Complete honesty

Total honesty, right? That's how I roll. That's how I want to help people, by being completely honest. But it's easier to be honest after you've made it through the struggle and succeeded - who wants to admit when they're in the middle and not sure if they'll make it out. But that's what I've committed to do. I am struggling right now. I have been for over a month now. That's dangerous. That is not a couple of days or a "once in awhile." It's a regular thing that's been going on for about 5 weeks now - that's like relapse for addicts.
It's a scary thing, because HONESTLY, I'm afraid I won't make it back on track. I'm afraid that I'm stuck and I'm going to slide back down this hill that I've been climbing. I've been able to slide for the last month because people still think I look different, but I know I allowed some compromise and now I feel like I can't get back on track. Every day I get up determined to eat right and by afternoon I'm ignoring that voice that says to stop. Every night I tell myself I'll go running and every morning I find a reason not to. I know that if I stay like this, I will eventually end up back where I was. I never want to go back there again. So why isn't that enough to get me back on track? Why am I stuck in this hole again? Why am I having such a hard time controlling my flesh once again?
I don't know. I fell like I;m getting farther and farther away, but I can't give up. I have to find a way to stop myself from falling; to head back up the mountain. Gotta get my priorities straight.

So that's where I am. Stuck. . .drifting . . .hesitant, but believing that God will be glorified in this situation. He's got me, I just need to hold on.

Ups and Downs, Pressing Through

So many things have run through my head in the last week. Not sure what to even focus on right now. I have experienced great victories and failures all in 1 week. There are days that I fail, days that I seem to have no willpower whatsoever and other days when I feel like I'm on top and programmed to win. So once again, the message seems to be; NEVER GIVE UP!

Examples: Thursday is my day to do laps and then workout at the gym. It seems that I forget something every time I go and there's the perfect excuse to quit! I'm learning to laugh at myself and the stuff that happens to me. I'm learning to not allow the little things to stop me from reaching my goal. So, on Thursday I swam 10 laps and changed to workout and realized I did not bring any gym pants!! Ever try exercising in heavy jeans? Well, I pressed through and did it. Wasn't that bad. It always feels good to overcome. Friday I had a great time in the 2 classes I take. My Tai Chi instructor asked what I do as an occupation because he is amazed at how fast I pick it up. YEAH!! Just think, one week before I was terrified to even step foot in the room! You just never know what you're capable of until you try. Saturday I have personal training at the gym. So I had a few great days. And then I went out of town. I dislike traveling because I want to eat all the time. I haven't figured out why - maybe it's boredom. Bottom line - I blew my diet Monday & Tuesday. I really felt it in my Tuesday night workout - just had no drive to do anything. That's why it's SO important to have some type of support and accountability when you try to make change in your life.

I admit it, sometimes I feel like giving up. Sometimes I want to give in to every food desire I have and eat until I throw up (or pass out). Think of me what you will, it's the truth. What matters is I haven't gone there. I've messed up at times but I haven't given up. I've now lost 71 pounds in 5 months and 81 pounds in the last year. That is amazing to me. There is no way that I ever could have accomplished this without God. If He be for me who can be against me? God is for you. You CAN do EVERYTHING HIS Word says you can do. INCLUDING honoring Him with your body. I still have over 100 pounds to lose. But I'm no longer looking at what I haven't done, I'm rejoicing in every little step that has been accomplished.

Learn from your mistakes. Be aware of old behaviors trying to sneak up on you. Don't allow one day to turn into another and then another. Remind yourself of what you've accomplished - or if you're just starting out, remind yourself of why you've decided to do this. You are important. You are valuable. You are worth it.

Break the Ice

I did it! I did it!!! I FINALLY broke the ice! I stepped foot into a gym! I have had a membership for over a year now and have NEVER gone - not even once, not even to the pool or to watch someone else, or ANYTHING. I have strengthened suring the 3 months I've been working out and I know that and I have more confidence, but I still way almost 300 pounds.  That's a lot for a girl and it's enough to make me feel unworthy to be at a gym. But I know fear is irrational and I've been wanting to overcome so that I can have more opportunities to learn and grow.

So, I worked out yesterday with my trainer instead of Saturday because I will be busy this weekend.  We don't really have a space on weekdays where we can train, so we went to the YMCA. I called ahead and explained my insecurities and asked if my friend could help me set up a routine and show me what to do and they were fine with that.  As soon as I made the arrangements my stomach started knotting up and I got nervous and did not want to go.  But I did it anyway.  It really wasn't bad.  At 2 in the afternoon there are not a lot of people there.  There machines are pretty easy to use. (Although I probably don't remember what was what!) Just felt good to be in a gym. I'm excited about getting to go more often now and exploring new machinery! One of these days I'll get brave enough to try a cardio class!! ;)

I have a full weekend ahead of me but am looking forward to getting some intimate time with God.  I need it right now.  Please let me encourage you that wherever you are, whatever shape your in, don't give up.  Find small things to get started.  E-mail me if you need ideas.  Do something everyday that's good for you.  In time, you WILL see a difference.  Above all else, pray always for God's strength to enable you to honor Him with your body.

Perfect Strength

My trainer cancelled today; said he wasn't feeling well.  It was strange having Saturday off.  This was the first Saturday we haven't met since I started working out.  I've not been motivated this week at all so I was really needing this workout.  Of course I didn't take the motivation to work out on my own.  My husband came through today.  He walked over a mile with me.  We jogged one street of our walk.  That was cool.  I need to remember how thrilling it feels when I jog farther than I have ever before.  That's what gets me back out there.  I've been so off track this week.  I walked 2 miles Thursday and worked out super hard with my trainer Tuesday night.  That was about it for the entire week!  Getting refocused.  I wish I had accountability to get me to the YMCA.  I have a membership, just haven't been able to push past the self conscious fear to try something new.  I really should.  It's just hard to do new things by yourself sometimes.  Plus I'm not sure if I'm ready for group stuff - what if I can't keep up with anyone else yet?  But it's not about them, it's about me.  I need to keep going for myself.  Easier said than done.

Spent some time praying last night and today.  I've realized lately that I haven't been relying on God as much as I was before.  That's a dangerous place to be - old thought patterns quickly try to sneak back in.  "Don't count calories today, just eat what you want, finish your meal even though your not hungry, don't throw that away, yada yada yada.  It can be very easy to slip back into those patterns.  The ONLY way I have found to maintain my freedom is to run to God.  To hide behind Him, to rely on His perfect strength.  Already I feel stronger.  It works.  Tonight I wanted to eat extra.  I've been praying, "God, be my perfect strength." It's working.  Here I am - not at the fridge.  His strength is made perfect in my weakness." Thank you Jesus!

Little Things Matter

I am learning to find little ways to increase my activity and raise my self esteem.  As hard as it is to spend time on myself, I must admit that I feel good when I do good things for me.  I have to remember these things when I feel down.  I'm realizing there are little things I can do to make a difference.  For example, I walk to work a few times during the week.  I throw (or gently place!) my laptop in a backpack, add my lunch, water, snacks, and any paperwork I need.  Squeeze in a cute pair of shoes and I'm out the door.  Today I started down the road and thought, "This backpack is kinda heavy; maybe I should just drive."  Then I remembered that I've recently lost 40 pounds and my backpack is much less than that so I can handle this!  As I walked the 15 minute journey to the office, I remembered the first time I took this trip.  About a year ago, I walked it one time with my daughter.  I had not even made it half way before my back was hurting and I was exhausted.  Now I can walk the whole thing.  Sometimes I walk home to!!  I am blessed with an awesome husband that picks me up when I don't want to make the return trip, but thed important thing is to find little things that will increase your dailt activity.  Here are some of the changes I've made:

I park at the end of the parking lot at Wal Mart.  No more circling around looking for close spots.  (This is probably faster anyway!!)  Sometimes I will jog to the entrance to for some added exercise.  I try to walk faster while I'm in the store.  I work on holding my stomach muscles and core tight while I'm at work.  Even though I sit most of the time, I can add to my health my squeezing those muscles!  I take the stairs instead of the elevator.  I know, I know, we've heard that before, but it works!  Not long ago, I could not walk up one flight of stairs without being extremely out of breath.  Now I make it up with no problem.  And I'm still considered morbidly obese!!  Trust me, your heart will respond to any attempts to strengthen it - regardless of how big you are.  Now PLEASE if you have health problems - seek the advise of a doctor or get their opinion on anything I tell you - just to be safe.  So, if you get up one flight of stairs and need to use the bathroom (to hide while you catch your breath so no one will see how bad it is!) just remember this.  Everytime you do that, every time you push through - you are stepping closer to the day when you will make that climb and still be able to breathe normally!  And you will be shouting on the inside when you realize it has happened!

So what small differences have you made to increase your activity?  Share your ideas . . .

Rambling Thoughts

How do 2 weeks go by without me writing?!  I feel like it's  only been a few days!!  I will def try to get better about this.  I'm always thinking of things I would like to share, and then don't seem to get them here.  It's like I write them in my head but not down on the comp.  Anyways, I'm still plugging along.  I have made it 90 days now and I've lost over 40 pounds.  I know that is a lot, and I'm incredibly grateful, but it is starting to come off slower and I'm getting frustrated.  I don't want to give up - I don't want to ever go back to what I was, but I almost want people to stop making a big deal about it.  Don't get me wrong, part of me loves attention. (Total honesty, right?) Knowing people are watching helps me keep working.  But another part of me wants to stop working so hard and just settle for how far I've gotten - just keep my eating plan and let go of all the hard workout stuff.  Like, maybe I'm just not cut out to be a "fit" person, and I should just accept being smaller, but give up trying to be toned. 

This post is just going to be my ramblings because right now so many different things run through my brain.  I think the reality is that my brain is having a hard time waiting for my body to catch up.  See, I feel amazing.  I feel younger, taller, thinner, stronger - beautiful.  Then I look in the mirror.  And the old mindset comes flying back in.  Instead of seeing the improvement and all I've accomplished I see all that's left to do.  I see how much fat is still there.  I see what my trainer sees and I think I should do him a favor and quit.  Why would anyone want to work with a person my size?  What a joke I must be.

I am posting this hoping that someoen out there who deals with this stuff will realize they are not alone.  Hopefully I can help someone somewhere to refuse to give up - atleast for today.  See, this is where we must fight the battle in our mind.  This is where we have to be open with someone (especially God) and let another person know our fears.  I wrote above what I think my trainer sees when I work with him, but what he has actually told some is that seeing how hard I work makes him want to work harder in his own life.  I motivate him!  We must realize that the junk in our head is simply that - junk.  I must keep working - some days I'll do better than others, but everyday I will strive to honor God with my body.  And I will wait - patient or not - for my body to catch up with my brain. (Explanation of this later!)

It's the Little Things!

So, I ended the year at 289 pounds.  I lose 2 more pounds I will have lost 40 pounds!!  God willing, I will never be in the 300's again!  YEAHHHHH!!!!  There are times that I get frustrated and times I have wanted to give up for a meal or for a day, but God is and has been everything I need.  Have some emotions that seem to be surfacing now tht I don't hide everything with food, but it hasn't been real bad.  I noticed that I have a harder time when I skip exercising.  Last week I had a medical procedure done and with the holidays I couldn't workout last week.  I was grumpy and miserable.  The one day I was able to walk/jog about a mile and my whole attitude was better!  I realized just how important exercise is - for my emotional health as well as physical! : )
There are things I'm noticing that I never expected when I began this journey.  Sure, I knew I'd lose weight, I just didn't expect to lose it the way I am.  I think most of my fat is in my stomach area so of course that seem s to go down the slowest.  But I'm pretty much losing everywhere.  My bra was the first thing to get too big.  The thing I didn't expect though is my shoes are now too big and my wedding rings keep falling off!  I have to laugh it off.  Praise God!

Date Night

Had my date night with hubby last night.  It was fantastic!!  I was so tempted to eat at the restaurant, but I am so glad that we didn't.  We went to one of my fav Chinese restaurants and picked out everything we wanted.  I had to realize ahead of time, that I am worth spending a little money on occassionally and even if to go is more expensive than eating in, it is safer for me and easier to refrain from overeating.  SO, we got our food and for the 2 of us it was just a little over $40!  Not much  more than eating in AND we both have a meal left for tomorrow!!  If I didn't eat sushi it would have been much less, sushi was .75 each piece - but so worth it!

The restaurant we went to is at the Seminole Mall, so after we paid, we walked to the center of the mall and the place is almost deserted - the food court had one family that sit for a little while - and most stores were closed.  We sat and ate and talked and just spent time together.  I did want to keep eating, but forced myself to close up the boxes and stack them up.  Then we walked through some stores and headed home.

Since the whole point of this blog is to share my struggles as well as triumphs, I will share what happened next.  My husband stopped at a little store to get coffee and when he ran in, I grabbed the top box and started eating shushi.  I had eaten 2 pieces before I realized that I was not hungry and was simply eating to eat.  NOT GOOD!!! - Old behaviors.  I quickly put the box away and resisted the rest of the time.  I have no idea how many calories I've eaten, but it is the first time in my life that I've gone to an all you can eat restaurant and made it home without being stuffed.  I didn't even feel full!

Today, I was tempted to eat sushi for breakfast, but again I resisted.  I ate my normal Fiber Bar and then waited until I was truly hungry.  THEN, I ate my leftovers.  There was not enough for a third meal, so I ate everything that was left.  A little more than I should have.  I'm full right now and I try to never reach that point, although some of it is probably the water that I guzzled down afterward.  Watch the warning signs - if ignored they can lead to open doors and back to old behavior.  Just NEVER GIVE UP!!  Keep in touch - we can do this - TOGETHER! 

I've made it 60 days now with eating correctly. I want to believe that the struggle is over and I'm home free. But it's becoming more and more obvious that this is not the case. In fact, it seems to be getting very difficult for me right now. Seems like everywhere I go people are indulging. The desire to eat has come back. It's like a voice on my shoulder; telling me to eat, eat, eat. It's harder to fight right now, because I've reached the place where change begins to slow down. I lost 1 or 2 pounds this week, but I don't feel any difference. I've reached a point where I don't FEEL like walking or working out. It has become a chore. I keep pushing forward. I keep reminding myself of the changes I have experienced. A stronger heart. My doctor said my blood pressure is perfect!! (It was high 4 weeks ago.) A new size in clothes. The realization that if I quit I will quickly go back to being almost 350 pounds. It's just so much work to live this way. But I am believing that this too shall pass. I am trussting that this is just a HUMP and if I keep going I will one day not mind working out. I will be glad when I can maintain rather than fight to lose. I look forward to the day that I can do things I like instead of having to walk daily. Once my muscles are strong enough to work harder. I have to remember that I have had a great start and I always knew tough periods would come. But I am not ready to quit. I am not ready to give up. I thank God for a trainer that I have to face on Saturday. Knowing that he will be there and he will be looking for progress helps me keep going. It helps me push. I know he will push me and I don't want to be weak in front of someone so I push my body during the week to strengthen it for Saturday. I'm hoping to cut down my walking to 3 days a week and take up dancing or other cardio twice a week, but it doesn't raise my heart rate as much so I'm not sure if I'm ready to make that move. Oh well, guess I'm hitting the pavement in the a.m.! I KNOW IT WILL BE WORTH IT ONE DAY!!

I am growing more and more every day. I'm shocked at how many changes I am experiencing already! Today I was able to jog for 2 minute intervals! All I could do was thank Jesus over and over. I am amazed at how incredible our bodies are created. That after only a few weeks of walking and some effort, someone out of shape and weighing more than 300 pounds can jog for 2 minute intervals! God is wonderful!! Today I walked about 40 minutes and in that time I jogged 2 minutes spots 5 times. I am up to 10 minutes of total jogging!! THANK YOU JESUS! Figure this - on November 2 I began walking. I walked 1 mile the first day and 1.5 miles 2 other days that week. The week of November 9th I walked 1.5 miles Monday, Tues, Thurs, and Fri. The last 2 days I began jogging; 30 second intervals 3 times Thursday and 6 times Friday. A total of 3 minutes of jogging. That was the best I could do!!

The week of November 16th, I began walking all 5 weekdays and increased my jogging to 40 second intervals 6 times each walk. On Friday, I made it 7 times! Small steps and effort make big differences!! Last week, (Nov. 23) I started Monday with 45 second intervals 6 times and the last jog a full minute! The rest of the week I jogged 60 second intervals 7 times and increased Friday to 90 seconds a couple times!

Now for this week - I've increased my distance - I think I'm close to 2 miles now. Monday I jogged 90 seconds for 5 intervals and today I felt good so I pushed farther. Today I did 5 intervals of 2 minutes. YEAH!! Now if the heal spurs would just go away my life would be much easier!!

I'm enjoying this journey. Learning to find the little changes to help stay motivated. I know there is a long road ahead of me, but I'm making the most out of it!!

My New Life

It's amazing!! I have not slipped one single time since being set free. My eating habits have reduced to about a third and I have started walking. In six weeks my life has changed drastically. I still have such a long way to go, but I am learning to enjoy the changes that I'm experiencing now and embracing the small improvements that I can already notice. God is so faithful. I began walking 3 weeks ago. The first week I walked 3 days - Monday, Wednesday, Friday. The 2nd week I walked 4 days - Monday, Tuesday, Thursday, Friday and the 3rd week I pushed to 5 days. In the 3rd week, I began in my walks to do a few seconds of slow jogging. This week (week 4) I am working on increasing the time that I jog during my walk. I have also been blessed to begin working with a personal trainer. We have met twice and I'm learning basic exercises that can be done at home with little or no equipment.

It is hard. Exercising is hard and sometimes painful. But I find that I am feeling better than I can remember in a very long time. I feel like I stand straighter, walk better, feel more confident. It's like I'm alive for the first time. I have lost 20 pounds. I still have 145 pounds to go. It seems like an impossible battle, but at the same time I love the way I'm feeling. I'm noticing changes. My heart is stronger. I don't get out of breathe as easy. My muscles are strengthening - I'm beginning to actually be able to do the simple exercises that I couldn't do 2 weeks ago.

I've been praying and asking God to protect my health and add His super to my natural. To help me honor Him with my efforts. I love God, I love life, I love me. I still try to avoid mirrors.

Update.

Wow! I haven't written in well over a year. Well, that is about to change. I have been set free through deliverance and I have to shout it from the rooftops! I should be keeping in touch much more now.

If you are a spirit filled Christian and nothing has worked to help you get your eating habits under control then you may want to prayerfully consider deliverance. Prayer to remove anything spiritual or emotional stuff that's holding you back.

Day 5

OK, yes I think I'll stop counting the days soon. Today was hard. Being home with the family is my hardest time I think. We didn't do much today and my schedule was thrown off, so I sat around and watched TV and did some computer work. Bad thing to do. I knew I should be moving around, staying busy, but it is so much harder when there are people in the house doing nothing. However, the bottom line is that is just another excuse. I will always be able to come up with excuses, but am I going to fall for those excuses and go back to killing myself with my bad habits? Are other people's habits worth my life, health, and future?

OK, so it seems I've learned a lesson. That means today was worthwhile. I have made a choice to reach for my potential - to strive to be my best for God, myself, and my family. Not everyone is going to make the same choice, but that cannot stop me. It's funny when I think about potential, I know I can do better than I've been doing, but I have a feeling that I will surprise myself as this journey continues. What about you? Are you sitting there thinking that you don't have potential, that you can never change, life is just what it is and you can't do much about it? I disagree. If you are not living the way you know you should, if you are not honoring God with your eating habits, if you're not treating your body like the temple that it is, then you are living beneath your potential. Whether you feel like it or not, you are special, wonderful, a unique creation with value beyond what you can imagine. After all, the God of the universe sent His Son to die for YOU! Make the decision to begin making healthy changes in your life - it's worth it.

I ate too much today, but I did not eat any sugar that I know of. I did however eat a whole can of low fat pringles throughout the day. No sugar, but still not a good choice. I had an omelet for breakfast, 3 diet cokes, the chips, 5 green olives, some baby carrots, fish, and California veggies. Wow, I thought I had done much worse, but really it wasn't bad except for the chips. The important thing is I stuck to the goal that I've set for myself - no processed sugar.

The other goal I'm doing is exercise 5 times a week for 30 minutes. I would suggest only making one goal at a time to make it easier to stick to, but I am just tired of being the way I use to be. Besides, I need something to do instead of eating! anyway, the exercise has been the hardest part. I have so much going on in a day that it has always been easy for me to ignore exercise and have 30 minutes more to work, so I know it's important that I make this change. This week I have forced myself to walk fast for 30 minutes each day. Today was my 5th day, but the day slipped by and before I realized it, it was 10:45 pm and we were running to Wal-Mart and I still hadn't worked out. Immediately I began making excuses; "I walk tomorrow, one day later won't make a difference." However I know that if i start compromising, it's usually a downfall soon to come. So I made the decision to get my 30 minute workout. While my family was at Wal-Mart (see my other blog for the whole story), I walked the circumference of the store for 30 minutes. It was only 2 trips around. I did not get out of breath as much as I normally do, but the point is, I stuck to the goal I've set and that feels amazing. In just 5 days, I feel healthier. I know I look the same, but I feel better and that's what matters. When you feel healthy, you begin to behave healthy. I noticed tonight, that I'm not desiring junk food at all. Although I do need to back off the diet cokes or I'll end up with another addiction!

I am so excited about the future. Wherever you're at, make a decision and get started. Have a hard time sticking to things alone? write and let me know what goals you've set. I'm here for you!

Day One

Hello. I have decided to take the plunge. I am seriously over weight and I want to do something about it. So, I'll post it here for all to see. I have struggled with weight all of my adult life (and much of my childhood). I way almost 350 pounds and I hate looking in the mirror. I knoew I was big before, but I could still do things that other over weight people couldn't do so I kept telling my self it wasn't a problem. However, I'm 39 years old and I'm starting to have problems. I get out of breath very easy. My knees hurt when I walk. I get other pains here and there. Things that I didn't expect to bother me until much later. I figure if I'm this bad now, how will I survive the next 40 years. There are so many things I want to do in life, so many dreams I have, and many of them are difficult if not impossible due to my weight. I want to live with passion. I want to pursue destiny freely. I want the energy to accomplish so much more than I do right now. Being over weight is never an excuse to stop living - or enjoying life, but I have to admit that it is a road block in some areas. I am starting by fasting processed sugar for one month. It's only 31 days. This is my first fruits offering to God - for the year, for my health, and for the conference I'm hosting in March.

I hope that you will join me in this journey. I look forward to hearing from others out there who feel as frustrated as I do. Together, we may accomplish something that we haven't been able to do thus far. Not that you have to do what I do, just start somewhere. What can you give up for a specific period of time? What is one thing that you could begin to phase out of your daily intake? Soda? Chips? Lack of exercise? Pick something and let's move forward. Victory is waiting!