Somebody Say BREAKTHROUGH!!

Psalm 30:5 For his anger lasts only a moment,but his favor lasts a lifetime!Weeping may last through the night,but joy comes with the morning.

God is so incredibly good. I got up this morning still feeling the same way. No desire to workout, no discipline to eat right; just excuse after excuse. Our air conditioner stopped working last night and I thought, "That is a good reason to stay home this morning - I need to wait for the repair man." Even though he hasn't even returned my call yet. And I would think that sane people would prefer an air conditioned gym and heated pool over a house in Florida with no air in June, but then, no one has ever accused me of being sane!

So there's my excuse. I text my trainer that I don't know if I can train today and I head to the kitchen for breakfast. Not finding anything appeasing, I decide to make pancakes (comfort food????). I of course burnt it and could only eat about half after cutting away the yuck. So the old mindset hits and I decide, yeah, I'm just gonna eat and I headed back to the kitchen to make more. In case you don't know, pancakes are one of the worst foods you can pick - full of sugar and calories and not much healthy stuff at all. Too many will make me need a nap.

So I'm in the kitchen and I remember the mountain video and the work it took to get me there and I begin to cry. (If you haven't seen the video it's on my blog about 3 stories before this one.) I came out of that kitchen crying out to God that I can not go backwards. I never want to be 300 pounds again. Or 340, or 320 or even 270. I want to honor Him with my body and I want my husband to be proud of me; not disappointed. I cried out for help. And then my trainer called. Said he was busy and we could cancel - it was up to me. I told him I NEED to go forward.

So here I am. I did not overeat, and I'm about to head out the door to the gym. The air conditioner will have to wait. I have to take care of me. This battle needs to be priority in my life. God heard my cries and he met me in my time of need. He always does. Last nights sorrow/shame/fear has become this mornings joy. He'll turn it around.

How does anyone make it without Jesus in their life? That question is beyond me.

Complete honesty

Total honesty, right? That's how I roll. That's how I want to help people, by being completely honest. But it's easier to be honest after you've made it through the struggle and succeeded - who wants to admit when they're in the middle and not sure if they'll make it out. But that's what I've committed to do. I am struggling right now. I have been for over a month now. That's dangerous. That is not a couple of days or a "once in awhile." It's a regular thing that's been going on for about 5 weeks now - that's like relapse for addicts.
It's a scary thing, because HONESTLY, I'm afraid I won't make it back on track. I'm afraid that I'm stuck and I'm going to slide back down this hill that I've been climbing. I've been able to slide for the last month because people still think I look different, but I know I allowed some compromise and now I feel like I can't get back on track. Every day I get up determined to eat right and by afternoon I'm ignoring that voice that says to stop. Every night I tell myself I'll go running and every morning I find a reason not to. I know that if I stay like this, I will eventually end up back where I was. I never want to go back there again. So why isn't that enough to get me back on track? Why am I stuck in this hole again? Why am I having such a hard time controlling my flesh once again?
I don't know. I fell like I;m getting farther and farther away, but I can't give up. I have to find a way to stop myself from falling; to head back up the mountain. Gotta get my priorities straight.

So that's where I am. Stuck. . .drifting . . .hesitant, but believing that God will be glorified in this situation. He's got me, I just need to hold on.