Thursday, June 10, 2010

Somebody Say BREAKTHROUGH!!

Psalm 30:5 For his anger lasts only a moment,but his favor lasts a lifetime!Weeping may last through the night,but joy comes with the morning.

God is so incredibly good. I got up this morning still feeling the same way. No desire to workout, no discipline to eat right; just excuse after excuse. Our air conditioner stopped working last night and I thought, "That is a good reason to stay home this morning - I need to wait for the repair man." Even though he hasn't even returned my call yet. And I would think that sane people would prefer an air conditioned gym and heated pool over a house in Florida with no air in June, but then, no one has ever accused me of being sane!

So there's my excuse. I text my trainer that I don't know if I can train today and I head to the kitchen for breakfast. Not finding anything appeasing, I decide to make pancakes (comfort food????). I of course burnt it and could only eat about half after cutting away the yuck. So the old mindset hits and I decide, yeah, I'm just gonna eat and I headed back to the kitchen to make more. In case you don't know, pancakes are one of the worst foods you can pick - full of sugar and calories and not much healthy stuff at all. Too many will make me need a nap.

So I'm in the kitchen and I remember the mountain video and the work it took to get me there and I begin to cry. (If you haven't seen the video it's on my blog about 3 stories before this one.) I came out of that kitchen crying out to God that I can not go backwards. I never want to be 300 pounds again. Or 340, or 320 or even 270. I want to honor Him with my body and I want my husband to be proud of me; not disappointed. I cried out for help. And then my trainer called. Said he was busy and we could cancel - it was up to me. I told him I NEED to go forward.

So here I am. I did not overeat, and I'm about to head out the door to the gym. The air conditioner will have to wait. I have to take care of me. This battle needs to be priority in my life. God heard my cries and he met me in my time of need. He always does. Last nights sorrow/shame/fear has become this mornings joy. He'll turn it around.

How does anyone make it without Jesus in their life? That question is beyond me.

Wednesday, June 9, 2010

Complete honesty

Total honesty, right? That's how I roll. That's how I want to help people, by being completely honest. But it's easier to be honest after you've made it through the struggle and succeeded - who wants to admit when they're in the middle and not sure if they'll make it out. But that's what I've committed to do. I am struggling right now. I have been for over a month now. That's dangerous. That is not a couple of days or a "once in awhile." It's a regular thing that's been going on for about 5 weeks now - that's like relapse for addicts.
It's a scary thing, because HONESTLY, I'm afraid I won't make it back on track. I'm afraid that I'm stuck and I'm going to slide back down this hill that I've been climbing. I've been able to slide for the last month because people still think I look different, but I know I allowed some compromise and now I feel like I can't get back on track. Every day I get up determined to eat right and by afternoon I'm ignoring that voice that says to stop. Every night I tell myself I'll go running and every morning I find a reason not to. I know that if I stay like this, I will eventually end up back where I was. I never want to go back there again. So why isn't that enough to get me back on track? Why am I stuck in this hole again? Why am I having such a hard time controlling my flesh once again?
I don't know. I fell like I;m getting farther and farther away, but I can't give up. I have to find a way to stop myself from falling; to head back up the mountain. Gotta get my priorities straight.

So that's where I am. Stuck. . .drifting . . .hesitant, but believing that God will be glorified in this situation. He's got me, I just need to hold on.

Monday, May 31, 2010

Compromise is deadly

Have not been on track lately. I knew when I started this journey that compromise is the open door back to the beginning. Compromise is what has ruined my diets every time. You give in a little bit once, and then again, and again, and again and eventually you find yourself back where you started wondering what went wrong and feeling like there is simply no hope and no way out. I realized that this time and I was so careful to listen to my body, my mind, and the holy spirit; to stop when I needed to and be careful to watch my calories.
And then I began to compromise. I stopped writing down what I ate. I started increasing my calories with teh excuse that I was working out more and hungrier. Sometimes I think I was hungry but the point is I was justifying, not really searching for truth. Then we went on vacation and I told myself I would just eat normally while on vacation and get right back on my diet on our trip to Arizona. The problem is I always want to eat when I'm bored. When I have nothing else to do, that's my desire. But I have no excuses; I could have gone for a walk or exercised or something, but I used it as an excuse to blow my diet.
After 2 weeks of vacation, I've found it very hard to get back on track. In fact, last week I reached the point of excessive eating again. So what now?
Now I put things in place to get me back on track. I've prayed and asked God to help me. I confessed to my husband my struggling. I told my trainer I need accountability with my food journal again. While it's hard to break habits and the desire to keep eating is strong, I'm doing pretty good today. And I refuse to give up. I want this too badly.
So, whatever you trying to accomplish in life, remember this: compromise can be deadly.

Wednesday, May 12, 2010

Climbing Mountains - & Video

Alright, I am here to share what I experienced on May 8, 2010 in Phoenix, Arizona. I climbed a mountain. A real, actual, made out of rock mountain formed by glaciers umpteen years ago. Some people (who have never climbed mountains) told me it wouldn't be too hard - it would just be a lot of walking up a trail that would curve gently around to the top. So I thought it would be hard and talk me a while, but I would just take my time and stroll up a hill. A really big hill. SO, the mountain I climbed was Squaw Peak and I did not get very far before I was out of breath. I workout and do cardio regularly, but it is all on pretty flat inclines. I was not prepared for literally 1000's of steps of various sizes. Sure, some areas slope gently and you can just walk, but most of the climb is steps formed by different size rocks. It didn't take long for my thighs to burn and my heart to pound. I was tired when I hit the first marker that said .25 mile! A quarter of a mile?? I jog that in Florida. It's tough, but I do it. I could not believe that was as far as I'd gotten.

I kept going, determined to climb as far as I could, whether I made it to the top or not. Then my leg muscles began to shake. Sweat was literally dripping off my face and I could not catch my breath. We stopped at the next bench we came to (There were 5 benches I think.) and my hands were shaking so badly and I was crying and gasping for air. It was aweful (honesty is everything, right?)  I took a small break and kept going. It ws a very long trip. There were times I did not think I would make it to the top. There were times I did not think I had it in me. But I kept going. I had to stop often and let people go pass me because I was moving so slowly. There were times that I literally had no energy and did not know how I would climb another step. There were times that I had to climb on all fours, using my hands and feet to pull myself up over rocks. The closer you get to the top, the harder it is to climb (and the tireder you are). But somehow, God got me to the top of that mountain. I climbed every step on my own. I had friends with me that encouraged me and were there for me, but I took every step necessary to get me to the peak. It's 1.25 miles to the top, a distance I walk every day with no problem, but this was completely different than anything I've ever tried before. I was work. HARD work!

I cannot begin to describe the feeling of taking that final step onto the very peak of that mountain. I began to cry. The victory is indescribeable. Knowing that God had allowed me to accomplish something that had never even been an thought in my mind. Never in my life did I think I would be able to climb a mountain. It took me 2 hours but I did it! It's 2608 feet above sea level, but you have to climb back and forth so much, that the actual walk is much farther that that. I sat on top of the mountain and I wept. For God's goodness, His mercy, His perfect plan. For everything he's done in me to prepare me for that moment. I learned so much on this journey. 6 months ago, God knew I would be here. He began training and preparing; giving me the tools I would need to accomplish the task before me. To do something I'd never imagined.

How much could we actually accomplish if we lived like this? If we totally trusted God and gave Him everything? If we let Him rule in our lives completely? What kind of "beyond imagination" life would we live? One thing I know from all of this - I want to do more for Him. I want to experience more with Him. I want to learn more about Him. I want to give Him everything and watch in awe at what He does with it. AMEN!!

My wonderful hubby made a video of my climb. Check it out. And remember to rely on Him TOTALLY!!! I love all of you and HE DOES TO!!!

Monday, April 5, 2010

It's Probably Gonna Hurt

I jogged today. I've gotten to where I only get to jog/walk on Mondays because it's the only day I can't make it to the gym. So of course I'm not progressing like I was. I figured if I'm still working out I would still get better, but maybe jogging is something you just have to do if you want to be able to do it. Does that even make sense? Last week it was pouring down rain and cold so I didn't go. It's been 2 weeks since I've run anywhere. I forced myself this morning to jog as far as I reached 2 weeks ago. It was hard. Really hard. I thought I was gonna puke hard. But I made it. My breath was back by the time I reached the next place that I run, but my throat was sore from breathing so hard. Anyway, I told myself I could make it to the middle of the road. That's how far I went 2 weeks ago. But in my mind I knew I was trying for the end of the road. I kept going, kept pushing, and I made it to the end. I lifted my arms up and pointed to the sky, "All for You."  When I run, I pray. I ask God to strengthen my heart and increase my lung capacity, to strengthen my legs, and to give me the wisdom to push hard enough for growth but not so hard that I injure myself. I ask Him to help me become as healthy as I was created to be so I can honor Him with my body. By the time my walk had ended, I felt amazing - tired, alive, tone, tight, taller, straighter - I knew it was worth pushing through.

Wow. That'll preach. Push hard enough to have growth, but not so hard that we injure ourself. Hmmmmm. If we don't push through, we are not going to notice any real growth. Not physical, not spiritual. I've read that muscles have to be worked to the point of exhaustion before they will rebuild stronger. Is it the same for faith? Do we need to stretch our faith to the limit if we want increased, stronger, more stable faith? Will our walk with God grow if we never push through a little bit of discomfort to grow our spiritual legs? Why do we tend to quit/stop/slow down when things get a little bit irritating? Why do we sit down when we get the least bit out of breath? Sometimes we have to get up early when we're tired, confront a problem directly, study the Bible when we don't feel like it, follow a diet when we don't want to, and push forward when we'd rather quit. Pain isn't always bad. Sometimes it's a sign of growth.

I love working out because God teaches me so much about Himself in all of this. Bottom line, if you want to see change in your health or physical appearance; it's probably gonna hurt. If you want to see real change in your faith or your walk with God, it's probably gonna hurt.

Sunday, March 28, 2010

Confession

Why is it that when we're doing well, we want everyone to know and when we're failing, we keep it to ourselves? It's been 2 weeks since I've written. I'm always suprised at how fast time goes by, but I know the last week, I've avoided blogging because I want to say something better than what I have to say. However, my husband says it's about my failures as well as my successes so here I am to tell the world that I failed this week.

Wow. Why does that word bring a feeling of shame? Let me rephrase that - I don't believe that we ever really fail if we keep our walk in Jesus because "we know that all things work together for good to those who love God, to those who are the called according to His purpose." I have not failed because here I am to write about it and learn from it. A more accurate statement would be that I have struggled greatly the past 2 weeks and had almost given up the last couple of days.

2 weeks ago I was doing okay with my eating. I had increased my calories somewhat and when I would go over, I simply stopped writing in my food journal. Last weekend we had an event to do, so I was out all day and gave in to the urge to eat mall food - not low in calories or high in nutrition! But I shared with a friend my struggle and how I was needing accounatability to get through this time in my journey. That friend offered to be my accountability. They are very disciplined in what they eat and we made an agreement that I would show him my food journal on Fridays. But by Sunday I was standing at the fridge eating, with something in the microwave and looking for something else - OLD behavior. So I threw away all the bad or tempting food I found and prepared to get back on track. This week started much better. In fact, I had a great week for the most part - I fit in cardio every day, I strength trained Tuesday and Thursday, I kept my food journal. But I'm struggling to bring my eating back to the guidelines I had before. I went over on my calories a little Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday. Thursday we had a mandatory meeting at work that didn't end til after 9 p.m. We were hungry and pizza is my weekness. As soon as my hubby suggested it, it stuck in my head. I ate my whole days calories at dinner that night. Friday I did great and decided to cut back daily intake to make up for the pizza. But then I didn't measure dinner so I probly went over again.

But Saturday is when my trouble began. I was up early and tired when I got home. The desire to eat was so strong that I didn't even try to fight it. I was in a fashion show at Fashion Bug. I guess since it's a large size store they treat models different - they had breadsticks, ziti, zmoothies, etc. I told myself over and over before I went that I would maintain. In fact, the last one I was at, I didn't eat ANYTHING the entire time. This time was not so good. And when I came home I kept eating - most of the day I ate. I hated what I was doing. Finally I came clean with my husband and told him EVERYTHING I had eaten and all my behaviors. I've never been completely honest like that before. I wanted him to be aware of what was happening. I don't want to go backwards and I don't want to disappoint him either.

Today we had a dinner at church - I honestly dread things like that because it's so hard to keep control with people pushing you to eat more, more, more. Today ended up like yesterday. And then I reached a point where I just cried out to God. The thoughts kept saying wait til tomorrow, but I couldn't wait anymore. The bible talks about a empty house and 7 more returning with the one that left. I know people have different opinions on deliverance, but I personally have felt freedom in my eating and how much harder it was to resist when I gave in the to temptations. I have felt 7 times stronger and I never want to be there again. So I cried out to God to help me. I don't want to desire food. I want to only eat when I need food. My first thought on bloggin was to wait until tomorrow when I have positive things to say, but James 5:16 says "Therefore confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed. The prayer of a righteous man is powerful and effective."

So here I am confessing that I need prayer. Confessing my struggles, my downfalls, and my desires. Making myself accounatble to others. I'm not giving up, I'm reaching out. I was flipping through TV the other day and caught a portion of Pulp Fiction. Samuel Jackson and John Travolta were in an apartment dealing with 3 guys for something. Samuel Jackson picks up this guys fast food burger and says he's always wanted to try this restaurant. He takes a bite and offers it to John Travolta who says, "I'm not hungry." Most people think nothing of that, but to me it was monumental. THAT's my prayer. That food would not even be the slightest thought unless I was actually hungry! Father, the next time I desire food, let me remember to notice whether or not I'm actually hungry. Amen.

If you're reading this and you have a relationship with the God of Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob - please say I prayer for me.

Thursday, March 11, 2010

Rest Creates Growth

"And on the seventh day God ended His work which He had done, and He rested on the seventh day from all His work which He had done." Genesis 2:2

Rest is important. In fact, the Bible instructs us to take a day off every week to rest. Did you know that professional trainers recommend resting from workouts also? I love when the world lines up with the Word! My PT (personal trainer) recommends a week off every 4 months. I did some internet searching and others recommend as much as a week of every 2 - 3 months. Whether you take your break after 2, 3, or 4 months -  most people agree you rest for 7 days; no weight or strength training of any kind. 7 days of rest! At first I was bummed. I'm a go, go, go person; sitting still is hard for me and after 4 months of training and seeing change, the last thing I wanted to do was quit for a week. But this is what I learned. . .

7 days of rest allows your joints and muscles to heal and relax from the regular demands of workouts. This helps reduce inflammation and puts your body into a refreshed state. Everybody reaches a place in training where the progress begins to slow down. Taking a week off can actually help stimulate progress. 7 days is not long enough to lose muscle mass, but it is long enough to make your muscles think this is a new way of doing things. Then, the next time you workout, the muscles get basically a shock and jump to attention. Thus, increased progress once again. Your muscles will respond faster after a break; giving you a greater output than someone who does not take a break. Less is More!! I am NOT a certified trainer or a medical professional, so this is simply my attempt at explaining things the way I understand them.

Why wouldn't this make sense? We are refreshed to go back to work after a week off, we are refreshed to start our week after a day off. Our bodies need rest. Our minds, emotions, muscles - all of us - NEED REST. It is strange not working out. I've decided to cut way back on cardio for the week too - I want my joints and muscles to really have this opportunity to heal completely. I'm enjoying my break, but I'm excited about jumping back in at the end of the week.