Catch and Release

I am having a very hard time right now. I probably shouldn't even be publishing this on the web, but I need to talk. Please remember as you read this that minister's are not perfect. EVERY person has their struggle with something. Mine just happens to be out in the open for everyone to see. I deal enough with the guilt that I should be more together than I am - as a minister of God's Word I should have overcome already. And then sometimes I get afraid that God will leave me this way. That the thing in my life I hate the most will be the "thorn in my side" forever. That I will have to wear my shame forever to stay humble - to know that anything good in my life or ministry is from God and not my own doing. I pray that it's not the case and I pray that I would never become prideful in ministry - I've seen too many people fall from pride. After all, I know how well I was doing when I was in control of my life - not so good!! I know that where I am now is ONLY because of God's grace, mercy, and hand on my life. So, instead, I hope to get free of this burden and become even more powerful for the kingdom of God.

But right now I'm feeling hopeless. I'm confused. I feel like a failure. I want so desparately to be free, yet I keep going back. I didn't even struggle like this when I was sticking needles in my arm. When I realized I was about to die on cocaine, I stopped. Not this time. I can see so many differences in my body now - yet I keep eating. I get out of breathe so easy. I can barely make it up the stairs. I can't carry anything very heavy. I feel sick to my stomach often. My liver is enlarged (beginning stages of fibrosis). I don't have much energy and I could go on and on and on, but some of it's just to personal. I now that I am reaping the consequences of my choices and it's only going to continue getting worse. I am dying. I know it. I feel it. As I've said before, maybe not tomorrow, but I don't think it will be a long time if I don't get help soon.

I feel so hopeless and alone. Sure, people look at my and know I eat too much, but does anyone really understand the shame and torment and struggle that I go through? Most people think it's just a choice. "Do something about it." is what I've heard. What do I do? I try and try only to fail again. Do you think I honestly choose to look this way? I know, I choose to eat the food, but sometimes I really don't want to eat and keep on anyway. I eat food that doesn't even taste good just because it's there. I eat when I'm stuffed and feeling sick and I don't even know why. Maybe I just have an overwelming need to chew. After all, if I don't have food, I will chew on my lip or the inside of my cheeks! I know!! I have issues!

Last night, I tried to open up to my husband about my fears and he was unresponsive. I know he doesn't know what to say or how to help, but I feel like I can't be open in my relationship. I'm hiding this secret from pretty much everyone. Sounds funny seeing as how it's being published on the web, but I probably wouldn't be saying half of this if I actually thought anyone would read it. (OK, I would still say all of this, because I am screaming for help right now and desperately need to get this off my chest - and I want others to know they're not alone.)

I feel like I am at a road block. I have admitted that I'm powerless over this addiction. (Step 1 for all you addicts!) And I know without a doubt that God can restore me to sanity - if He chooses to do so. But NOW WHAT!!!??? If I'm powerless how does anyone expect me to stop? But if I pick up and overeat again than I haven't surrendered, but I'm powerless so what would you expect from me??!! I don't know how to overcome and be powerless at the same time. I love god and will serve Him regardless, I just think He must be pretty disappointed about now.

I am tired of walking in shame and secrecy, but I truly no longer see any light at the end of my tunnel. My best efforts have gotten me nowhere and I don't seem to know how to let go. I am feeling pretty hopeless right now. Every time I think I've been released and can walk in freedom I end up right back - caught in the middle of my sin. I feel I may be stuck this way forever. And forever may not be very long if I keep eating the way I do.

Struggles

I'm doing somewhat better today. SOMEWHAT! Praise God for HIM - in my weakness He is strong. I heard a message today on fasting and the importance of fasting the thing in your life that gives you the most trouble. It was enough to get me back on track. Monday I made it through the day with no sugar. It was extremely hard the whole day, but I made it. (Thank you Jesus!) Today was different - we had a Pastor's lunch to attend and they served fast food for lunch. I was so proud of myself; I gave my brownie away! It really wasn't easy - I wanted to eat badly, but I'm trying to stay on track. It's time to realize the seriousness of my eating struggles. I felt good all day that I had made it over that test - until I realized that I had eaten the chicken sandwich! Hello!!! Buns are loaded with sugar! I was so upset I bought Burger King for dinner and ate that bun too! I know, I know - that's not what I should have done. It was just an excuse to do what I wanted to do. And pure laziness, since it was my night to cook and I didn't want to. Sorry! I'll just keep on going. So often I simply don't know what to do. I feel like I will never get free of this. But I know I can never give up. If I give up I will die. Maybe not immediately, but at some point - my food habits are killing me.
I so desparately want to be free, but I just don't seem to be able to figure out how to resist on a regular basis - for the rest of my life. Help me JESUS!!

I haven't been here lately. Why? I'm really not sure. Partly because time flies and I haven't seemed to be able to get here. Largely because my family is working off 1 computer now and with my hubby home, he has to have access as well. And partly because I haven't been to sure of what I was going to say.
Honestly, I haven't done very well lately. I made it through January and decided feb. 1st would be my treat day, and then it went into the weekend, and now I'm having a very hard time getting back on track. WHY?? I don't know. I so do not want to be in this bondage anymore. I hate it. I hate the sin. I hate the embarrassment. I just wish I could figure out how to break through. It seems that once it's in my head, all the reasons I have for changing my life fly out the window. I can't think of stuff like the fact that I'm killing myself with this addiction. Or that I don't honor god or my husband with the way I look. Or that I desire to jump around and have fun when I preach, but I can barely speak without getting out of breath. It seems that none of htis is strong enough when I'm thinking about food. What is it that has me tied so tightly that I have no sense of reason over food - something that should mean little or nothing to me is actually consuming my whole life.
I'm not giving up. I do not want my life to continue this way. I even went and found an accountability person thinking that was my next step, but I haven't called her or anything even once. If you read this and you believe that Jesus is the Son of God, please pray for me. I need breakthrough and I know God is able to bring me through. Don't give up. God's not finished yet.