that. I can't think about what I weighed 8 months ago or how far I could run or how much I've lost while being stuck in the past. It's time to look forward. What i did last year is not that important. What I do now is what matters. Looking forward, moving forward, focusing on now; that's what will bring accomplishments. So right now, where I'm at, regardless of the past, I noticed that yes I get tired after a 1 minute jog but my heart rate also goes back to normal piercer quick. Right now, I can do week 2 of "Run Your Butt Off" (a great book for new runners!) I can see progress today. And if I move forward, I will see progress tomorrow.
Take a moment and examine where your at. Are you stuck looking at the past? Wishing you were back at a certain point in life? Stop. Your life isn't over yet. Turn around. Move forward. Do something today to make a change.
Today, I did the whole 2 miles that I usually do. And I ran 5 one minute sections during my walk. I accomplished more than I expected when I walked out my door this morning. That's what matters. That's what I'll hold on to. No more looking back.
Thursday, April 21, 2011
Monday, March 28, 2011
Come boldly before the throne
Wow. I had no idea it has been 2 months since I wrote. I think that's what I say every time. No wonder very few people read my ramblings. That's ok, I'm heading back to where I belong. It's really hard to write when you don't have positive things to say. I guess that's why it's been so long. That and time flying by while I work to get myself correct. Warning - this is long - it's time to let everything out.
SO - here I am. It's been a hard 6 months. I won't lie. I honestly have gone to places I never thought I would go to ever again. I've revisited places of darkness that I thought were long past me. I hear the lying judgmental voices even as I write this. The voices that say I should not be so open, that people will never see me as a minister if I write these things, even the voices that say I have no right to be in ministry because I'm such a mess. But I write this anyway. And I thank God that I've come to a place where I really don't care anymore. I don't care what other "minister's" think of me. I don't care if I'm judged. I don't care if I'm never asked to preach anywhere again. (ok, I do care - my heart is to preach and I would miss that terribly - but it won't shut me up!) The enemy is a liar and there is no truth in him. If you read this and would think similar things, then reread the previous sentence. I am in ministry because God has called me to be - not because my life is right or because I'm who I should be - but because He chose me. I don't think my occupation defines what I should or should not go through. I didn't ask for this or expect it and I certainly didn't do anything to deserve it. But I'm glad God allowed this in my life. Here's my story.
For those who know me, my life hasn't gotten continuously better for several years now. The one thing I've battled throughout is my weight and a compulsive eating disorder. On October 3, 2009 I was set free of that and in 6 months time I lost 80 pounds. I started working with a personal trainer who became like a little brother to me, started jogging and working out. Things were great. I loved my job as a youth pastor and recovery center minister, my new life, and who I was becoming. Then in May 2010 we visited Phoenix Arizona and fell in love with the state. My hubby and I knew that God was calling us there and within 2 months He had provided everything we needed to move. I didn't cost us one penny. We arrived in Phoenix July 31, 2010. And everything changed.
Within a week of being here, the ministry we came to work for was turned over to us - literally signed into our names and suddenly we were running a recovery program. A program that had no curriculum, no structure, and no money. My husband became very busy. The ministry couldn't pay us and he didn't have time for an outside job, so finances were a major issue. On top of that, I had left every friend, my church, my trainer, my job - everything I had know for the last 12 years was gone. I started struggling with depression. I recognized it because I'd battled it as a teen and young adult. I lost all motivation to exercise. I didn't seem to connect with the people in this program like I had back home. After a couple of verbal attacks from people, I quit having any role and left the whole thing to my husband. I knew being the lead ministers meant dealing with difficult people, but I never knew the depth. (For example, one client had a fit that I wore new shoes one day - how was it right for me to have new shoes if she didn't have money for new shoes. True story!) I sunk so deep that I didn't even want to go out of my house. The only comfort I had was food and I quickly gained 30 pounds back in 6 months time. I didn't want to go to church, I felt totally alone. My husband couldn't understand and I couldn't explain it. I became so depressed that it scared me. I hadn't felt such hopelessness since my teen years. My food was out of control and I became severely bulimic again for the first time in 16 years. I felt like God wasn't answering me. I wanted to die. Yes, I really wanted to die. I thought it a few times. How badly I wanted to drive my car into a concrete wall and just have everything be over. I'm not saying it was right. I'm saying it was true.
God never gives us more than we can handle. right? He intervened a few times. I can see that now. A couple times while I was going through motions - pray write, worship right, talk right - He would get a message to me that would shake me up a bit. But sometimes you just have to be ready to. I said I didn't know how to get out of the pit, but honestly I don't think I wanted out of the pit. It was easier to hide in the dark than actually take responsibility for making new friends, eating write, stepping out in ministry, etc. That old scary darkness was at least vaguely familiar and therefore better than the unknown. Better than being judged by others. I knew I had been happier back home but I couldn't figure out why those things weren't working for me know. I happened to pick up a book one day browsing through a closing Borders called "Regaining Your Self". And God began to answer my cries for help. As I read it made perfect sense. I think I will save that for another day because this will be long enough already. And I finished the book "No Regrets" by my favorite speed track skater - Apolo Ohno. The break truly came one day when everything in me wanted to eat. I had decided once again to through my day away - eat til I was full and hang out on the couch, but first I needed to read the devotion for the day (I think it was March 8).
Let us therefore come boldly to the throne of grace, that we may obtain mercy and find grace to help in time of need. Hebrews 4:16. How many times do we read a scripture and it means absolutely nothing and then one moment - the right moment - God will take His Word and smack us over the head with it. I read this one simple sentence and broke. I cried. I prayed. It was like a light came on in the room and I suddenly thought - I have as much right as every other person who has ever existed to simply walk up to the throne of God and ask for help. So I did. I told Him how sorry I was for slipping so far away. And I thanked Him for His mercy and grace. And I asked Him to help me. Then I got up and walked away - away from the kitchen, away from depression, away from the lies of the enemy. God usually doesn't take it away - at least with me He doesn't. He gives us the tools, but we have to use them. God is faithful. He didn't let Joseph die in the pit, He didn't let me die there, and He won't let you wither. He'll send a way out - but it is up to us to actually take what is given us and run with it. The throne has always been there - waiting and open for us to come boldly - to receive grace and mercy - help and forgiveness - but we have to come. Every day I have to make the choice to take that grace that God has given. Every day I have to choose to walk away from the kitchen, to set goals, to fight depression. His grace is there to help us, if we are willing to use it.
So I'm back on track. I've learned so much more, but that is another blog. I've lost 10 pounds. I'm confronting some things that are long over due. But He is faithful to complete the good work He started. Maybe I needed to come here - to go through what I've gone through - to reach another place. I'm ready.
SO - here I am. It's been a hard 6 months. I won't lie. I honestly have gone to places I never thought I would go to ever again. I've revisited places of darkness that I thought were long past me. I hear the lying judgmental voices even as I write this. The voices that say I should not be so open, that people will never see me as a minister if I write these things, even the voices that say I have no right to be in ministry because I'm such a mess. But I write this anyway. And I thank God that I've come to a place where I really don't care anymore. I don't care what other "minister's" think of me. I don't care if I'm judged. I don't care if I'm never asked to preach anywhere again. (ok, I do care - my heart is to preach and I would miss that terribly - but it won't shut me up!) The enemy is a liar and there is no truth in him. If you read this and would think similar things, then reread the previous sentence. I am in ministry because God has called me to be - not because my life is right or because I'm who I should be - but because He chose me. I don't think my occupation defines what I should or should not go through. I didn't ask for this or expect it and I certainly didn't do anything to deserve it. But I'm glad God allowed this in my life. Here's my story.
For those who know me, my life hasn't gotten continuously better for several years now. The one thing I've battled throughout is my weight and a compulsive eating disorder. On October 3, 2009 I was set free of that and in 6 months time I lost 80 pounds. I started working with a personal trainer who became like a little brother to me, started jogging and working out. Things were great. I loved my job as a youth pastor and recovery center minister, my new life, and who I was becoming. Then in May 2010 we visited Phoenix Arizona and fell in love with the state. My hubby and I knew that God was calling us there and within 2 months He had provided everything we needed to move. I didn't cost us one penny. We arrived in Phoenix July 31, 2010. And everything changed.
Within a week of being here, the ministry we came to work for was turned over to us - literally signed into our names and suddenly we were running a recovery program. A program that had no curriculum, no structure, and no money. My husband became very busy. The ministry couldn't pay us and he didn't have time for an outside job, so finances were a major issue. On top of that, I had left every friend, my church, my trainer, my job - everything I had know for the last 12 years was gone. I started struggling with depression. I recognized it because I'd battled it as a teen and young adult. I lost all motivation to exercise. I didn't seem to connect with the people in this program like I had back home. After a couple of verbal attacks from people, I quit having any role and left the whole thing to my husband. I knew being the lead ministers meant dealing with difficult people, but I never knew the depth. (For example, one client had a fit that I wore new shoes one day - how was it right for me to have new shoes if she didn't have money for new shoes. True story!) I sunk so deep that I didn't even want to go out of my house. The only comfort I had was food and I quickly gained 30 pounds back in 6 months time. I didn't want to go to church, I felt totally alone. My husband couldn't understand and I couldn't explain it. I became so depressed that it scared me. I hadn't felt such hopelessness since my teen years. My food was out of control and I became severely bulimic again for the first time in 16 years. I felt like God wasn't answering me. I wanted to die. Yes, I really wanted to die. I thought it a few times. How badly I wanted to drive my car into a concrete wall and just have everything be over. I'm not saying it was right. I'm saying it was true.
God never gives us more than we can handle. right? He intervened a few times. I can see that now. A couple times while I was going through motions - pray write, worship right, talk right - He would get a message to me that would shake me up a bit. But sometimes you just have to be ready to. I said I didn't know how to get out of the pit, but honestly I don't think I wanted out of the pit. It was easier to hide in the dark than actually take responsibility for making new friends, eating write, stepping out in ministry, etc. That old scary darkness was at least vaguely familiar and therefore better than the unknown. Better than being judged by others. I knew I had been happier back home but I couldn't figure out why those things weren't working for me know. I happened to pick up a book one day browsing through a closing Borders called "Regaining Your Self". And God began to answer my cries for help. As I read it made perfect sense. I think I will save that for another day because this will be long enough already. And I finished the book "No Regrets" by my favorite speed track skater - Apolo Ohno. The break truly came one day when everything in me wanted to eat. I had decided once again to through my day away - eat til I was full and hang out on the couch, but first I needed to read the devotion for the day (I think it was March 8).
Let us therefore come boldly to the throne of grace, that we may obtain mercy and find grace to help in time of need. Hebrews 4:16. How many times do we read a scripture and it means absolutely nothing and then one moment - the right moment - God will take His Word and smack us over the head with it. I read this one simple sentence and broke. I cried. I prayed. It was like a light came on in the room and I suddenly thought - I have as much right as every other person who has ever existed to simply walk up to the throne of God and ask for help. So I did. I told Him how sorry I was for slipping so far away. And I thanked Him for His mercy and grace. And I asked Him to help me. Then I got up and walked away - away from the kitchen, away from depression, away from the lies of the enemy. God usually doesn't take it away - at least with me He doesn't. He gives us the tools, but we have to use them. God is faithful. He didn't let Joseph die in the pit, He didn't let me die there, and He won't let you wither. He'll send a way out - but it is up to us to actually take what is given us and run with it. The throne has always been there - waiting and open for us to come boldly - to receive grace and mercy - help and forgiveness - but we have to come. Every day I have to make the choice to take that grace that God has given. Every day I have to choose to walk away from the kitchen, to set goals, to fight depression. His grace is there to help us, if we are willing to use it.
So I'm back on track. I've learned so much more, but that is another blog. I've lost 10 pounds. I'm confronting some things that are long over due. But He is faithful to complete the good work He started. Maybe I needed to come here - to go through what I've gone through - to reach another place. I'm ready.
Monday, January 10, 2011
Who Am I?
I have a hero. Yes, of course, Jesus, but I mean besides Jesus. Someone I admire and am inspired by. His name is Apolo Anton Ohno. He is an Olympic speed skater. He is the most decorated American in winter games history. I know there are many other stroies out there that are full of inspiration; tons of people who push themselves and achieve what most of us can't even dream about, but for some reason Apolo is one that I really seem to connect with. I admire his determination to work hard and push himself harder; to refuse to be anything but the best he can be. I've quoted something I heard him say before; something like "Everyday I ask myself, have I done my absolute best at being the best I can be?" That inspires me. It makes me think. And dream. And he is the reason for today's blog - or at least the begining of it.
Apolo Ohno recently published a book called "Zero Regrets." I started reading it yesterday. I am on page 6 now. I know, that isn't much, but sometimes it doesn't take much for God to speak to me! He mentioned having to know who you want to be - not WHAT you want to be - WHO. And then go after it with everything you've got. So for 2 days I've been asking God, Who am I? Who was I created to be? Because that is who I want to be - the person God designed for me to be. What's the difference between who I am and what I am? Still not real sure on that one. I'm 42 years old and I'm still not sure that I even know who I am. Hmmmmm. I went to sleep last night asking God "Who am I?" And I woke up thinking about it still. So in thmy prayer time this morning I wrote down what I did know. Then I worte what God revealed. Time for more total honesty.
I do have regrets. I admit it. I regret that I haven't done more with my life. I regret getting this out of shape and not caring about myself more. I regret that I never did anything incredible with the brain God gave me. I was ranked in the top 9% of my high school class, I tested at borderline genius, I graduated valedictorian of Bible College - yet I sit here as day after day passes by and I've not accomplished anymore than the average person - maybe even less. This may be my biggest regret. I completely believe that if God gave me a highly intelligent brain there was a reason; which means I have also disapointed Him and failed in my giftings. (Not walking in condemnation - just total honesty - sometimes needed to get to the other side.) Bear with me here. I regret how mean and judgemental I am to the people around me. And I truly regret that I can honestly say that there are times in my past where I was much more intimate with God than I am right now.
So there I am. Confronted with my regrets. I do have some. But what I realized in writing this stuff down is this - I have the power to change every single one. No one else can change it - but I CAN. Acknowledging the regrets gives me a starting point. I know where to focus. I would encourage everyone to do this. Take some time to write down the regrets you have and then look over it. If there are some you can't change - things that have happened to you - make a decision now to release them - let them go. I don't regret the things in my past - they brought me to where I am; they developed character and strength in my life. Then take the rest of your list and decide today to do soemthing different. Do you regret getting married? Then choose to be the best spouse you can possibly be! Whatever it is that you regret - make the decision to move past that by doing something to change it.
Now for the next part - Who Am I? Who do I want to be? What I am is easy - pastor, teacher, mother, wife, personal trainer. What I want to be is easy - speaker, author, motivator. But WHO AM I? This has stumped me. What is the difference? God took me to His word. Who Am I according to his word? More than a conqueror. Overcomer. A Christian. Christian is not what I am - it's who I am; because I'm a Christian I can overcome the regrets in my life. I can run and not grow weary. So I have determined to take Who I am and my list of regrets, and come up with a few basic goals in which to live my life.
I commit to be the best wife/mother I can be.
I commit to be the best Christian I can be.
I commit to be the best trainer I can be.
I commit to be the best author I can be.
I commit to be the best speaker I can be.
I commit to be the best life I can be. If today is the last day I have, if today is the day I will be remembered for, I want it to count.
By the end of prayer, I had my answer.
WHO do I want to be?
Someone who loves life
Who lives
Who enjoys God and His creation
Who tries to be the best I can be.
That's Who I am - and I will go after that with everything I have.
Apolo Ohno recently published a book called "Zero Regrets." I started reading it yesterday. I am on page 6 now. I know, that isn't much, but sometimes it doesn't take much for God to speak to me! He mentioned having to know who you want to be - not WHAT you want to be - WHO. And then go after it with everything you've got. So for 2 days I've been asking God, Who am I? Who was I created to be? Because that is who I want to be - the person God designed for me to be. What's the difference between who I am and what I am? Still not real sure on that one. I'm 42 years old and I'm still not sure that I even know who I am. Hmmmmm. I went to sleep last night asking God "Who am I?" And I woke up thinking about it still. So in thmy prayer time this morning I wrote down what I did know. Then I worte what God revealed. Time for more total honesty.
I do have regrets. I admit it. I regret that I haven't done more with my life. I regret getting this out of shape and not caring about myself more. I regret that I never did anything incredible with the brain God gave me. I was ranked in the top 9% of my high school class, I tested at borderline genius, I graduated valedictorian of Bible College - yet I sit here as day after day passes by and I've not accomplished anymore than the average person - maybe even less. This may be my biggest regret. I completely believe that if God gave me a highly intelligent brain there was a reason; which means I have also disapointed Him and failed in my giftings. (Not walking in condemnation - just total honesty - sometimes needed to get to the other side.) Bear with me here. I regret how mean and judgemental I am to the people around me. And I truly regret that I can honestly say that there are times in my past where I was much more intimate with God than I am right now.
So there I am. Confronted with my regrets. I do have some. But what I realized in writing this stuff down is this - I have the power to change every single one. No one else can change it - but I CAN. Acknowledging the regrets gives me a starting point. I know where to focus. I would encourage everyone to do this. Take some time to write down the regrets you have and then look over it. If there are some you can't change - things that have happened to you - make a decision now to release them - let them go. I don't regret the things in my past - they brought me to where I am; they developed character and strength in my life. Then take the rest of your list and decide today to do soemthing different. Do you regret getting married? Then choose to be the best spouse you can possibly be! Whatever it is that you regret - make the decision to move past that by doing something to change it.
Now for the next part - Who Am I? Who do I want to be? What I am is easy - pastor, teacher, mother, wife, personal trainer. What I want to be is easy - speaker, author, motivator. But WHO AM I? This has stumped me. What is the difference? God took me to His word. Who Am I according to his word? More than a conqueror. Overcomer. A Christian. Christian is not what I am - it's who I am; because I'm a Christian I can overcome the regrets in my life. I can run and not grow weary. So I have determined to take Who I am and my list of regrets, and come up with a few basic goals in which to live my life.
I commit to be the best wife/mother I can be.
I commit to be the best Christian I can be.
I commit to be the best trainer I can be.
I commit to be the best author I can be.
I commit to be the best speaker I can be.
I commit to be the best life I can be. If today is the last day I have, if today is the day I will be remembered for, I want it to count.
By the end of prayer, I had my answer.
WHO do I want to be?
Someone who loves life
Who lives
Who enjoys God and His creation
Who tries to be the best I can be.
That's Who I am - and I will go after that with everything I have.
Tuesday, January 4, 2011
God's Power is Great
I woke up hungry today. I thought about all the people in the world who wake up hungry every day and wish they weren't. I rejoice that I am. For too long I have used excuses to give in to the desires of flesh instead of resisting temptation. I gained 35 pounds in the last 6 months. That is not how I want to live my life. Yesterday I determined to get back on track. It was nice to actually wake up hungry and know that it was a good thing. After a bowl of cereal to stop the pains, and a 25 calorie cup of cocoa (with 25 calories of whip cream) to warm my insides, here we are. I have noticed how much my eating habits effect every area of my life. I have felt lately like I was far away from God; that I couldn't hear Him anymore. I was struggling to keep any kind of prayer life and had no desire to go to church. Actually, I had no desire to do anything. I was still a Christian; just wasn't pursuing much of a relationship with my Creator.
It wasn't only my walk with Christ that was different. I noticed how easily I was snapping at people. I had become judgemental and distant. I didn't want to go to the center, exercise, teach, or anything else. I blamed it on depression. I blamed it on how busy I was studying for my exam. I blamed it on the clients and how cruel some of them have been (Women in recovery can be deadly!) I never blamed my eating habits. I didn't consider how much my choices would effect other areas of my life.
As the end of the year came, I began thinking about New Years resolution and how I really didn't want to have any because most people never actually follow through with them. Then I began to think about all the New Years that we have jumped into with excitement and expectations - plans on how everything would be so different this year - just to end the year and start another with basically no change. Pastor Glenn at Solid Rock used to say the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results. I feel like I've had a lifetime of insanity. I'm ready to break that cycle. It really doesn't matter how many New Years are spent making resolutions and determinations; if the method doesn't change the results will stay the same.
So my resolution, if I have one, is to simple do something different. Change the method so to speak. Instead of planning all these things I'm going to change, I'm simply committing to live differently. Sometimes we have to do things before we feel like doing them. So I started yesterday with prayer. I prayed even though I didn't feel like it - and I wrote in my Hungry for God blog about what happened.
I am committed to change. I am committed to prayer. And it's making all the difference. I feel better about myself. I have the strength to resist food. I'm nicer to my family. And I'm getting "downloads" again. For years, I've focused on a rigid Bible reading - 2 chapters in Old T, 2 chapters in New T, 1 psalm, 1 proverb. I would ask God to help me understand what I was reading, but often had read so much I ended up getting very little out. This year I'm committed to taking my time. I might not read much, but I get so much out of it. One verse can feed me all day. Ephesians 1:19 was the devotional verse for today. "You will know that God's power is very great for us who believe." Wow.
I am committed to walk in God's power. I am committed to letting Him change me. I am committed to becoming the person He desires me to be. I am committed to doing it His way - no big plans or schemes - just focusing on Him and letting Him do the rest. God's power is very great - that is enough for me.
It wasn't only my walk with Christ that was different. I noticed how easily I was snapping at people. I had become judgemental and distant. I didn't want to go to the center, exercise, teach, or anything else. I blamed it on depression. I blamed it on how busy I was studying for my exam. I blamed it on the clients and how cruel some of them have been (Women in recovery can be deadly!) I never blamed my eating habits. I didn't consider how much my choices would effect other areas of my life.
As the end of the year came, I began thinking about New Years resolution and how I really didn't want to have any because most people never actually follow through with them. Then I began to think about all the New Years that we have jumped into with excitement and expectations - plans on how everything would be so different this year - just to end the year and start another with basically no change. Pastor Glenn at Solid Rock used to say the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results. I feel like I've had a lifetime of insanity. I'm ready to break that cycle. It really doesn't matter how many New Years are spent making resolutions and determinations; if the method doesn't change the results will stay the same.
So my resolution, if I have one, is to simple do something different. Change the method so to speak. Instead of planning all these things I'm going to change, I'm simply committing to live differently. Sometimes we have to do things before we feel like doing them. So I started yesterday with prayer. I prayed even though I didn't feel like it - and I wrote in my Hungry for God blog about what happened.
I am committed to change. I am committed to prayer. And it's making all the difference. I feel better about myself. I have the strength to resist food. I'm nicer to my family. And I'm getting "downloads" again. For years, I've focused on a rigid Bible reading - 2 chapters in Old T, 2 chapters in New T, 1 psalm, 1 proverb. I would ask God to help me understand what I was reading, but often had read so much I ended up getting very little out. This year I'm committed to taking my time. I might not read much, but I get so much out of it. One verse can feed me all day. Ephesians 1:19 was the devotional verse for today. "You will know that God's power is very great for us who believe." Wow.
I am committed to walk in God's power. I am committed to letting Him change me. I am committed to becoming the person He desires me to be. I am committed to doing it His way - no big plans or schemes - just focusing on Him and letting Him do the rest. God's power is very great - that is enough for me.
Sunday, December 12, 2010
He knew about today
I have a migraine. Woke up with it and it's continued to get worse. I've taken 2 naps and am wearing sun glasses indoors to dull the pain. I haven't had a headache like this in about 10 years. And I can't stop thanking God for His goodness. Sounds strange doesn't it? I just keep thinking that He knew this was going to happen. See, 2 months ago I took on a huge project. One of the most difficult things I've ever done. Completing this tasks includes learning a 500 page manual, completing 2 workbooks, and passing a 150 question test that only 67% of people pass. And as I said, I took this on with only 8 weeks to complete it all. So I have been cramming for weeks and I have come to the place where I have one week left. I have felt the stress of taking on a huge project that even I don't think I can complete. I have felt the frustration of wanting to enjoy holiday time but instead having to study. I have felt the discipline of fasting TV and giving up family time to accomplish this. Today was the deadline I gave myself to have everything done, because next week I have to study and practice. I did not want any reading left to do because I'm leaving myself only one week to actually learn what I've read. Yesterday I finished. Yesterday I finished the reading and filled out every page in 2 workbooks. One day early. And today I woke up with a migraine. I can't help but think how stressed I would be if I had not finished a day early. I keep thinking how behind I would be if I started tomorrow with more work. God knew I would be incapacitated today. And He made sure I had the push to do double work yesterday. Some of you may think, "Why didn't He just heal the migraine?" I don't know. Maybe it was because I needed a day of rest. Maybe I needed to stop everything and just rest; can't remember the last time I've done that. I don't know. I don't think like God. All I know is that He knew this day was coming and He brought me through. I have been behind every week, but suddenly I am caught up the day before I needed to be. He cares about every part of our lives. I havent asked Him to heal me today. I've just thanked Him over and over for being in control of my life. For meeting my needs. For working ALL things out for my good. We are instructed to "rejoice in the Lord ALWAYS."
Who rejoices during a migraine? I DO!
Who rejoices during a migraine? I DO!
Saturday, November 27, 2010
How bad do I want it?
I really need to write more often. No idea why this seems to be the thing I always put off, maybe I've been in a place where I would really rather not look inward at the moment. Blogging for me means getting real, addressing my struggles, and moving forward. Quite frankly, I've been stuck for awhile. We have been in Arizona for almost 4 months now. I have never felt like I belonged anywhere like I do here, yet it has been such a struggle. I have battled what I guess would be depression for a few months now; fighting and fighting to overcome and keep functioning while feeling like I wanted to just give up. I reached the point where I didn't even have any desire to pray anymore. It's hard to explain - asking God to please help me desire Him like I use to and at the same time having no desire to even talk to Him at all. Not exactly a good place for a Pastor to be!!
It's hard to admit that I don't want to talk to God. After all, I should have it so together. I need to be an example. Yet, God knows how I'm feeling and perhaps sharing this publicly will help someone else. The one thing I have is my ability to be honest with my Creator. He can handle it when I admit I'm not feeling it. I feel like I'm sinking; I have so many things I think I should be doing that I can't figure out what to do. I feel like I've lost myself somewhere in the move. Suddenly everything I knew is gone and now we run a recovery program and my husband needs me to assist him, run financials, teach the women, keep our schedules, and figure out how to walk in my calling at the same time. I don't know how to do that. But I'm still trying. I've had to back off from some of the work. I married a wonderful man who believes in me and supports me and I am so blessed.
So, during this struggle in my life, I feel like I've pushed myself to the back - letting everything go that was important to me so I could try and accomplish all that was needed of me. Until I reached a breaking point. Everyday I asked God to please help me, please give me back the discipline and ambition that I had before. A couple weeks ago, I stayed home alone while my family went out. I put on some worship music and was cleaning. At some point the music caught me and I began to really listen to what I was singing. And I began to break. I heard the Lord telling me, "Everything you need I've already given you." I was reminded of the verse that says there is always a way out of temptation. I was reminded tha tI can do all things through Christ who strengthens me. That His strength is made perfect in my weakness. It's OK to be weak. But we have to rely on Him to bring us through. It's ok to be weak, it's not ok to use that weakness as an excuse to curl up and give up. We have been given the tools to overcome. The question is, am I going to use those tools to overcome, or continue begging Him to do it for me?
I am definitely in a new place in my life. I don't have any close friends here, I don't have the powerful teachings I had back home. Now it's our turn to lead. I learned a long time ago that my relationship with God couldn't come from a man. It's time to put all the teachings I had into practice. It's time to build my relationship with Him. It's time to grow up. Maybe I should have been there a long time ago. Or maybe this is just another step on the way. This time I won't have anyone encouraging me or telling me what to do. This time I have to want it myself. I will have to make the decision to pursue this relationship and take it further than we've ever gone. This time my relationship won't be built in a group. Or in a church. This time, it's gonna be me and God - on my living room carpet.
How about you?
It's hard to admit that I don't want to talk to God. After all, I should have it so together. I need to be an example. Yet, God knows how I'm feeling and perhaps sharing this publicly will help someone else. The one thing I have is my ability to be honest with my Creator. He can handle it when I admit I'm not feeling it. I feel like I'm sinking; I have so many things I think I should be doing that I can't figure out what to do. I feel like I've lost myself somewhere in the move. Suddenly everything I knew is gone and now we run a recovery program and my husband needs me to assist him, run financials, teach the women, keep our schedules, and figure out how to walk in my calling at the same time. I don't know how to do that. But I'm still trying. I've had to back off from some of the work. I married a wonderful man who believes in me and supports me and I am so blessed.
So, during this struggle in my life, I feel like I've pushed myself to the back - letting everything go that was important to me so I could try and accomplish all that was needed of me. Until I reached a breaking point. Everyday I asked God to please help me, please give me back the discipline and ambition that I had before. A couple weeks ago, I stayed home alone while my family went out. I put on some worship music and was cleaning. At some point the music caught me and I began to really listen to what I was singing. And I began to break. I heard the Lord telling me, "Everything you need I've already given you." I was reminded of the verse that says there is always a way out of temptation. I was reminded tha tI can do all things through Christ who strengthens me. That His strength is made perfect in my weakness. It's OK to be weak. But we have to rely on Him to bring us through. It's ok to be weak, it's not ok to use that weakness as an excuse to curl up and give up. We have been given the tools to overcome. The question is, am I going to use those tools to overcome, or continue begging Him to do it for me?
I am definitely in a new place in my life. I don't have any close friends here, I don't have the powerful teachings I had back home. Now it's our turn to lead. I learned a long time ago that my relationship with God couldn't come from a man. It's time to put all the teachings I had into practice. It's time to build my relationship with Him. It's time to grow up. Maybe I should have been there a long time ago. Or maybe this is just another step on the way. This time I won't have anyone encouraging me or telling me what to do. This time I have to want it myself. I will have to make the decision to pursue this relationship and take it further than we've ever gone. This time my relationship won't be built in a group. Or in a church. This time, it's gonna be me and God - on my living room carpet.
How about you?
Tuesday, September 7, 2010
Why I Worship . . .
The other day I was in my worship time with God and I began to reflect on His love for us. The Bible says we love Him because He first loved us. It's easy to love someone when they love you first. It's easy to love someone who's always there; someone who's patient, strong, and always has you on their mind. But so many times I talk to people that struggle with loving God. There are so many reasons: I can't hear God, He doesn't talk to me, why did He let this or that happen, I don't feel God near me, I've done too many bad things, and on and on and on. . . .
We struggle to love God because we DOUBT His love for us. We struggle to overcome the things that have happened in our lives that would APPEAR to say God does not care. We doubt His love when we struggle to hear His voice, when we walk through dark times, when we FEEL alone. If we would only step back and truly look at our situation, truth begins to enlighten us. Doubt, appearances, and feelings are all based on our own opinions; not necessarily reality.
What is reality? Reality is that God loves us. No matter how we feel or what we think or what it looks like; God LOVES us. So much so He gave His son to die for us. And the Son? Jesus loves us so much that He saw us when there was NOTHING good in us and CHOSE to die for us anyway. He looked at us in our sin, in our darkness, in our hopelessness and climbed on a cross to die for us. I worship a God who loved me when I hated Him, when I blamed Him, when I despised Him. I worship a God who loved me when I could not love myself; a God that offered me hope and life when I deserved death and condemnation. How can I not worship a God that loves like that? How could I offer anything less than my absolute praise? When I think about that kind of love, I have to worship. Regardless of situations or circumstances, that love does not waiver or change. I can rely on His love, lean on His love, depend on His love.
His love can overcome any obstacle and I refuse to look at the obstacle before me when I can gaze at the one who deserves my attention. No matter how dark things have been, how hopeless they have seemed, when I keep my focus on Him, I come out. I can look back and see where He used different situations to grow me, develop me, teach me, increase me. Whether I heard Him or not, felt Him or not; I can see now that He was always there. And He always will be, not only for me but for anyone willing to trust Him.
I love God because He first loved me. And His love will carry me. And as I reflect on that love, I just have to worship . . .
We struggle to love God because we DOUBT His love for us. We struggle to overcome the things that have happened in our lives that would APPEAR to say God does not care. We doubt His love when we struggle to hear His voice, when we walk through dark times, when we FEEL alone. If we would only step back and truly look at our situation, truth begins to enlighten us. Doubt, appearances, and feelings are all based on our own opinions; not necessarily reality.
What is reality? Reality is that God loves us. No matter how we feel or what we think or what it looks like; God LOVES us. So much so He gave His son to die for us. And the Son? Jesus loves us so much that He saw us when there was NOTHING good in us and CHOSE to die for us anyway. He looked at us in our sin, in our darkness, in our hopelessness and climbed on a cross to die for us. I worship a God who loved me when I hated Him, when I blamed Him, when I despised Him. I worship a God who loved me when I could not love myself; a God that offered me hope and life when I deserved death and condemnation. How can I not worship a God that loves like that? How could I offer anything less than my absolute praise? When I think about that kind of love, I have to worship. Regardless of situations or circumstances, that love does not waiver or change. I can rely on His love, lean on His love, depend on His love.
His love can overcome any obstacle and I refuse to look at the obstacle before me when I can gaze at the one who deserves my attention. No matter how dark things have been, how hopeless they have seemed, when I keep my focus on Him, I come out. I can look back and see where He used different situations to grow me, develop me, teach me, increase me. Whether I heard Him or not, felt Him or not; I can see now that He was always there. And He always will be, not only for me but for anyone willing to trust Him.
I love God because He first loved me. And His love will carry me. And as I reflect on that love, I just have to worship . . .
Monday, August 23, 2010
Honesty
I always say this is all about total honesty. So once again I’m writing what I’d rather not admit. I have been utterly failing. I did so well with my eating until I reached 6 months. Then I began to struggle. For the last 4 months I’ve been going back and forth. The last month has been ridiculous. We recently moved to Arizona from Florida so I’ve lost my gym and my trainer. About a month ago I quit training and let my pt go because we were moving. Then we took our youth group to camp for a week, spent the next week packing up and cleaning, the next week driving to AZ, and finally a week of getting settled in our new house. This week I thought I’d finally get back on track, but instead I’ve been turning to food every time I get bored or argue with my husband or just want to be lazy. Honestly, my eating has been exactly like before I was set free. If I continue like this it is only a matter of time before I’m back where I was.
I have had some improvement. 2 out of 3 days I’ve forced myself to get up and go for a walk. I feel like I’m starting over from scratch. I don’t feel like running, don’t want to workout, no energy, moody, blah blah blah. I’ve been looking at some of my old pics. I truly do NOT want to go back to that. I miss my trainer and I miss the gym and I have every excuse in the book to just give up. I have no accountability anymore and no encouragement. But I can’t give up. I have to get back in the game and move forward. I want health. I want to have energy. I want to be able to stay awake for the whole day without needing a nap. I want my back to not hurt every morning. I want to be able to run. It’s frustrating to have to start over from the beginning. But we need to remember when we fall that we have still made progress. I am still 70 pounds lighter than I was last year. I can jog farther than I could last year. Yes, I have fallen. I am not where I was 4 months ago, but I can get back there.
I need to remember that there are people who believe in me. I deserve freedom and I desire to take others with me into that freedom. I am praying that God will send me new accountability to help get my focus back, but either way – it is time to continue this journey. Father, give me the determination I need to be what I’m created to be. ALL that I’m created to be.
NOTE - this was written August 11th, before we had internet. Decided to share it with everyone. Maybe it will touch someone else to not give up.
I have had some improvement. 2 out of 3 days I’ve forced myself to get up and go for a walk. I feel like I’m starting over from scratch. I don’t feel like running, don’t want to workout, no energy, moody, blah blah blah. I’ve been looking at some of my old pics. I truly do NOT want to go back to that. I miss my trainer and I miss the gym and I have every excuse in the book to just give up. I have no accountability anymore and no encouragement. But I can’t give up. I have to get back in the game and move forward. I want health. I want to have energy. I want to be able to stay awake for the whole day without needing a nap. I want my back to not hurt every morning. I want to be able to run. It’s frustrating to have to start over from the beginning. But we need to remember when we fall that we have still made progress. I am still 70 pounds lighter than I was last year. I can jog farther than I could last year. Yes, I have fallen. I am not where I was 4 months ago, but I can get back there.
I need to remember that there are people who believe in me. I deserve freedom and I desire to take others with me into that freedom. I am praying that God will send me new accountability to help get my focus back, but either way – it is time to continue this journey. Father, give me the determination I need to be what I’m created to be. ALL that I’m created to be.
NOTE - this was written August 11th, before we had internet. Decided to share it with everyone. Maybe it will touch someone else to not give up.
Tuesday, July 20, 2010
There's a fire in my bones uncontainable
Can I quote a song? "There's a stirring in my heart, unexplainable. There's a calling on my days, undeniable. There's a fire in my bones uncontainable. And it's causing me to burn . . . for you" Burn for You by Steve Fee.
Wow! God is stiring things up like only He can do and continuing to blow my mind! As many of you know, we received a burden 2 months ago for Pheonix, Arizona. Monday, July 26 we will be packing the truck and heading out. We will be traveling about 2300 miles over 3 days in a truck to get there. Fun, fun!
We will be restructuring a recovery center in Phoenix and birthing a ministry to young people called "The Edge." Our desire is to build a ministry where any denomination can come and worship and be accepted - church that doesn't look anything like church. Our desire is also to continue doing conferences and some other projects as the Lord leads. All of this may change as our plan is to copy Matt Pitt when the Basement was birthed. Simply pray, worship, read the word, and then do exactly what God says!!
God has moved quickly in the last 2 months to position and prepare us for this transition. He has provided the $3000 for moving. Jody just returned from a 3 week trip there and he was able to find a house that is being held for us and rented monthly so we are free to move as God instructs. The recovery center found a building to plant a church and Jody became their worship Pastor. This building also gives us a place to start our meetings at a resonable fee. One of my hearts cry was to have a solid covering as we stepped out into new territory and God has also answered that. Not only has Aiming High moved under this new covering, but so have we. Last Sunday, Jody and I were ordained and commissioned by Pastors Deon and Carmen Lett and Aiming High is now an affiliate of New Destiny. I keep hearing "completion" in my spirit. Many of you will understand the significance of this move. There is peace and security in knowing that you have a covering that will pray when they say they will pray. I am so excited that God has brought us under a couple that I love so much.
I can't even begin to explain the burning in my spirit for this new step. Phoenix is the meth capital and human trafficking capital of our country. It is the number one place for kidnapping and the Mexican mafia is strong, but God is stronger. Last week we took our youth group to camp as our last event together and a saw a vision of one tendril of smoke rising out of the middle of Florida. That smoke suddenly burst into a raging fire and the fire burned across Florida and into the midwest, consuming states as it reached into and covered Arizona. I was thinking it looked like a wildfire with the quickness that it started and spread. God showed me that when a wildfire is in full force, there is little man can do to stop it. They can try different things to weaken the fire, but the only real hope to stop a raging wildfire is to get it to burn itself out. Then He told me that this is the fire inside each of us - the enemy can come against us and try to discourage us, but he cannot have victory. The only way to defeat us is if WE allow the fire to go out. That's why it is so important to have connections with others, to encourage and uplift and come together - it keeps the fire raging.
That's my little sermonette for the day. No matter what it looks like in the natural, the enemy DOES NOT HAVE THE POWER TO PUT YOUR FIRE OUT! He cannot win!
Our number one greatest need is prayer. Please cover us, our daughter, Aiming High, our finances, etc. Jody will need to find a paying job when we get there to support us and our ministry will need to bring in finances to cover it's costs as well. We truly need every aspect of this journey covered in prayers. We are going into a place of darkness and the darkness doesn't want us there, but our God is able and He has linked us with powerful prayer warriors for a reason. I am hoping to get better at sending out regular prayer requests as I get settled. Also, please respond and let me know if you want to receive our newsletter. Of couse, we need financial assistant and donations can be made on our web-site at www.aiminghighministries.com or www.terrihall.org if anyone is able. We love all of you and I look forward to seeing you the next time we're in the area.
Discovering Destiny!
Pastors Jody & Terri Hall
Fullfill Your Destiny!
www.aiminghighministries.com
Wow! God is stiring things up like only He can do and continuing to blow my mind! As many of you know, we received a burden 2 months ago for Pheonix, Arizona. Monday, July 26 we will be packing the truck and heading out. We will be traveling about 2300 miles over 3 days in a truck to get there. Fun, fun!
We will be restructuring a recovery center in Phoenix and birthing a ministry to young people called "The Edge." Our desire is to build a ministry where any denomination can come and worship and be accepted - church that doesn't look anything like church. Our desire is also to continue doing conferences and some other projects as the Lord leads. All of this may change as our plan is to copy Matt Pitt when the Basement was birthed. Simply pray, worship, read the word, and then do exactly what God says!!
God has moved quickly in the last 2 months to position and prepare us for this transition. He has provided the $3000 for moving. Jody just returned from a 3 week trip there and he was able to find a house that is being held for us and rented monthly so we are free to move as God instructs. The recovery center found a building to plant a church and Jody became their worship Pastor. This building also gives us a place to start our meetings at a resonable fee. One of my hearts cry was to have a solid covering as we stepped out into new territory and God has also answered that. Not only has Aiming High moved under this new covering, but so have we. Last Sunday, Jody and I were ordained and commissioned by Pastors Deon and Carmen Lett and Aiming High is now an affiliate of New Destiny. I keep hearing "completion" in my spirit. Many of you will understand the significance of this move. There is peace and security in knowing that you have a covering that will pray when they say they will pray. I am so excited that God has brought us under a couple that I love so much.
I can't even begin to explain the burning in my spirit for this new step. Phoenix is the meth capital and human trafficking capital of our country. It is the number one place for kidnapping and the Mexican mafia is strong, but God is stronger. Last week we took our youth group to camp as our last event together and a saw a vision of one tendril of smoke rising out of the middle of Florida. That smoke suddenly burst into a raging fire and the fire burned across Florida and into the midwest, consuming states as it reached into and covered Arizona. I was thinking it looked like a wildfire with the quickness that it started and spread. God showed me that when a wildfire is in full force, there is little man can do to stop it. They can try different things to weaken the fire, but the only real hope to stop a raging wildfire is to get it to burn itself out. Then He told me that this is the fire inside each of us - the enemy can come against us and try to discourage us, but he cannot have victory. The only way to defeat us is if WE allow the fire to go out. That's why it is so important to have connections with others, to encourage and uplift and come together - it keeps the fire raging.
That's my little sermonette for the day. No matter what it looks like in the natural, the enemy DOES NOT HAVE THE POWER TO PUT YOUR FIRE OUT! He cannot win!
Our number one greatest need is prayer. Please cover us, our daughter, Aiming High, our finances, etc. Jody will need to find a paying job when we get there to support us and our ministry will need to bring in finances to cover it's costs as well. We truly need every aspect of this journey covered in prayers. We are going into a place of darkness and the darkness doesn't want us there, but our God is able and He has linked us with powerful prayer warriors for a reason. I am hoping to get better at sending out regular prayer requests as I get settled. Also, please respond and let me know if you want to receive our newsletter. Of couse, we need financial assistant and donations can be made on our web-site at www.aiminghighministries.com or www.terrihall.org if anyone is able. We love all of you and I look forward to seeing you the next time we're in the area.
Discovering Destiny!
Pastors Jody & Terri Hall
Fullfill Your Destiny!
www.aiminghighministries.com
Thursday, June 10, 2010
Somebody Say BREAKTHROUGH!!
Psalm 30:5 For his anger lasts only a moment,but his favor lasts a lifetime!Weeping may last through the night,but joy comes with the morning.
God is so incredibly good. I got up this morning still feeling the same way. No desire to workout, no discipline to eat right; just excuse after excuse. Our air conditioner stopped working last night and I thought, "That is a good reason to stay home this morning - I need to wait for the repair man." Even though he hasn't even returned my call yet. And I would think that sane people would prefer an air conditioned gym and heated pool over a house in Florida with no air in June, but then, no one has ever accused me of being sane!
So there's my excuse. I text my trainer that I don't know if I can train today and I head to the kitchen for breakfast. Not finding anything appeasing, I decide to make pancakes (comfort food????). I of course burnt it and could only eat about half after cutting away the yuck. So the old mindset hits and I decide, yeah, I'm just gonna eat and I headed back to the kitchen to make more. In case you don't know, pancakes are one of the worst foods you can pick - full of sugar and calories and not much healthy stuff at all. Too many will make me need a nap.
So I'm in the kitchen and I remember the mountain video and the work it took to get me there and I begin to cry. (If you haven't seen the video it's on my blog about 3 stories before this one.) I came out of that kitchen crying out to God that I can not go backwards. I never want to be 300 pounds again. Or 340, or 320 or even 270. I want to honor Him with my body and I want my husband to be proud of me; not disappointed. I cried out for help. And then my trainer called. Said he was busy and we could cancel - it was up to me. I told him I NEED to go forward.
So here I am. I did not overeat, and I'm about to head out the door to the gym. The air conditioner will have to wait. I have to take care of me. This battle needs to be priority in my life. God heard my cries and he met me in my time of need. He always does. Last nights sorrow/shame/fear has become this mornings joy. He'll turn it around.
How does anyone make it without Jesus in their life? That question is beyond me.
God is so incredibly good. I got up this morning still feeling the same way. No desire to workout, no discipline to eat right; just excuse after excuse. Our air conditioner stopped working last night and I thought, "That is a good reason to stay home this morning - I need to wait for the repair man." Even though he hasn't even returned my call yet. And I would think that sane people would prefer an air conditioned gym and heated pool over a house in Florida with no air in June, but then, no one has ever accused me of being sane!
So there's my excuse. I text my trainer that I don't know if I can train today and I head to the kitchen for breakfast. Not finding anything appeasing, I decide to make pancakes (comfort food????). I of course burnt it and could only eat about half after cutting away the yuck. So the old mindset hits and I decide, yeah, I'm just gonna eat and I headed back to the kitchen to make more. In case you don't know, pancakes are one of the worst foods you can pick - full of sugar and calories and not much healthy stuff at all. Too many will make me need a nap.
So I'm in the kitchen and I remember the mountain video and the work it took to get me there and I begin to cry. (If you haven't seen the video it's on my blog about 3 stories before this one.) I came out of that kitchen crying out to God that I can not go backwards. I never want to be 300 pounds again. Or 340, or 320 or even 270. I want to honor Him with my body and I want my husband to be proud of me; not disappointed. I cried out for help. And then my trainer called. Said he was busy and we could cancel - it was up to me. I told him I NEED to go forward.
So here I am. I did not overeat, and I'm about to head out the door to the gym. The air conditioner will have to wait. I have to take care of me. This battle needs to be priority in my life. God heard my cries and he met me in my time of need. He always does. Last nights sorrow/shame/fear has become this mornings joy. He'll turn it around.
How does anyone make it without Jesus in their life? That question is beyond me.
Wednesday, June 9, 2010
Complete honesty
Total honesty, right? That's how I roll. That's how I want to help people, by being completely honest. But it's easier to be honest after you've made it through the struggle and succeeded - who wants to admit when they're in the middle and not sure if they'll make it out. But that's what I've committed to do. I am struggling right now. I have been for over a month now. That's dangerous. That is not a couple of days or a "once in awhile." It's a regular thing that's been going on for about 5 weeks now - that's like relapse for addicts.
It's a scary thing, because HONESTLY, I'm afraid I won't make it back on track. I'm afraid that I'm stuck and I'm going to slide back down this hill that I've been climbing. I've been able to slide for the last month because people still think I look different, but I know I allowed some compromise and now I feel like I can't get back on track. Every day I get up determined to eat right and by afternoon I'm ignoring that voice that says to stop. Every night I tell myself I'll go running and every morning I find a reason not to. I know that if I stay like this, I will eventually end up back where I was. I never want to go back there again. So why isn't that enough to get me back on track? Why am I stuck in this hole again? Why am I having such a hard time controlling my flesh once again?
I don't know. I fell like I;m getting farther and farther away, but I can't give up. I have to find a way to stop myself from falling; to head back up the mountain. Gotta get my priorities straight.
So that's where I am. Stuck. . .drifting . . .hesitant, but believing that God will be glorified in this situation. He's got me, I just need to hold on.
It's a scary thing, because HONESTLY, I'm afraid I won't make it back on track. I'm afraid that I'm stuck and I'm going to slide back down this hill that I've been climbing. I've been able to slide for the last month because people still think I look different, but I know I allowed some compromise and now I feel like I can't get back on track. Every day I get up determined to eat right and by afternoon I'm ignoring that voice that says to stop. Every night I tell myself I'll go running and every morning I find a reason not to. I know that if I stay like this, I will eventually end up back where I was. I never want to go back there again. So why isn't that enough to get me back on track? Why am I stuck in this hole again? Why am I having such a hard time controlling my flesh once again?
I don't know. I fell like I;m getting farther and farther away, but I can't give up. I have to find a way to stop myself from falling; to head back up the mountain. Gotta get my priorities straight.
So that's where I am. Stuck. . .drifting . . .hesitant, but believing that God will be glorified in this situation. He's got me, I just need to hold on.
Monday, May 31, 2010
Compromise is deadly
Have not been on track lately. I knew when I started this journey that compromise is the open door back to the beginning. Compromise is what has ruined my diets every time. You give in a little bit once, and then again, and again, and again and eventually you find yourself back where you started wondering what went wrong and feeling like there is simply no hope and no way out. I realized that this time and I was so careful to listen to my body, my mind, and the holy spirit; to stop when I needed to and be careful to watch my calories.
And then I began to compromise. I stopped writing down what I ate. I started increasing my calories with teh excuse that I was working out more and hungrier. Sometimes I think I was hungry but the point is I was justifying, not really searching for truth. Then we went on vacation and I told myself I would just eat normally while on vacation and get right back on my diet on our trip to Arizona. The problem is I always want to eat when I'm bored. When I have nothing else to do, that's my desire. But I have no excuses; I could have gone for a walk or exercised or something, but I used it as an excuse to blow my diet.
After 2 weeks of vacation, I've found it very hard to get back on track. In fact, last week I reached the point of excessive eating again. So what now?
Now I put things in place to get me back on track. I've prayed and asked God to help me. I confessed to my husband my struggling. I told my trainer I need accountability with my food journal again. While it's hard to break habits and the desire to keep eating is strong, I'm doing pretty good today. And I refuse to give up. I want this too badly.
So, whatever you trying to accomplish in life, remember this: compromise can be deadly.
And then I began to compromise. I stopped writing down what I ate. I started increasing my calories with teh excuse that I was working out more and hungrier. Sometimes I think I was hungry but the point is I was justifying, not really searching for truth. Then we went on vacation and I told myself I would just eat normally while on vacation and get right back on my diet on our trip to Arizona. The problem is I always want to eat when I'm bored. When I have nothing else to do, that's my desire. But I have no excuses; I could have gone for a walk or exercised or something, but I used it as an excuse to blow my diet.
After 2 weeks of vacation, I've found it very hard to get back on track. In fact, last week I reached the point of excessive eating again. So what now?
Now I put things in place to get me back on track. I've prayed and asked God to help me. I confessed to my husband my struggling. I told my trainer I need accountability with my food journal again. While it's hard to break habits and the desire to keep eating is strong, I'm doing pretty good today. And I refuse to give up. I want this too badly.
So, whatever you trying to accomplish in life, remember this: compromise can be deadly.
Wednesday, May 12, 2010
Climbing Mountains - & Video
Alright, I am here to share what I experienced on May 8, 2010 in Phoenix, Arizona. I climbed a mountain. A real, actual, made out of rock mountain formed by glaciers umpteen years ago. Some people (who have never climbed mountains) told me it wouldn't be too hard - it would just be a lot of walking up a trail that would curve gently around to the top. So I thought it would be hard and talk me a while, but I would just take my time and stroll up a hill. A really big hill. SO, the mountain I climbed was Squaw Peak and I did not get very far before I was out of breath. I workout and do cardio regularly, but it is all on pretty flat inclines. I was not prepared for literally 1000's of steps of various sizes. Sure, some areas slope gently and you can just walk, but most of the climb is steps formed by different size rocks. It didn't take long for my thighs to burn and my heart to pound. I was tired when I hit the first marker that said .25 mile! A quarter of a mile?? I jog that in Florida. It's tough, but I do it. I could not believe that was as far as I'd gotten.
I kept going, determined to climb as far as I could, whether I made it to the top or not. Then my leg muscles began to shake. Sweat was literally dripping off my face and I could not catch my breath. We stopped at the next bench we came to (There were 5 benches I think.) and my hands were shaking so badly and I was crying and gasping for air. It was aweful (honesty is everything, right?) I took a small break and kept going. It ws a very long trip. There were times I did not think I would make it to the top. There were times I did not think I had it in me. But I kept going. I had to stop often and let people go pass me because I was moving so slowly. There were times that I literally had no energy and did not know how I would climb another step. There were times that I had to climb on all fours, using my hands and feet to pull myself up over rocks. The closer you get to the top, the harder it is to climb (and the tireder you are). But somehow, God got me to the top of that mountain. I climbed every step on my own. I had friends with me that encouraged me and were there for me, but I took every step necessary to get me to the peak. It's 1.25 miles to the top, a distance I walk every day with no problem, but this was completely different than anything I've ever tried before. I was work. HARD work!
I cannot begin to describe the feeling of taking that final step onto the very peak of that mountain. I began to cry. The victory is indescribeable. Knowing that God had allowed me to accomplish something that had never even been an thought in my mind. Never in my life did I think I would be able to climb a mountain. It took me 2 hours but I did it! It's 2608 feet above sea level, but you have to climb back and forth so much, that the actual walk is much farther that that. I sat on top of the mountain and I wept. For God's goodness, His mercy, His perfect plan. For everything he's done in me to prepare me for that moment. I learned so much on this journey. 6 months ago, God knew I would be here. He began training and preparing; giving me the tools I would need to accomplish the task before me. To do something I'd never imagined.
How much could we actually accomplish if we lived like this? If we totally trusted God and gave Him everything? If we let Him rule in our lives completely? What kind of "beyond imagination" life would we live? One thing I know from all of this - I want to do more for Him. I want to experience more with Him. I want to learn more about Him. I want to give Him everything and watch in awe at what He does with it. AMEN!!
My wonderful hubby made a video of my climb. Check it out. And remember to rely on Him TOTALLY!!! I love all of you and HE DOES TO!!!
I kept going, determined to climb as far as I could, whether I made it to the top or not. Then my leg muscles began to shake. Sweat was literally dripping off my face and I could not catch my breath. We stopped at the next bench we came to (There were 5 benches I think.) and my hands were shaking so badly and I was crying and gasping for air. It was aweful (honesty is everything, right?) I took a small break and kept going. It ws a very long trip. There were times I did not think I would make it to the top. There were times I did not think I had it in me. But I kept going. I had to stop often and let people go pass me because I was moving so slowly. There were times that I literally had no energy and did not know how I would climb another step. There were times that I had to climb on all fours, using my hands and feet to pull myself up over rocks. The closer you get to the top, the harder it is to climb (and the tireder you are). But somehow, God got me to the top of that mountain. I climbed every step on my own. I had friends with me that encouraged me and were there for me, but I took every step necessary to get me to the peak. It's 1.25 miles to the top, a distance I walk every day with no problem, but this was completely different than anything I've ever tried before. I was work. HARD work!
I cannot begin to describe the feeling of taking that final step onto the very peak of that mountain. I began to cry. The victory is indescribeable. Knowing that God had allowed me to accomplish something that had never even been an thought in my mind. Never in my life did I think I would be able to climb a mountain. It took me 2 hours but I did it! It's 2608 feet above sea level, but you have to climb back and forth so much, that the actual walk is much farther that that. I sat on top of the mountain and I wept. For God's goodness, His mercy, His perfect plan. For everything he's done in me to prepare me for that moment. I learned so much on this journey. 6 months ago, God knew I would be here. He began training and preparing; giving me the tools I would need to accomplish the task before me. To do something I'd never imagined.
How much could we actually accomplish if we lived like this? If we totally trusted God and gave Him everything? If we let Him rule in our lives completely? What kind of "beyond imagination" life would we live? One thing I know from all of this - I want to do more for Him. I want to experience more with Him. I want to learn more about Him. I want to give Him everything and watch in awe at what He does with it. AMEN!!
My wonderful hubby made a video of my climb. Check it out. And remember to rely on Him TOTALLY!!! I love all of you and HE DOES TO!!!
Monday, April 5, 2010
It's Probably Gonna Hurt
I jogged today. I've gotten to where I only get to jog/walk on Mondays because it's the only day I can't make it to the gym. So of course I'm not progressing like I was. I figured if I'm still working out I would still get better, but maybe jogging is something you just have to do if you want to be able to do it. Does that even make sense? Last week it was pouring down rain and cold so I didn't go. It's been 2 weeks since I've run anywhere. I forced myself this morning to jog as far as I reached 2 weeks ago. It was hard. Really hard. I thought I was gonna puke hard. But I made it. My breath was back by the time I reached the next place that I run, but my throat was sore from breathing so hard. Anyway, I told myself I could make it to the middle of the road. That's how far I went 2 weeks ago. But in my mind I knew I was trying for the end of the road. I kept going, kept pushing, and I made it to the end. I lifted my arms up and pointed to the sky, "All for You." When I run, I pray. I ask God to strengthen my heart and increase my lung capacity, to strengthen my legs, and to give me the wisdom to push hard enough for growth but not so hard that I injure myself. I ask Him to help me become as healthy as I was created to be so I can honor Him with my body. By the time my walk had ended, I felt amazing - tired, alive, tone, tight, taller, straighter - I knew it was worth pushing through.
Wow. That'll preach. Push hard enough to have growth, but not so hard that we injure ourself. Hmmmmm. If we don't push through, we are not going to notice any real growth. Not physical, not spiritual. I've read that muscles have to be worked to the point of exhaustion before they will rebuild stronger. Is it the same for faith? Do we need to stretch our faith to the limit if we want increased, stronger, more stable faith? Will our walk with God grow if we never push through a little bit of discomfort to grow our spiritual legs? Why do we tend to quit/stop/slow down when things get a little bit irritating? Why do we sit down when we get the least bit out of breath? Sometimes we have to get up early when we're tired, confront a problem directly, study the Bible when we don't feel like it, follow a diet when we don't want to, and push forward when we'd rather quit. Pain isn't always bad. Sometimes it's a sign of growth.
I love working out because God teaches me so much about Himself in all of this. Bottom line, if you want to see change in your health or physical appearance; it's probably gonna hurt. If you want to see real change in your faith or your walk with God, it's probably gonna hurt.
Wow. That'll preach. Push hard enough to have growth, but not so hard that we injure ourself. Hmmmmm. If we don't push through, we are not going to notice any real growth. Not physical, not spiritual. I've read that muscles have to be worked to the point of exhaustion before they will rebuild stronger. Is it the same for faith? Do we need to stretch our faith to the limit if we want increased, stronger, more stable faith? Will our walk with God grow if we never push through a little bit of discomfort to grow our spiritual legs? Why do we tend to quit/stop/slow down when things get a little bit irritating? Why do we sit down when we get the least bit out of breath? Sometimes we have to get up early when we're tired, confront a problem directly, study the Bible when we don't feel like it, follow a diet when we don't want to, and push forward when we'd rather quit. Pain isn't always bad. Sometimes it's a sign of growth.
I love working out because God teaches me so much about Himself in all of this. Bottom line, if you want to see change in your health or physical appearance; it's probably gonna hurt. If you want to see real change in your faith or your walk with God, it's probably gonna hurt.
Sunday, March 28, 2010
Confession
Why is it that when we're doing well, we want everyone to know and when we're failing, we keep it to ourselves? It's been 2 weeks since I've written. I'm always suprised at how fast time goes by, but I know the last week, I've avoided blogging because I want to say something better than what I have to say. However, my husband says it's about my failures as well as my successes so here I am to tell the world that I failed this week.
Wow. Why does that word bring a feeling of shame? Let me rephrase that - I don't believe that we ever really fail if we keep our walk in Jesus because "we know that all things work together for good to those who love God, to those who are the called according to His purpose." I have not failed because here I am to write about it and learn from it. A more accurate statement would be that I have struggled greatly the past 2 weeks and had almost given up the last couple of days.
2 weeks ago I was doing okay with my eating. I had increased my calories somewhat and when I would go over, I simply stopped writing in my food journal. Last weekend we had an event to do, so I was out all day and gave in to the urge to eat mall food - not low in calories or high in nutrition! But I shared with a friend my struggle and how I was needing accounatability to get through this time in my journey. That friend offered to be my accountability. They are very disciplined in what they eat and we made an agreement that I would show him my food journal on Fridays. But by Sunday I was standing at the fridge eating, with something in the microwave and looking for something else - OLD behavior. So I threw away all the bad or tempting food I found and prepared to get back on track. This week started much better. In fact, I had a great week for the most part - I fit in cardio every day, I strength trained Tuesday and Thursday, I kept my food journal. But I'm struggling to bring my eating back to the guidelines I had before. I went over on my calories a little Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday. Thursday we had a mandatory meeting at work that didn't end til after 9 p.m. We were hungry and pizza is my weekness. As soon as my hubby suggested it, it stuck in my head. I ate my whole days calories at dinner that night. Friday I did great and decided to cut back daily intake to make up for the pizza. But then I didn't measure dinner so I probly went over again.
But Saturday is when my trouble began. I was up early and tired when I got home. The desire to eat was so strong that I didn't even try to fight it. I was in a fashion show at Fashion Bug. I guess since it's a large size store they treat models different - they had breadsticks, ziti, zmoothies, etc. I told myself over and over before I went that I would maintain. In fact, the last one I was at, I didn't eat ANYTHING the entire time. This time was not so good. And when I came home I kept eating - most of the day I ate. I hated what I was doing. Finally I came clean with my husband and told him EVERYTHING I had eaten and all my behaviors. I've never been completely honest like that before. I wanted him to be aware of what was happening. I don't want to go backwards and I don't want to disappoint him either.
Today we had a dinner at church - I honestly dread things like that because it's so hard to keep control with people pushing you to eat more, more, more. Today ended up like yesterday. And then I reached a point where I just cried out to God. The thoughts kept saying wait til tomorrow, but I couldn't wait anymore. The bible talks about a empty house and 7 more returning with the one that left. I know people have different opinions on deliverance, but I personally have felt freedom in my eating and how much harder it was to resist when I gave in the to temptations. I have felt 7 times stronger and I never want to be there again. So I cried out to God to help me. I don't want to desire food. I want to only eat when I need food. My first thought on bloggin was to wait until tomorrow when I have positive things to say, but James 5:16 says "Therefore confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed. The prayer of a righteous man is powerful and effective."
So here I am confessing that I need prayer. Confessing my struggles, my downfalls, and my desires. Making myself accounatble to others. I'm not giving up, I'm reaching out. I was flipping through TV the other day and caught a portion of Pulp Fiction. Samuel Jackson and John Travolta were in an apartment dealing with 3 guys for something. Samuel Jackson picks up this guys fast food burger and says he's always wanted to try this restaurant. He takes a bite and offers it to John Travolta who says, "I'm not hungry." Most people think nothing of that, but to me it was monumental. THAT's my prayer. That food would not even be the slightest thought unless I was actually hungry! Father, the next time I desire food, let me remember to notice whether or not I'm actually hungry. Amen.
If you're reading this and you have a relationship with the God of Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob - please say I prayer for me.
Wow. Why does that word bring a feeling of shame? Let me rephrase that - I don't believe that we ever really fail if we keep our walk in Jesus because "we know that all things work together for good to those who love God, to those who are the called according to His purpose." I have not failed because here I am to write about it and learn from it. A more accurate statement would be that I have struggled greatly the past 2 weeks and had almost given up the last couple of days.
2 weeks ago I was doing okay with my eating. I had increased my calories somewhat and when I would go over, I simply stopped writing in my food journal. Last weekend we had an event to do, so I was out all day and gave in to the urge to eat mall food - not low in calories or high in nutrition! But I shared with a friend my struggle and how I was needing accounatability to get through this time in my journey. That friend offered to be my accountability. They are very disciplined in what they eat and we made an agreement that I would show him my food journal on Fridays. But by Sunday I was standing at the fridge eating, with something in the microwave and looking for something else - OLD behavior. So I threw away all the bad or tempting food I found and prepared to get back on track. This week started much better. In fact, I had a great week for the most part - I fit in cardio every day, I strength trained Tuesday and Thursday, I kept my food journal. But I'm struggling to bring my eating back to the guidelines I had before. I went over on my calories a little Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday. Thursday we had a mandatory meeting at work that didn't end til after 9 p.m. We were hungry and pizza is my weekness. As soon as my hubby suggested it, it stuck in my head. I ate my whole days calories at dinner that night. Friday I did great and decided to cut back daily intake to make up for the pizza. But then I didn't measure dinner so I probly went over again.
But Saturday is when my trouble began. I was up early and tired when I got home. The desire to eat was so strong that I didn't even try to fight it. I was in a fashion show at Fashion Bug. I guess since it's a large size store they treat models different - they had breadsticks, ziti, zmoothies, etc. I told myself over and over before I went that I would maintain. In fact, the last one I was at, I didn't eat ANYTHING the entire time. This time was not so good. And when I came home I kept eating - most of the day I ate. I hated what I was doing. Finally I came clean with my husband and told him EVERYTHING I had eaten and all my behaviors. I've never been completely honest like that before. I wanted him to be aware of what was happening. I don't want to go backwards and I don't want to disappoint him either.
Today we had a dinner at church - I honestly dread things like that because it's so hard to keep control with people pushing you to eat more, more, more. Today ended up like yesterday. And then I reached a point where I just cried out to God. The thoughts kept saying wait til tomorrow, but I couldn't wait anymore. The bible talks about a empty house and 7 more returning with the one that left. I know people have different opinions on deliverance, but I personally have felt freedom in my eating and how much harder it was to resist when I gave in the to temptations. I have felt 7 times stronger and I never want to be there again. So I cried out to God to help me. I don't want to desire food. I want to only eat when I need food. My first thought on bloggin was to wait until tomorrow when I have positive things to say, but James 5:16 says "Therefore confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed. The prayer of a righteous man is powerful and effective."
So here I am confessing that I need prayer. Confessing my struggles, my downfalls, and my desires. Making myself accounatble to others. I'm not giving up, I'm reaching out. I was flipping through TV the other day and caught a portion of Pulp Fiction. Samuel Jackson and John Travolta were in an apartment dealing with 3 guys for something. Samuel Jackson picks up this guys fast food burger and says he's always wanted to try this restaurant. He takes a bite and offers it to John Travolta who says, "I'm not hungry." Most people think nothing of that, but to me it was monumental. THAT's my prayer. That food would not even be the slightest thought unless I was actually hungry! Father, the next time I desire food, let me remember to notice whether or not I'm actually hungry. Amen.
If you're reading this and you have a relationship with the God of Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob - please say I prayer for me.
Thursday, March 11, 2010
Rest Creates Growth
"And on the seventh day God ended His work which He had done, and He rested on the seventh day from all His work which He had done." Genesis 2:2
Rest is important. In fact, the Bible instructs us to take a day off every week to rest. Did you know that professional trainers recommend resting from workouts also? I love when the world lines up with the Word! My PT (personal trainer) recommends a week off every 4 months. I did some internet searching and others recommend as much as a week of every 2 - 3 months. Whether you take your break after 2, 3, or 4 months - most people agree you rest for 7 days; no weight or strength training of any kind. 7 days of rest! At first I was bummed. I'm a go, go, go person; sitting still is hard for me and after 4 months of training and seeing change, the last thing I wanted to do was quit for a week. But this is what I learned. . .
7 days of rest allows your joints and muscles to heal and relax from the regular demands of workouts. This helps reduce inflammation and puts your body into a refreshed state. Everybody reaches a place in training where the progress begins to slow down. Taking a week off can actually help stimulate progress. 7 days is not long enough to lose muscle mass, but it is long enough to make your muscles think this is a new way of doing things. Then, the next time you workout, the muscles get basically a shock and jump to attention. Thus, increased progress once again. Your muscles will respond faster after a break; giving you a greater output than someone who does not take a break. Less is More!! I am NOT a certified trainer or a medical professional, so this is simply my attempt at explaining things the way I understand them.
Why wouldn't this make sense? We are refreshed to go back to work after a week off, we are refreshed to start our week after a day off. Our bodies need rest. Our minds, emotions, muscles - all of us - NEED REST. It is strange not working out. I've decided to cut way back on cardio for the week too - I want my joints and muscles to really have this opportunity to heal completely. I'm enjoying my break, but I'm excited about jumping back in at the end of the week.
Rest is important. In fact, the Bible instructs us to take a day off every week to rest. Did you know that professional trainers recommend resting from workouts also? I love when the world lines up with the Word! My PT (personal trainer) recommends a week off every 4 months. I did some internet searching and others recommend as much as a week of every 2 - 3 months. Whether you take your break after 2, 3, or 4 months - most people agree you rest for 7 days; no weight or strength training of any kind. 7 days of rest! At first I was bummed. I'm a go, go, go person; sitting still is hard for me and after 4 months of training and seeing change, the last thing I wanted to do was quit for a week. But this is what I learned. . .
7 days of rest allows your joints and muscles to heal and relax from the regular demands of workouts. This helps reduce inflammation and puts your body into a refreshed state. Everybody reaches a place in training where the progress begins to slow down. Taking a week off can actually help stimulate progress. 7 days is not long enough to lose muscle mass, but it is long enough to make your muscles think this is a new way of doing things. Then, the next time you workout, the muscles get basically a shock and jump to attention. Thus, increased progress once again. Your muscles will respond faster after a break; giving you a greater output than someone who does not take a break. Less is More!! I am NOT a certified trainer or a medical professional, so this is simply my attempt at explaining things the way I understand them.
Why wouldn't this make sense? We are refreshed to go back to work after a week off, we are refreshed to start our week after a day off. Our bodies need rest. Our minds, emotions, muscles - all of us - NEED REST. It is strange not working out. I've decided to cut way back on cardio for the week too - I want my joints and muscles to really have this opportunity to heal completely. I'm enjoying my break, but I'm excited about jumping back in at the end of the week.
Friday, March 5, 2010
Whatever it Takes
There's a verse in proverbs that says "Pride goeth before destruction, a haughty spirit before a fall." I'm convinced that God helps me to never become prideful by allowing me to be humbled regularly. This is a big step for someone who has always been so concerned about what other people think. Embarassing things happen to me often. I've learned how to laugh at myself and thank Him for keeping me humble. There's not much chance of me becoming prideful when I keep doing such goofy things.
So of course I've said all this to share my latest experience. The problem is, I seem to have completely forgotten what it was I had planned to share. So now what? Seems like a pretty pointless message without a humorous story to complete it.
I can tell you this. The extended cold weather this year has effected my ability to dress with dignity. I go to the gym Wed - Sat. When it's cold out, our car sometimes won't start. To make it to class on time, I have to take my husbands scooter (mop-ed). Thursdays he takes the car out of town so I HAVE to take the scooter. Going down the road on a bike at 30 miles an hour in the wind is more than cold, it's absolutely painful.
So here's my routine: Wear spandex underneath sweatpants and a long sleeve shirt over my workout tops (I usually layer at least 2 tops to workout). If it's really cold I put jeans on over my sweats (my jeans are big enough to do that now!!) ; ) Then I have this huge winter coat I put on, wrap a 10 foot hot pink scarf around my nose/ mouth/ throat, put the hood up on my coat and tie that around my face, and add 2 pairs of cloth gloves. Do you know, by the time I get there, my fingers, legs, face, arms, and toes are so cold they hurt even with all the above?! So, basically by the time I'm done, I look like I have not lost any weight - I look hilarious with out the bright yellow scooter!!
I guess that's humbling enough for now. I got laughed at several times by various friends yesterday. I don't care. I guess that's dedication. Whatever it takes to move forward - pressing on toward the prize.
So of course I've said all this to share my latest experience. The problem is, I seem to have completely forgotten what it was I had planned to share. So now what? Seems like a pretty pointless message without a humorous story to complete it.
I can tell you this. The extended cold weather this year has effected my ability to dress with dignity. I go to the gym Wed - Sat. When it's cold out, our car sometimes won't start. To make it to class on time, I have to take my husbands scooter (mop-ed). Thursdays he takes the car out of town so I HAVE to take the scooter. Going down the road on a bike at 30 miles an hour in the wind is more than cold, it's absolutely painful.
So here's my routine: Wear spandex underneath sweatpants and a long sleeve shirt over my workout tops (I usually layer at least 2 tops to workout). If it's really cold I put jeans on over my sweats (my jeans are big enough to do that now!!) ; ) Then I have this huge winter coat I put on, wrap a 10 foot hot pink scarf around my nose/ mouth/ throat, put the hood up on my coat and tie that around my face, and add 2 pairs of cloth gloves. Do you know, by the time I get there, my fingers, legs, face, arms, and toes are so cold they hurt even with all the above?! So, basically by the time I'm done, I look like I have not lost any weight - I look hilarious with out the bright yellow scooter!!
I guess that's humbling enough for now. I got laughed at several times by various friends yesterday. I don't care. I guess that's dedication. Whatever it takes to move forward - pressing on toward the prize.
Wednesday, March 3, 2010
Ups and Downs, Pressing Through
So many things have run through my head in the last week. Not sure what to even focus on right now. I have experienced great victories and failures all in 1 week. There are days that I fail, days that I seem to have no willpower whatsoever and other days when I feel like I'm on top and programmed to win. So once again, the message seems to be; NEVER GIVE UP!
Examples: Thursday is my day to do laps and then workout at the gym. It seems that I forget something every time I go and there's the perfect excuse to quit! I'm learning to laugh at myself and the stuff that happens to me. I'm learning to not allow the little things to stop me from reaching my goal. So, on Thursday I swam 10 laps and changed to workout and realized I did not bring any gym pants!! Ever try exercising in heavy jeans? Well, I pressed through and did it. Wasn't that bad. It always feels good to overcome. Friday I had a great time in the 2 classes I take. My Tai Chi instructor asked what I do as an occupation because he is amazed at how fast I pick it up. YEAH!! Just think, one week before I was terrified to even step foot in the room! You just never know what you're capable of until you try. Saturday I have personal training at the gym. So I had a few great days. And then I went out of town. I dislike traveling because I want to eat all the time. I haven't figured out why - maybe it's boredom. Bottom line - I blew my diet Monday & Tuesday. I really felt it in my Tuesday night workout - just had no drive to do anything. That's why it's SO important to have some type of support and accountability when you try to make change in your life.
I admit it, sometimes I feel like giving up. Sometimes I want to give in to every food desire I have and eat until I throw up (or pass out). Think of me what you will, it's the truth. What matters is I haven't gone there. I've messed up at times but I haven't given up. I've now lost 71 pounds in 5 months and 81 pounds in the last year. That is amazing to me. There is no way that I ever could have accomplished this without God. If He be for me who can be against me? God is for you. You CAN do EVERYTHING HIS Word says you can do. INCLUDING honoring Him with your body. I still have over 100 pounds to lose. But I'm no longer looking at what I haven't done, I'm rejoicing in every little step that has been accomplished.
Learn from your mistakes. Be aware of old behaviors trying to sneak up on you. Don't allow one day to turn into another and then another. Remind yourself of what you've accomplished - or if you're just starting out, remind yourself of why you've decided to do this. You are important. You are valuable. You are worth it.
Examples: Thursday is my day to do laps and then workout at the gym. It seems that I forget something every time I go and there's the perfect excuse to quit! I'm learning to laugh at myself and the stuff that happens to me. I'm learning to not allow the little things to stop me from reaching my goal. So, on Thursday I swam 10 laps and changed to workout and realized I did not bring any gym pants!! Ever try exercising in heavy jeans? Well, I pressed through and did it. Wasn't that bad. It always feels good to overcome. Friday I had a great time in the 2 classes I take. My Tai Chi instructor asked what I do as an occupation because he is amazed at how fast I pick it up. YEAH!! Just think, one week before I was terrified to even step foot in the room! You just never know what you're capable of until you try. Saturday I have personal training at the gym. So I had a few great days. And then I went out of town. I dislike traveling because I want to eat all the time. I haven't figured out why - maybe it's boredom. Bottom line - I blew my diet Monday & Tuesday. I really felt it in my Tuesday night workout - just had no drive to do anything. That's why it's SO important to have some type of support and accountability when you try to make change in your life.
I admit it, sometimes I feel like giving up. Sometimes I want to give in to every food desire I have and eat until I throw up (or pass out). Think of me what you will, it's the truth. What matters is I haven't gone there. I've messed up at times but I haven't given up. I've now lost 71 pounds in 5 months and 81 pounds in the last year. That is amazing to me. There is no way that I ever could have accomplished this without God. If He be for me who can be against me? God is for you. You CAN do EVERYTHING HIS Word says you can do. INCLUDING honoring Him with your body. I still have over 100 pounds to lose. But I'm no longer looking at what I haven't done, I'm rejoicing in every little step that has been accomplished.
Learn from your mistakes. Be aware of old behaviors trying to sneak up on you. Don't allow one day to turn into another and then another. Remind yourself of what you've accomplished - or if you're just starting out, remind yourself of why you've decided to do this. You are important. You are valuable. You are worth it.
Wednesday, February 24, 2010
Second day of classes
The last couple days have been great. Had an awesome workout last night. Tuesday nights I meet my PT (personal trainer) for a one on one training session and cardio. We've started doing alot of kickboxing moves for cardio and I Love It!! Last night we started walking kicks and punches. It was hard, but I really like it. One of the things that is so great about my trainer is that he changes it up often. I rarely do the same thing 2 weeks in a row. On Saturday's we meet at the gym and that is a little more routine, but Tuesdays are awesome! I could really see how much progress I've made compared to where I was 5 months ago, and how it's helping me go even further.
Today I headed back to the Y for my second try at Tai Chi and Nia. Both were improvements from Friday. The Tai Chi instructor said I'm a natural and I had several comments on how accurately I was able to do some of the movements. I don't think I'm that good - I was just copying what the teacher did. When it was time for me to do it alone I messed up a lot. But I'm learning that most people are very encouraging when you're making an effort. I haven't gotten any negative responses yet from anyone. And hopefully I'm at a place now where I really don't care. I know that I want this. And I know that I will improve. So eventually people will notice a difference.
Nia was fun to. It's very easy to adapt to your level, but I have to be careful that I don't take it too easy! I pushed myself a little more today as I became comfortable with some of the moves. Definitely was able to work up a sweat today in that class!
I finished today with 20 minutes on the bike. That was kinda boring since I didn't have music or headphones or anything with me, but I did it. Then I headed home to enjoy my one day off.
Today I headed back to the Y for my second try at Tai Chi and Nia. Both were improvements from Friday. The Tai Chi instructor said I'm a natural and I had several comments on how accurately I was able to do some of the movements. I don't think I'm that good - I was just copying what the teacher did. When it was time for me to do it alone I messed up a lot. But I'm learning that most people are very encouraging when you're making an effort. I haven't gotten any negative responses yet from anyone. And hopefully I'm at a place now where I really don't care. I know that I want this. And I know that I will improve. So eventually people will notice a difference.
Nia was fun to. It's very easy to adapt to your level, but I have to be careful that I don't take it too easy! I pushed myself a little more today as I became comfortable with some of the moves. Definitely was able to work up a sweat today in that class!
I finished today with 20 minutes on the bike. That was kinda boring since I didn't have music or headphones or anything with me, but I did it. Then I headed home to enjoy my one day off.
Monday, February 22, 2010
I Believe in You
"The Lord delights in those who fear Him, who put their hope in His unfailing love. Psalm 147:11"
Finally! The weather was warm enough for me to get back outside. AND I actually got myself out of bed in time! So this morning I headed back outside to walk the 1.7 mile trail that I started a few months ago. I haven't been real faithful on my cardio and I know it's so important, so off I went. Normally I walk about a block to warm up and then I'll jog until I'm out of breath (I've worked up to approx. 2 blocks!) but today I just didn't feel like jogging. I have achilles tendonitis & bursitis in one heal and it hurts to walk until I've gone quite a ways. So I decided to walk faster. About half way through my walk, there is a long street that I usually jog 1/2 of. The last time I was out (atleast 3 weeks ago) I was finally able to jog all the way to the end. Today, I decided that I would walk to that street and jog to the end. So I started out with good intentions. Then I got tired. I started thinking that I have gone backwards from not keeping up, and there was just no way I could make it to the end of the street this morning. I started looking for the halfway point but the car that has been parked there for 4 months is no gone. Then a garbage truck passed me. And one of the guys on the back gave me a thumbs up. And I was encouraged to try harder. So I kept going. they stopped to pick up stuff and when I passed them he stopped and said, "I need to do it to. Good for you." And I was encouraged to try harder. I made it to the end of the road and I turned the corner and of course I didn't want to quit in front of someone who had just encouraged me, so I began to wish they would go away. They turned a corner and I was finally free. Then I noticed the stop sign ahead of me. It didn't seem that far away. I pushed myself to reach that stop sign. Not because anyone was watching, but because one little thumbs up had encouraged me enough to push myself farther than I've ever gone. It was hard - very hard. But I did it. And it felt great.
Then I began to think. I have worked for people who believe encouraging their staff leads to pride and arrogance. I have heard ministers say that we work for the Lord and if we need encouragement then we're doing it for the wrong reasons. I have to disagree. Encouragement helps us try harder and go farther. It tells us that we're not in the fight alone; that others believe in us. It helps us believe in ourselves. Encouragement helped me reach a goal today that I didn't think I could make.
But what about those times when no one's around to encourage us? Did you know that God is your biggest cheerleader? This morning I began to hear His encouragement. "You're not alone. I'm with you. I've been with you every step. You can do this. I know you can do this. I created you to do this. I created your muscles to grow stronger as you work them. I created your body to heal itself. I created your cells to regenerate. I believe in you." WOW! God is there, every step, cheering us on. Now can I just remember that I have the greatest encourager of all time with me everywhere I go? If we truly get this, won't we be willing to strive for improvement daily? To be the absolute best we can be? I don't want to quit while He's watching - and He's ALWAYS watching.
So let me encourage you. Wherever you are, whatever you're facing, don't give up. You are capable of so much more than you know. God's got a great plan for your life. He believes in you and He loves you. I do to.
Finally! The weather was warm enough for me to get back outside. AND I actually got myself out of bed in time! So this morning I headed back outside to walk the 1.7 mile trail that I started a few months ago. I haven't been real faithful on my cardio and I know it's so important, so off I went. Normally I walk about a block to warm up and then I'll jog until I'm out of breath (I've worked up to approx. 2 blocks!) but today I just didn't feel like jogging. I have achilles tendonitis & bursitis in one heal and it hurts to walk until I've gone quite a ways. So I decided to walk faster. About half way through my walk, there is a long street that I usually jog 1/2 of. The last time I was out (atleast 3 weeks ago) I was finally able to jog all the way to the end. Today, I decided that I would walk to that street and jog to the end. So I started out with good intentions. Then I got tired. I started thinking that I have gone backwards from not keeping up, and there was just no way I could make it to the end of the street this morning. I started looking for the halfway point but the car that has been parked there for 4 months is no gone. Then a garbage truck passed me. And one of the guys on the back gave me a thumbs up. And I was encouraged to try harder. So I kept going. they stopped to pick up stuff and when I passed them he stopped and said, "I need to do it to. Good for you." And I was encouraged to try harder. I made it to the end of the road and I turned the corner and of course I didn't want to quit in front of someone who had just encouraged me, so I began to wish they would go away. They turned a corner and I was finally free. Then I noticed the stop sign ahead of me. It didn't seem that far away. I pushed myself to reach that stop sign. Not because anyone was watching, but because one little thumbs up had encouraged me enough to push myself farther than I've ever gone. It was hard - very hard. But I did it. And it felt great.
Then I began to think. I have worked for people who believe encouraging their staff leads to pride and arrogance. I have heard ministers say that we work for the Lord and if we need encouragement then we're doing it for the wrong reasons. I have to disagree. Encouragement helps us try harder and go farther. It tells us that we're not in the fight alone; that others believe in us. It helps us believe in ourselves. Encouragement helped me reach a goal today that I didn't think I could make.
But what about those times when no one's around to encourage us? Did you know that God is your biggest cheerleader? This morning I began to hear His encouragement. "You're not alone. I'm with you. I've been with you every step. You can do this. I know you can do this. I created you to do this. I created your muscles to grow stronger as you work them. I created your body to heal itself. I created your cells to regenerate. I believe in you." WOW! God is there, every step, cheering us on. Now can I just remember that I have the greatest encourager of all time with me everywhere I go? If we truly get this, won't we be willing to strive for improvement daily? To be the absolute best we can be? I don't want to quit while He's watching - and He's ALWAYS watching.
So let me encourage you. Wherever you are, whatever you're facing, don't give up. You are capable of so much more than you know. God's got a great plan for your life. He believes in you and He loves you. I do to.
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