Confession

Why is it that when we're doing well, we want everyone to know and when we're failing, we keep it to ourselves? It's been 2 weeks since I've written. I'm always suprised at how fast time goes by, but I know the last week, I've avoided blogging because I want to say something better than what I have to say. However, my husband says it's about my failures as well as my successes so here I am to tell the world that I failed this week.

Wow. Why does that word bring a feeling of shame? Let me rephrase that - I don't believe that we ever really fail if we keep our walk in Jesus because "we know that all things work together for good to those who love God, to those who are the called according to His purpose." I have not failed because here I am to write about it and learn from it. A more accurate statement would be that I have struggled greatly the past 2 weeks and had almost given up the last couple of days.

2 weeks ago I was doing okay with my eating. I had increased my calories somewhat and when I would go over, I simply stopped writing in my food journal. Last weekend we had an event to do, so I was out all day and gave in to the urge to eat mall food - not low in calories or high in nutrition! But I shared with a friend my struggle and how I was needing accounatability to get through this time in my journey. That friend offered to be my accountability. They are very disciplined in what they eat and we made an agreement that I would show him my food journal on Fridays. But by Sunday I was standing at the fridge eating, with something in the microwave and looking for something else - OLD behavior. So I threw away all the bad or tempting food I found and prepared to get back on track. This week started much better. In fact, I had a great week for the most part - I fit in cardio every day, I strength trained Tuesday and Thursday, I kept my food journal. But I'm struggling to bring my eating back to the guidelines I had before. I went over on my calories a little Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday. Thursday we had a mandatory meeting at work that didn't end til after 9 p.m. We were hungry and pizza is my weekness. As soon as my hubby suggested it, it stuck in my head. I ate my whole days calories at dinner that night. Friday I did great and decided to cut back daily intake to make up for the pizza. But then I didn't measure dinner so I probly went over again.

But Saturday is when my trouble began. I was up early and tired when I got home. The desire to eat was so strong that I didn't even try to fight it. I was in a fashion show at Fashion Bug. I guess since it's a large size store they treat models different - they had breadsticks, ziti, zmoothies, etc. I told myself over and over before I went that I would maintain. In fact, the last one I was at, I didn't eat ANYTHING the entire time. This time was not so good. And when I came home I kept eating - most of the day I ate. I hated what I was doing. Finally I came clean with my husband and told him EVERYTHING I had eaten and all my behaviors. I've never been completely honest like that before. I wanted him to be aware of what was happening. I don't want to go backwards and I don't want to disappoint him either.

Today we had a dinner at church - I honestly dread things like that because it's so hard to keep control with people pushing you to eat more, more, more. Today ended up like yesterday. And then I reached a point where I just cried out to God. The thoughts kept saying wait til tomorrow, but I couldn't wait anymore. The bible talks about a empty house and 7 more returning with the one that left. I know people have different opinions on deliverance, but I personally have felt freedom in my eating and how much harder it was to resist when I gave in the to temptations. I have felt 7 times stronger and I never want to be there again. So I cried out to God to help me. I don't want to desire food. I want to only eat when I need food. My first thought on bloggin was to wait until tomorrow when I have positive things to say, but James 5:16 says "Therefore confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed. The prayer of a righteous man is powerful and effective."

So here I am confessing that I need prayer. Confessing my struggles, my downfalls, and my desires. Making myself accounatble to others. I'm not giving up, I'm reaching out. I was flipping through TV the other day and caught a portion of Pulp Fiction. Samuel Jackson and John Travolta were in an apartment dealing with 3 guys for something. Samuel Jackson picks up this guys fast food burger and says he's always wanted to try this restaurant. He takes a bite and offers it to John Travolta who says, "I'm not hungry." Most people think nothing of that, but to me it was monumental. THAT's my prayer. That food would not even be the slightest thought unless I was actually hungry! Father, the next time I desire food, let me remember to notice whether or not I'm actually hungry. Amen.

If you're reading this and you have a relationship with the God of Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob - please say I prayer for me.

Rambling Thoughts

How do 2 weeks go by without me writing?!  I feel like it's  only been a few days!!  I will def try to get better about this.  I'm always thinking of things I would like to share, and then don't seem to get them here.  It's like I write them in my head but not down on the comp.  Anyways, I'm still plugging along.  I have made it 90 days now and I've lost over 40 pounds.  I know that is a lot, and I'm incredibly grateful, but it is starting to come off slower and I'm getting frustrated.  I don't want to give up - I don't want to ever go back to what I was, but I almost want people to stop making a big deal about it.  Don't get me wrong, part of me loves attention. (Total honesty, right?) Knowing people are watching helps me keep working.  But another part of me wants to stop working so hard and just settle for how far I've gotten - just keep my eating plan and let go of all the hard workout stuff.  Like, maybe I'm just not cut out to be a "fit" person, and I should just accept being smaller, but give up trying to be toned. 

This post is just going to be my ramblings because right now so many different things run through my brain.  I think the reality is that my brain is having a hard time waiting for my body to catch up.  See, I feel amazing.  I feel younger, taller, thinner, stronger - beautiful.  Then I look in the mirror.  And the old mindset comes flying back in.  Instead of seeing the improvement and all I've accomplished I see all that's left to do.  I see how much fat is still there.  I see what my trainer sees and I think I should do him a favor and quit.  Why would anyone want to work with a person my size?  What a joke I must be.

I am posting this hoping that someoen out there who deals with this stuff will realize they are not alone.  Hopefully I can help someone somewhere to refuse to give up - atleast for today.  See, this is where we must fight the battle in our mind.  This is where we have to be open with someone (especially God) and let another person know our fears.  I wrote above what I think my trainer sees when I work with him, but what he has actually told some is that seeing how hard I work makes him want to work harder in his own life.  I motivate him!  We must realize that the junk in our head is simply that - junk.  I must keep working - some days I'll do better than others, but everyday I will strive to honor God with my body.  And I will wait - patient or not - for my body to catch up with my brain. (Explanation of this later!)

It's the Little Things!

So, I ended the year at 289 pounds.  I lose 2 more pounds I will have lost 40 pounds!!  God willing, I will never be in the 300's again!  YEAHHHHH!!!!  There are times that I get frustrated and times I have wanted to give up for a meal or for a day, but God is and has been everything I need.  Have some emotions that seem to be surfacing now tht I don't hide everything with food, but it hasn't been real bad.  I noticed that I have a harder time when I skip exercising.  Last week I had a medical procedure done and with the holidays I couldn't workout last week.  I was grumpy and miserable.  The one day I was able to walk/jog about a mile and my whole attitude was better!  I realized just how important exercise is - for my emotional health as well as physical! : )
There are things I'm noticing that I never expected when I began this journey.  Sure, I knew I'd lose weight, I just didn't expect to lose it the way I am.  I think most of my fat is in my stomach area so of course that seem s to go down the slowest.  But I'm pretty much losing everywhere.  My bra was the first thing to get too big.  The thing I didn't expect though is my shoes are now too big and my wedding rings keep falling off!  I have to laugh it off.  Praise God!

Date Night

Had my date night with hubby last night.  It was fantastic!!  I was so tempted to eat at the restaurant, but I am so glad that we didn't.  We went to one of my fav Chinese restaurants and picked out everything we wanted.  I had to realize ahead of time, that I am worth spending a little money on occassionally and even if to go is more expensive than eating in, it is safer for me and easier to refrain from overeating.  SO, we got our food and for the 2 of us it was just a little over $40!  Not much  more than eating in AND we both have a meal left for tomorrow!!  If I didn't eat sushi it would have been much less, sushi was .75 each piece - but so worth it!

The restaurant we went to is at the Seminole Mall, so after we paid, we walked to the center of the mall and the place is almost deserted - the food court had one family that sit for a little while - and most stores were closed.  We sat and ate and talked and just spent time together.  I did want to keep eating, but forced myself to close up the boxes and stack them up.  Then we walked through some stores and headed home.

Since the whole point of this blog is to share my struggles as well as triumphs, I will share what happened next.  My husband stopped at a little store to get coffee and when he ran in, I grabbed the top box and started eating shushi.  I had eaten 2 pieces before I realized that I was not hungry and was simply eating to eat.  NOT GOOD!!! - Old behaviors.  I quickly put the box away and resisted the rest of the time.  I have no idea how many calories I've eaten, but it is the first time in my life that I've gone to an all you can eat restaurant and made it home without being stuffed.  I didn't even feel full!

Today, I was tempted to eat sushi for breakfast, but again I resisted.  I ate my normal Fiber Bar and then waited until I was truly hungry.  THEN, I ate my leftovers.  There was not enough for a third meal, so I ate everything that was left.  A little more than I should have.  I'm full right now and I try to never reach that point, although some of it is probably the water that I guzzled down afterward.  Watch the warning signs - if ignored they can lead to open doors and back to old behavior.  Just NEVER GIVE UP!!  Keep in touch - we can do this - TOGETHER! 

I've made it 60 days now with eating correctly. I want to believe that the struggle is over and I'm home free. But it's becoming more and more obvious that this is not the case. In fact, it seems to be getting very difficult for me right now. Seems like everywhere I go people are indulging. The desire to eat has come back. It's like a voice on my shoulder; telling me to eat, eat, eat. It's harder to fight right now, because I've reached the place where change begins to slow down. I lost 1 or 2 pounds this week, but I don't feel any difference. I've reached a point where I don't FEEL like walking or working out. It has become a chore. I keep pushing forward. I keep reminding myself of the changes I have experienced. A stronger heart. My doctor said my blood pressure is perfect!! (It was high 4 weeks ago.) A new size in clothes. The realization that if I quit I will quickly go back to being almost 350 pounds. It's just so much work to live this way. But I am believing that this too shall pass. I am trussting that this is just a HUMP and if I keep going I will one day not mind working out. I will be glad when I can maintain rather than fight to lose. I look forward to the day that I can do things I like instead of having to walk daily. Once my muscles are strong enough to work harder. I have to remember that I have had a great start and I always knew tough periods would come. But I am not ready to quit. I am not ready to give up. I thank God for a trainer that I have to face on Saturday. Knowing that he will be there and he will be looking for progress helps me keep going. It helps me push. I know he will push me and I don't want to be weak in front of someone so I push my body during the week to strengthen it for Saturday. I'm hoping to cut down my walking to 3 days a week and take up dancing or other cardio twice a week, but it doesn't raise my heart rate as much so I'm not sure if I'm ready to make that move. Oh well, guess I'm hitting the pavement in the a.m.! I KNOW IT WILL BE WORTH IT ONE DAY!!

My New Life

It's amazing!! I have not slipped one single time since being set free. My eating habits have reduced to about a third and I have started walking. In six weeks my life has changed drastically. I still have such a long way to go, but I am learning to enjoy the changes that I'm experiencing now and embracing the small improvements that I can already notice. God is so faithful. I began walking 3 weeks ago. The first week I walked 3 days - Monday, Wednesday, Friday. The 2nd week I walked 4 days - Monday, Tuesday, Thursday, Friday and the 3rd week I pushed to 5 days. In the 3rd week, I began in my walks to do a few seconds of slow jogging. This week (week 4) I am working on increasing the time that I jog during my walk. I have also been blessed to begin working with a personal trainer. We have met twice and I'm learning basic exercises that can be done at home with little or no equipment.

It is hard. Exercising is hard and sometimes painful. But I find that I am feeling better than I can remember in a very long time. I feel like I stand straighter, walk better, feel more confident. It's like I'm alive for the first time. I have lost 20 pounds. I still have 145 pounds to go. It seems like an impossible battle, but at the same time I love the way I'm feeling. I'm noticing changes. My heart is stronger. I don't get out of breathe as easy. My muscles are strengthening - I'm beginning to actually be able to do the simple exercises that I couldn't do 2 weeks ago.

I've been praying and asking God to protect my health and add His super to my natural. To help me honor Him with my efforts. I love God, I love life, I love me. I still try to avoid mirrors.

Day 5

OK, yes I think I'll stop counting the days soon. Today was hard. Being home with the family is my hardest time I think. We didn't do much today and my schedule was thrown off, so I sat around and watched TV and did some computer work. Bad thing to do. I knew I should be moving around, staying busy, but it is so much harder when there are people in the house doing nothing. However, the bottom line is that is just another excuse. I will always be able to come up with excuses, but am I going to fall for those excuses and go back to killing myself with my bad habits? Are other people's habits worth my life, health, and future?

OK, so it seems I've learned a lesson. That means today was worthwhile. I have made a choice to reach for my potential - to strive to be my best for God, myself, and my family. Not everyone is going to make the same choice, but that cannot stop me. It's funny when I think about potential, I know I can do better than I've been doing, but I have a feeling that I will surprise myself as this journey continues. What about you? Are you sitting there thinking that you don't have potential, that you can never change, life is just what it is and you can't do much about it? I disagree. If you are not living the way you know you should, if you are not honoring God with your eating habits, if you're not treating your body like the temple that it is, then you are living beneath your potential. Whether you feel like it or not, you are special, wonderful, a unique creation with value beyond what you can imagine. After all, the God of the universe sent His Son to die for YOU! Make the decision to begin making healthy changes in your life - it's worth it.

I ate too much today, but I did not eat any sugar that I know of. I did however eat a whole can of low fat pringles throughout the day. No sugar, but still not a good choice. I had an omelet for breakfast, 3 diet cokes, the chips, 5 green olives, some baby carrots, fish, and California veggies. Wow, I thought I had done much worse, but really it wasn't bad except for the chips. The important thing is I stuck to the goal that I've set for myself - no processed sugar.

The other goal I'm doing is exercise 5 times a week for 30 minutes. I would suggest only making one goal at a time to make it easier to stick to, but I am just tired of being the way I use to be. Besides, I need something to do instead of eating! anyway, the exercise has been the hardest part. I have so much going on in a day that it has always been easy for me to ignore exercise and have 30 minutes more to work, so I know it's important that I make this change. This week I have forced myself to walk fast for 30 minutes each day. Today was my 5th day, but the day slipped by and before I realized it, it was 10:45 pm and we were running to Wal-Mart and I still hadn't worked out. Immediately I began making excuses; "I walk tomorrow, one day later won't make a difference." However I know that if i start compromising, it's usually a downfall soon to come. So I made the decision to get my 30 minute workout. While my family was at Wal-Mart (see my other blog for the whole story), I walked the circumference of the store for 30 minutes. It was only 2 trips around. I did not get out of breath as much as I normally do, but the point is, I stuck to the goal I've set and that feels amazing. In just 5 days, I feel healthier. I know I look the same, but I feel better and that's what matters. When you feel healthy, you begin to behave healthy. I noticed tonight, that I'm not desiring junk food at all. Although I do need to back off the diet cokes or I'll end up with another addiction!

I am so excited about the future. Wherever you're at, make a decision and get started. Have a hard time sticking to things alone? write and let me know what goals you've set. I'm here for you!

Day One

Hello. I have decided to take the plunge. I am seriously over weight and I want to do something about it. So, I'll post it here for all to see. I have struggled with weight all of my adult life (and much of my childhood). I way almost 350 pounds and I hate looking in the mirror. I knoew I was big before, but I could still do things that other over weight people couldn't do so I kept telling my self it wasn't a problem. However, I'm 39 years old and I'm starting to have problems. I get out of breath very easy. My knees hurt when I walk. I get other pains here and there. Things that I didn't expect to bother me until much later. I figure if I'm this bad now, how will I survive the next 40 years. There are so many things I want to do in life, so many dreams I have, and many of them are difficult if not impossible due to my weight. I want to live with passion. I want to pursue destiny freely. I want the energy to accomplish so much more than I do right now. Being over weight is never an excuse to stop living - or enjoying life, but I have to admit that it is a road block in some areas. I am starting by fasting processed sugar for one month. It's only 31 days. This is my first fruits offering to God - for the year, for my health, and for the conference I'm hosting in March.

I hope that you will join me in this journey. I look forward to hearing from others out there who feel as frustrated as I do. Together, we may accomplish something that we haven't been able to do thus far. Not that you have to do what I do, just start somewhere. What can you give up for a specific period of time? What is one thing that you could begin to phase out of your daily intake? Soda? Chips? Lack of exercise? Pick something and let's move forward. Victory is waiting!