I went for a walk this morning. I had to tell myself that I was only going to walk, no running and that I wouldn't even have to go the usual 2 miles if I didn't feel like it. It took an hour of arguing with myself to get out the door, but at least I finally got outside. My favorite part of walking is the communication and revelation from God. I got some clarity this morning.
I began to think about Lot's wife. Genesis 19 tells the story; Lot and his family were told to leave Sodom and not look back. However, Lot's wife at some point just had to turn around. And she became a pillar of salt. Kind of a strange thing to think about at 7:00 a.m. But this is what I got from it:
Looking back can stop you from moving forward. It can paralyze and immobilize you. The New Living Translation says "run for your lives." (yes, I noticed the version I looked up when I got home said RUN!) it would be very difficult to run if your not looking in front of you. And probably dangerous as well. This is where I have been for the past 8 months. A frozen pillar of salt; full of purpose and meant for Gods kingdom, but stuck looking behind me. When I would go out and run my thoughts were things like: "when I left Florida I had worked up to running half a mile, now I can barely run 60 seconds." "I lost 80 pounds in 6 months, now I've gained half of it back." "I can't get back to where I was." I focused on all the things I had in the past: a personal trainer, a gym membership, friends that noticed all the work I was doing, a church I could walk (or run) to. I had no motivation to work because I felt like I was starting from behind. I couldn't see progress because I had already accomplished these things and should have been farther than I was. Looking backwards had me stuck.
I realized this morning that I can't do that. I can't think about what I weighed 8 months ago or how far I could run or how much I've lost while being stuck in the past. It's time to look forward. What i did last year is not that important. What I do now is what matters. Looking forward, moving forward, focusing on now; that's what will bring accomplishments. So right now, where I'm at, regardless of the past, I noticed that yes I get tired after a 1 minute jog but my heart rate also goes back to normal piercer quick. Right now, I can do week 2 of "Run Your Butt Off" (a great book for new runners!) I can see progress today. And if I move forward, I will see progress tomorrow.
Take a moment and examine where your at. Are you stuck looking at the past? Wishing you were back at a certain point in life? Stop. Your life isn't over yet. Turn around. Move forward. Do something today to make a change.
Today, I did the whole 2 miles that I usually do. And I ran 5 one minute sections during my walk. I accomplished more than I expected when I walked out my door this morning. That's what matters. That's what I'll hold on to. No more looking back.
Thursday, April 21, 2011
Monday, March 28, 2011
Come boldly before the throne
Wow. I had no idea it has been 2 months since I wrote. I think that's what I say every time. No wonder very few people read my ramblings. That's ok, I'm heading back to where I belong. It's really hard to write when you don't have positive things to say. I guess that's why it's been so long. That and time flying by while I work to get myself correct. Warning - this is long - it's time to let everything out.
SO - here I am. It's been a hard 6 months. I won't lie. I honestly have gone to places I never thought I would go to ever again. I've revisited places of darkness that I thought were long past me. I hear the lying judgmental voices even as I write this. The voices that say I should not be so open, that people will never see me as a minister if I write these things, even the voices that say I have no right to be in ministry because I'm such a mess. But I write this anyway. And I thank God that I've come to a place where I really don't care anymore. I don't care what other "minister's" think of me. I don't care if I'm judged. I don't care if I'm never asked to preach anywhere again. (ok, I do care - my heart is to preach and I would miss that terribly - but it won't shut me up!) The enemy is a liar and there is no truth in him. If you read this and would think similar things, then reread the previous sentence. I am in ministry because God has called me to be - not because my life is right or because I'm who I should be - but because He chose me. I don't think my occupation defines what I should or should not go through. I didn't ask for this or expect it and I certainly didn't do anything to deserve it. But I'm glad God allowed this in my life. Here's my story.
For those who know me, my life hasn't gotten continuously better for several years now. The one thing I've battled throughout is my weight and a compulsive eating disorder. On October 3, 2009 I was set free of that and in 6 months time I lost 80 pounds. I started working with a personal trainer who became like a little brother to me, started jogging and working out. Things were great. I loved my job as a youth pastor and recovery center minister, my new life, and who I was becoming. Then in May 2010 we visited Phoenix Arizona and fell in love with the state. My hubby and I knew that God was calling us there and within 2 months He had provided everything we needed to move. I didn't cost us one penny. We arrived in Phoenix July 31, 2010. And everything changed.
Within a week of being here, the ministry we came to work for was turned over to us - literally signed into our names and suddenly we were running a recovery program. A program that had no curriculum, no structure, and no money. My husband became very busy. The ministry couldn't pay us and he didn't have time for an outside job, so finances were a major issue. On top of that, I had left every friend, my church, my trainer, my job - everything I had know for the last 12 years was gone. I started struggling with depression. I recognized it because I'd battled it as a teen and young adult. I lost all motivation to exercise. I didn't seem to connect with the people in this program like I had back home. After a couple of verbal attacks from people, I quit having any role and left the whole thing to my husband. I knew being the lead ministers meant dealing with difficult people, but I never knew the depth. (For example, one client had a fit that I wore new shoes one day - how was it right for me to have new shoes if she didn't have money for new shoes. True story!) I sunk so deep that I didn't even want to go out of my house. The only comfort I had was food and I quickly gained 30 pounds back in 6 months time. I didn't want to go to church, I felt totally alone. My husband couldn't understand and I couldn't explain it. I became so depressed that it scared me. I hadn't felt such hopelessness since my teen years. My food was out of control and I became severely bulimic again for the first time in 16 years. I felt like God wasn't answering me. I wanted to die. Yes, I really wanted to die. I thought it a few times. How badly I wanted to drive my car into a concrete wall and just have everything be over. I'm not saying it was right. I'm saying it was true.
God never gives us more than we can handle. right? He intervened a few times. I can see that now. A couple times while I was going through motions - pray write, worship right, talk right - He would get a message to me that would shake me up a bit. But sometimes you just have to be ready to. I said I didn't know how to get out of the pit, but honestly I don't think I wanted out of the pit. It was easier to hide in the dark than actually take responsibility for making new friends, eating write, stepping out in ministry, etc. That old scary darkness was at least vaguely familiar and therefore better than the unknown. Better than being judged by others. I knew I had been happier back home but I couldn't figure out why those things weren't working for me know. I happened to pick up a book one day browsing through a closing Borders called "Regaining Your Self". And God began to answer my cries for help. As I read it made perfect sense. I think I will save that for another day because this will be long enough already. And I finished the book "No Regrets" by my favorite speed track skater - Apolo Ohno. The break truly came one day when everything in me wanted to eat. I had decided once again to through my day away - eat til I was full and hang out on the couch, but first I needed to read the devotion for the day (I think it was March 8).
Let us therefore come boldly to the throne of grace, that we may obtain mercy and find grace to help in time of need. Hebrews 4:16. How many times do we read a scripture and it means absolutely nothing and then one moment - the right moment - God will take His Word and smack us over the head with it. I read this one simple sentence and broke. I cried. I prayed. It was like a light came on in the room and I suddenly thought - I have as much right as every other person who has ever existed to simply walk up to the throne of God and ask for help. So I did. I told Him how sorry I was for slipping so far away. And I thanked Him for His mercy and grace. And I asked Him to help me. Then I got up and walked away - away from the kitchen, away from depression, away from the lies of the enemy. God usually doesn't take it away - at least with me He doesn't. He gives us the tools, but we have to use them. God is faithful. He didn't let Joseph die in the pit, He didn't let me die there, and He won't let you wither. He'll send a way out - but it is up to us to actually take what is given us and run with it. The throne has always been there - waiting and open for us to come boldly - to receive grace and mercy - help and forgiveness - but we have to come. Every day I have to make the choice to take that grace that God has given. Every day I have to choose to walk away from the kitchen, to set goals, to fight depression. His grace is there to help us, if we are willing to use it.
So I'm back on track. I've learned so much more, but that is another blog. I've lost 10 pounds. I'm confronting some things that are long over due. But He is faithful to complete the good work He started. Maybe I needed to come here - to go through what I've gone through - to reach another place. I'm ready.
SO - here I am. It's been a hard 6 months. I won't lie. I honestly have gone to places I never thought I would go to ever again. I've revisited places of darkness that I thought were long past me. I hear the lying judgmental voices even as I write this. The voices that say I should not be so open, that people will never see me as a minister if I write these things, even the voices that say I have no right to be in ministry because I'm such a mess. But I write this anyway. And I thank God that I've come to a place where I really don't care anymore. I don't care what other "minister's" think of me. I don't care if I'm judged. I don't care if I'm never asked to preach anywhere again. (ok, I do care - my heart is to preach and I would miss that terribly - but it won't shut me up!) The enemy is a liar and there is no truth in him. If you read this and would think similar things, then reread the previous sentence. I am in ministry because God has called me to be - not because my life is right or because I'm who I should be - but because He chose me. I don't think my occupation defines what I should or should not go through. I didn't ask for this or expect it and I certainly didn't do anything to deserve it. But I'm glad God allowed this in my life. Here's my story.
For those who know me, my life hasn't gotten continuously better for several years now. The one thing I've battled throughout is my weight and a compulsive eating disorder. On October 3, 2009 I was set free of that and in 6 months time I lost 80 pounds. I started working with a personal trainer who became like a little brother to me, started jogging and working out. Things were great. I loved my job as a youth pastor and recovery center minister, my new life, and who I was becoming. Then in May 2010 we visited Phoenix Arizona and fell in love with the state. My hubby and I knew that God was calling us there and within 2 months He had provided everything we needed to move. I didn't cost us one penny. We arrived in Phoenix July 31, 2010. And everything changed.
Within a week of being here, the ministry we came to work for was turned over to us - literally signed into our names and suddenly we were running a recovery program. A program that had no curriculum, no structure, and no money. My husband became very busy. The ministry couldn't pay us and he didn't have time for an outside job, so finances were a major issue. On top of that, I had left every friend, my church, my trainer, my job - everything I had know for the last 12 years was gone. I started struggling with depression. I recognized it because I'd battled it as a teen and young adult. I lost all motivation to exercise. I didn't seem to connect with the people in this program like I had back home. After a couple of verbal attacks from people, I quit having any role and left the whole thing to my husband. I knew being the lead ministers meant dealing with difficult people, but I never knew the depth. (For example, one client had a fit that I wore new shoes one day - how was it right for me to have new shoes if she didn't have money for new shoes. True story!) I sunk so deep that I didn't even want to go out of my house. The only comfort I had was food and I quickly gained 30 pounds back in 6 months time. I didn't want to go to church, I felt totally alone. My husband couldn't understand and I couldn't explain it. I became so depressed that it scared me. I hadn't felt such hopelessness since my teen years. My food was out of control and I became severely bulimic again for the first time in 16 years. I felt like God wasn't answering me. I wanted to die. Yes, I really wanted to die. I thought it a few times. How badly I wanted to drive my car into a concrete wall and just have everything be over. I'm not saying it was right. I'm saying it was true.
God never gives us more than we can handle. right? He intervened a few times. I can see that now. A couple times while I was going through motions - pray write, worship right, talk right - He would get a message to me that would shake me up a bit. But sometimes you just have to be ready to. I said I didn't know how to get out of the pit, but honestly I don't think I wanted out of the pit. It was easier to hide in the dark than actually take responsibility for making new friends, eating write, stepping out in ministry, etc. That old scary darkness was at least vaguely familiar and therefore better than the unknown. Better than being judged by others. I knew I had been happier back home but I couldn't figure out why those things weren't working for me know. I happened to pick up a book one day browsing through a closing Borders called "Regaining Your Self". And God began to answer my cries for help. As I read it made perfect sense. I think I will save that for another day because this will be long enough already. And I finished the book "No Regrets" by my favorite speed track skater - Apolo Ohno. The break truly came one day when everything in me wanted to eat. I had decided once again to through my day away - eat til I was full and hang out on the couch, but first I needed to read the devotion for the day (I think it was March 8).
Let us therefore come boldly to the throne of grace, that we may obtain mercy and find grace to help in time of need. Hebrews 4:16. How many times do we read a scripture and it means absolutely nothing and then one moment - the right moment - God will take His Word and smack us over the head with it. I read this one simple sentence and broke. I cried. I prayed. It was like a light came on in the room and I suddenly thought - I have as much right as every other person who has ever existed to simply walk up to the throne of God and ask for help. So I did. I told Him how sorry I was for slipping so far away. And I thanked Him for His mercy and grace. And I asked Him to help me. Then I got up and walked away - away from the kitchen, away from depression, away from the lies of the enemy. God usually doesn't take it away - at least with me He doesn't. He gives us the tools, but we have to use them. God is faithful. He didn't let Joseph die in the pit, He didn't let me die there, and He won't let you wither. He'll send a way out - but it is up to us to actually take what is given us and run with it. The throne has always been there - waiting and open for us to come boldly - to receive grace and mercy - help and forgiveness - but we have to come. Every day I have to make the choice to take that grace that God has given. Every day I have to choose to walk away from the kitchen, to set goals, to fight depression. His grace is there to help us, if we are willing to use it.
So I'm back on track. I've learned so much more, but that is another blog. I've lost 10 pounds. I'm confronting some things that are long over due. But He is faithful to complete the good work He started. Maybe I needed to come here - to go through what I've gone through - to reach another place. I'm ready.
Monday, January 10, 2011
Who Am I?
I have a hero. Yes, of course, Jesus, but I mean besides Jesus. Someone I admire and am inspired by. His name is Apolo Anton Ohno. He is an Olympic speed skater. He is the most decorated American in winter games history. I know there are many other stroies out there that are full of inspiration; tons of people who push themselves and achieve what most of us can't even dream about, but for some reason Apolo is one that I really seem to connect with. I admire his determination to work hard and push himself harder; to refuse to be anything but the best he can be. I've quoted something I heard him say before; something like "Everyday I ask myself, have I done my absolute best at being the best I can be?" That inspires me. It makes me think. And dream. And he is the reason for today's blog - or at least the begining of it.
Apolo Ohno recently published a book called "Zero Regrets." I started reading it yesterday. I am on page 6 now. I know, that isn't much, but sometimes it doesn't take much for God to speak to me! He mentioned having to know who you want to be - not WHAT you want to be - WHO. And then go after it with everything you've got. So for 2 days I've been asking God, Who am I? Who was I created to be? Because that is who I want to be - the person God designed for me to be. What's the difference between who I am and what I am? Still not real sure on that one. I'm 42 years old and I'm still not sure that I even know who I am. Hmmmmm. I went to sleep last night asking God "Who am I?" And I woke up thinking about it still. So in thmy prayer time this morning I wrote down what I did know. Then I worte what God revealed. Time for more total honesty.
I do have regrets. I admit it. I regret that I haven't done more with my life. I regret getting this out of shape and not caring about myself more. I regret that I never did anything incredible with the brain God gave me. I was ranked in the top 9% of my high school class, I tested at borderline genius, I graduated valedictorian of Bible College - yet I sit here as day after day passes by and I've not accomplished anymore than the average person - maybe even less. This may be my biggest regret. I completely believe that if God gave me a highly intelligent brain there was a reason; which means I have also disapointed Him and failed in my giftings. (Not walking in condemnation - just total honesty - sometimes needed to get to the other side.) Bear with me here. I regret how mean and judgemental I am to the people around me. And I truly regret that I can honestly say that there are times in my past where I was much more intimate with God than I am right now.
So there I am. Confronted with my regrets. I do have some. But what I realized in writing this stuff down is this - I have the power to change every single one. No one else can change it - but I CAN. Acknowledging the regrets gives me a starting point. I know where to focus. I would encourage everyone to do this. Take some time to write down the regrets you have and then look over it. If there are some you can't change - things that have happened to you - make a decision now to release them - let them go. I don't regret the things in my past - they brought me to where I am; they developed character and strength in my life. Then take the rest of your list and decide today to do soemthing different. Do you regret getting married? Then choose to be the best spouse you can possibly be! Whatever it is that you regret - make the decision to move past that by doing something to change it.
Now for the next part - Who Am I? Who do I want to be? What I am is easy - pastor, teacher, mother, wife, personal trainer. What I want to be is easy - speaker, author, motivator. But WHO AM I? This has stumped me. What is the difference? God took me to His word. Who Am I according to his word? More than a conqueror. Overcomer. A Christian. Christian is not what I am - it's who I am; because I'm a Christian I can overcome the regrets in my life. I can run and not grow weary. So I have determined to take Who I am and my list of regrets, and come up with a few basic goals in which to live my life.
I commit to be the best wife/mother I can be.
I commit to be the best Christian I can be.
I commit to be the best trainer I can be.
I commit to be the best author I can be.
I commit to be the best speaker I can be.
I commit to be the best life I can be. If today is the last day I have, if today is the day I will be remembered for, I want it to count.
By the end of prayer, I had my answer.
WHO do I want to be?
Someone who loves life
Who lives
Who enjoys God and His creation
Who tries to be the best I can be.
That's Who I am - and I will go after that with everything I have.
Apolo Ohno recently published a book called "Zero Regrets." I started reading it yesterday. I am on page 6 now. I know, that isn't much, but sometimes it doesn't take much for God to speak to me! He mentioned having to know who you want to be - not WHAT you want to be - WHO. And then go after it with everything you've got. So for 2 days I've been asking God, Who am I? Who was I created to be? Because that is who I want to be - the person God designed for me to be. What's the difference between who I am and what I am? Still not real sure on that one. I'm 42 years old and I'm still not sure that I even know who I am. Hmmmmm. I went to sleep last night asking God "Who am I?" And I woke up thinking about it still. So in thmy prayer time this morning I wrote down what I did know. Then I worte what God revealed. Time for more total honesty.
I do have regrets. I admit it. I regret that I haven't done more with my life. I regret getting this out of shape and not caring about myself more. I regret that I never did anything incredible with the brain God gave me. I was ranked in the top 9% of my high school class, I tested at borderline genius, I graduated valedictorian of Bible College - yet I sit here as day after day passes by and I've not accomplished anymore than the average person - maybe even less. This may be my biggest regret. I completely believe that if God gave me a highly intelligent brain there was a reason; which means I have also disapointed Him and failed in my giftings. (Not walking in condemnation - just total honesty - sometimes needed to get to the other side.) Bear with me here. I regret how mean and judgemental I am to the people around me. And I truly regret that I can honestly say that there are times in my past where I was much more intimate with God than I am right now.
So there I am. Confronted with my regrets. I do have some. But what I realized in writing this stuff down is this - I have the power to change every single one. No one else can change it - but I CAN. Acknowledging the regrets gives me a starting point. I know where to focus. I would encourage everyone to do this. Take some time to write down the regrets you have and then look over it. If there are some you can't change - things that have happened to you - make a decision now to release them - let them go. I don't regret the things in my past - they brought me to where I am; they developed character and strength in my life. Then take the rest of your list and decide today to do soemthing different. Do you regret getting married? Then choose to be the best spouse you can possibly be! Whatever it is that you regret - make the decision to move past that by doing something to change it.
Now for the next part - Who Am I? Who do I want to be? What I am is easy - pastor, teacher, mother, wife, personal trainer. What I want to be is easy - speaker, author, motivator. But WHO AM I? This has stumped me. What is the difference? God took me to His word. Who Am I according to his word? More than a conqueror. Overcomer. A Christian. Christian is not what I am - it's who I am; because I'm a Christian I can overcome the regrets in my life. I can run and not grow weary. So I have determined to take Who I am and my list of regrets, and come up with a few basic goals in which to live my life.
I commit to be the best wife/mother I can be.
I commit to be the best Christian I can be.
I commit to be the best trainer I can be.
I commit to be the best author I can be.
I commit to be the best speaker I can be.
I commit to be the best life I can be. If today is the last day I have, if today is the day I will be remembered for, I want it to count.
By the end of prayer, I had my answer.
WHO do I want to be?
Someone who loves life
Who lives
Who enjoys God and His creation
Who tries to be the best I can be.
That's Who I am - and I will go after that with everything I have.
Tuesday, January 4, 2011
God's Power is Great
I woke up hungry today. I thought about all the people in the world who wake up hungry every day and wish they weren't. I rejoice that I am. For too long I have used excuses to give in to the desires of flesh instead of resisting temptation. I gained 35 pounds in the last 6 months. That is not how I want to live my life. Yesterday I determined to get back on track. It was nice to actually wake up hungry and know that it was a good thing. After a bowl of cereal to stop the pains, and a 25 calorie cup of cocoa (with 25 calories of whip cream) to warm my insides, here we are. I have noticed how much my eating habits effect every area of my life. I have felt lately like I was far away from God; that I couldn't hear Him anymore. I was struggling to keep any kind of prayer life and had no desire to go to church. Actually, I had no desire to do anything. I was still a Christian; just wasn't pursuing much of a relationship with my Creator.
It wasn't only my walk with Christ that was different. I noticed how easily I was snapping at people. I had become judgemental and distant. I didn't want to go to the center, exercise, teach, or anything else. I blamed it on depression. I blamed it on how busy I was studying for my exam. I blamed it on the clients and how cruel some of them have been (Women in recovery can be deadly!) I never blamed my eating habits. I didn't consider how much my choices would effect other areas of my life.
As the end of the year came, I began thinking about New Years resolution and how I really didn't want to have any because most people never actually follow through with them. Then I began to think about all the New Years that we have jumped into with excitement and expectations - plans on how everything would be so different this year - just to end the year and start another with basically no change. Pastor Glenn at Solid Rock used to say the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results. I feel like I've had a lifetime of insanity. I'm ready to break that cycle. It really doesn't matter how many New Years are spent making resolutions and determinations; if the method doesn't change the results will stay the same.
So my resolution, if I have one, is to simple do something different. Change the method so to speak. Instead of planning all these things I'm going to change, I'm simply committing to live differently. Sometimes we have to do things before we feel like doing them. So I started yesterday with prayer. I prayed even though I didn't feel like it - and I wrote in my Hungry for God blog about what happened.
I am committed to change. I am committed to prayer. And it's making all the difference. I feel better about myself. I have the strength to resist food. I'm nicer to my family. And I'm getting "downloads" again. For years, I've focused on a rigid Bible reading - 2 chapters in Old T, 2 chapters in New T, 1 psalm, 1 proverb. I would ask God to help me understand what I was reading, but often had read so much I ended up getting very little out. This year I'm committed to taking my time. I might not read much, but I get so much out of it. One verse can feed me all day. Ephesians 1:19 was the devotional verse for today. "You will know that God's power is very great for us who believe." Wow.
I am committed to walk in God's power. I am committed to letting Him change me. I am committed to becoming the person He desires me to be. I am committed to doing it His way - no big plans or schemes - just focusing on Him and letting Him do the rest. God's power is very great - that is enough for me.
It wasn't only my walk with Christ that was different. I noticed how easily I was snapping at people. I had become judgemental and distant. I didn't want to go to the center, exercise, teach, or anything else. I blamed it on depression. I blamed it on how busy I was studying for my exam. I blamed it on the clients and how cruel some of them have been (Women in recovery can be deadly!) I never blamed my eating habits. I didn't consider how much my choices would effect other areas of my life.
As the end of the year came, I began thinking about New Years resolution and how I really didn't want to have any because most people never actually follow through with them. Then I began to think about all the New Years that we have jumped into with excitement and expectations - plans on how everything would be so different this year - just to end the year and start another with basically no change. Pastor Glenn at Solid Rock used to say the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results. I feel like I've had a lifetime of insanity. I'm ready to break that cycle. It really doesn't matter how many New Years are spent making resolutions and determinations; if the method doesn't change the results will stay the same.
So my resolution, if I have one, is to simple do something different. Change the method so to speak. Instead of planning all these things I'm going to change, I'm simply committing to live differently. Sometimes we have to do things before we feel like doing them. So I started yesterday with prayer. I prayed even though I didn't feel like it - and I wrote in my Hungry for God blog about what happened.
I am committed to change. I am committed to prayer. And it's making all the difference. I feel better about myself. I have the strength to resist food. I'm nicer to my family. And I'm getting "downloads" again. For years, I've focused on a rigid Bible reading - 2 chapters in Old T, 2 chapters in New T, 1 psalm, 1 proverb. I would ask God to help me understand what I was reading, but often had read so much I ended up getting very little out. This year I'm committed to taking my time. I might not read much, but I get so much out of it. One verse can feed me all day. Ephesians 1:19 was the devotional verse for today. "You will know that God's power is very great for us who believe." Wow.
I am committed to walk in God's power. I am committed to letting Him change me. I am committed to becoming the person He desires me to be. I am committed to doing it His way - no big plans or schemes - just focusing on Him and letting Him do the rest. God's power is very great - that is enough for me.
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