I haven't written in awhile and I'm not really sure I have anything worthwhile to say, but I want to keep this connection open. I have not been doing well. I was sick for awhile and then the business of the conference hit and every goal I set for myself basically failed. Even now I'm wanting to just go eat until I fall asleep. I know it seems there is a major problem here, but I am not giving up. I know that God can do what I cannot do for myself. I know that freedom is coming. I know that it also will mean getting uncomfortable. Freedom isn't free. It costs our military something and it will cost me something, but I know it's coming. I know that God will give me the strength to turn and look at the places in my past that keep me running for cover. It's time to return to the foxholes and expose the enemy that has laid there waiting to destroy me all these years. The tides are turning - we win.

Catch and Release

I am having a very hard time right now. I probably shouldn't even be publishing this on the web, but I need to talk. Please remember as you read this that minister's are not perfect. EVERY person has their struggle with something. Mine just happens to be out in the open for everyone to see. I deal enough with the guilt that I should be more together than I am - as a minister of God's Word I should have overcome already. And then sometimes I get afraid that God will leave me this way. That the thing in my life I hate the most will be the "thorn in my side" forever. That I will have to wear my shame forever to stay humble - to know that anything good in my life or ministry is from God and not my own doing. I pray that it's not the case and I pray that I would never become prideful in ministry - I've seen too many people fall from pride. After all, I know how well I was doing when I was in control of my life - not so good!! I know that where I am now is ONLY because of God's grace, mercy, and hand on my life. So, instead, I hope to get free of this burden and become even more powerful for the kingdom of God.

But right now I'm feeling hopeless. I'm confused. I feel like a failure. I want so desparately to be free, yet I keep going back. I didn't even struggle like this when I was sticking needles in my arm. When I realized I was about to die on cocaine, I stopped. Not this time. I can see so many differences in my body now - yet I keep eating. I get out of breathe so easy. I can barely make it up the stairs. I can't carry anything very heavy. I feel sick to my stomach often. My liver is enlarged (beginning stages of fibrosis). I don't have much energy and I could go on and on and on, but some of it's just to personal. I now that I am reaping the consequences of my choices and it's only going to continue getting worse. I am dying. I know it. I feel it. As I've said before, maybe not tomorrow, but I don't think it will be a long time if I don't get help soon.

I feel so hopeless and alone. Sure, people look at my and know I eat too much, but does anyone really understand the shame and torment and struggle that I go through? Most people think it's just a choice. "Do something about it." is what I've heard. What do I do? I try and try only to fail again. Do you think I honestly choose to look this way? I know, I choose to eat the food, but sometimes I really don't want to eat and keep on anyway. I eat food that doesn't even taste good just because it's there. I eat when I'm stuffed and feeling sick and I don't even know why. Maybe I just have an overwelming need to chew. After all, if I don't have food, I will chew on my lip or the inside of my cheeks! I know!! I have issues!

Last night, I tried to open up to my husband about my fears and he was unresponsive. I know he doesn't know what to say or how to help, but I feel like I can't be open in my relationship. I'm hiding this secret from pretty much everyone. Sounds funny seeing as how it's being published on the web, but I probably wouldn't be saying half of this if I actually thought anyone would read it. (OK, I would still say all of this, because I am screaming for help right now and desperately need to get this off my chest - and I want others to know they're not alone.)

I feel like I am at a road block. I have admitted that I'm powerless over this addiction. (Step 1 for all you addicts!) And I know without a doubt that God can restore me to sanity - if He chooses to do so. But NOW WHAT!!!??? If I'm powerless how does anyone expect me to stop? But if I pick up and overeat again than I haven't surrendered, but I'm powerless so what would you expect from me??!! I don't know how to overcome and be powerless at the same time. I love god and will serve Him regardless, I just think He must be pretty disappointed about now.

I am tired of walking in shame and secrecy, but I truly no longer see any light at the end of my tunnel. My best efforts have gotten me nowhere and I don't seem to know how to let go. I am feeling pretty hopeless right now. Every time I think I've been released and can walk in freedom I end up right back - caught in the middle of my sin. I feel I may be stuck this way forever. And forever may not be very long if I keep eating the way I do.

Struggles

I'm doing somewhat better today. SOMEWHAT! Praise God for HIM - in my weakness He is strong. I heard a message today on fasting and the importance of fasting the thing in your life that gives you the most trouble. It was enough to get me back on track. Monday I made it through the day with no sugar. It was extremely hard the whole day, but I made it. (Thank you Jesus!) Today was different - we had a Pastor's lunch to attend and they served fast food for lunch. I was so proud of myself; I gave my brownie away! It really wasn't easy - I wanted to eat badly, but I'm trying to stay on track. It's time to realize the seriousness of my eating struggles. I felt good all day that I had made it over that test - until I realized that I had eaten the chicken sandwich! Hello!!! Buns are loaded with sugar! I was so upset I bought Burger King for dinner and ate that bun too! I know, I know - that's not what I should have done. It was just an excuse to do what I wanted to do. And pure laziness, since it was my night to cook and I didn't want to. Sorry! I'll just keep on going. So often I simply don't know what to do. I feel like I will never get free of this. But I know I can never give up. If I give up I will die. Maybe not immediately, but at some point - my food habits are killing me.
I so desparately want to be free, but I just don't seem to be able to figure out how to resist on a regular basis - for the rest of my life. Help me JESUS!!

I haven't been here lately. Why? I'm really not sure. Partly because time flies and I haven't seemed to be able to get here. Largely because my family is working off 1 computer now and with my hubby home, he has to have access as well. And partly because I haven't been to sure of what I was going to say.
Honestly, I haven't done very well lately. I made it through January and decided feb. 1st would be my treat day, and then it went into the weekend, and now I'm having a very hard time getting back on track. WHY?? I don't know. I so do not want to be in this bondage anymore. I hate it. I hate the sin. I hate the embarrassment. I just wish I could figure out how to break through. It seems that once it's in my head, all the reasons I have for changing my life fly out the window. I can't think of stuff like the fact that I'm killing myself with this addiction. Or that I don't honor god or my husband with the way I look. Or that I desire to jump around and have fun when I preach, but I can barely speak without getting out of breath. It seems that none of htis is strong enough when I'm thinking about food. What is it that has me tied so tightly that I have no sense of reason over food - something that should mean little or nothing to me is actually consuming my whole life.
I'm not giving up. I do not want my life to continue this way. I even went and found an accountability person thinking that was my next step, but I haven't called her or anything even once. If you read this and you believe that Jesus is the Son of God, please pray for me. I need breakthrough and I know God is able to bring me through. Don't give up. God's not finished yet.

Almost There

Only one day left in my month long fast from sugar! Over all I've done pretty well. Even the few times I gave in, I have not binged on sugar the entire month. OK, actually I have a very strong weakness for pizza and I over ate every time - 3 times we had pizza, 3 times I ate 3 pieces - 3 times I got extremely tired and considered throwing up to get rid of the calories. All in all, I think my efforts were quite successful. I know I made mistakes, but I hope that I made a difference. The main thing - I succeeded many more times than I failed and I pray that God will see the effort I made. Today was a win as far as I think. I had no lunch and was getting very hungry. Someone brought in a BEAUTIFUL cake that I wanted so badly, but I kept trying to resist. I also resisted the bologna sandwich that was offered, but I finally gave in to the sandwich. White bread - sugar, lunch meat - sugar, but better than being let loose in a convenient store when hungry! And I did not eat the cake!!!

I'm thinking about what I want to do as my next step. I think I'm going to try to find an accountability person to help me. I just do not want to throw away all the success I had. After all, there were several days that I ate healthy when the old me would have pigged out. I have also saved money since I haven't eaten out as much. fast food is kind of difficult when you can't eat bread! I've learned to love wraps though - they really are pretty good. Hopefully they're better for you than bread.

I'm down to 5 weeks before the women's conference. I want to keep going partially for my own freedom, but also because I really, REALLY want God to move at this conference MIGHTILY. I know He doesn't need anything from me to do that, but I also know the closer I am to Him, the more He can pour through. So my main focus in making these changes is a desire for greater intimacy with my Father, Jesus, and the Holy Spirit.

Failures & Successes

Another week has gone by. I was out of town for a couple days. I'm still doing well with the whole sugar thing. It has definitely gotten easier to resist - most of the time. I have realized there are situations that I need to stay away from. We were away at a conference at a hotel where the meals are set before you on plates, including dessert. I ate the rolls and dessert while we were there - one roll and dessert with dinner, one roll and dessert with lunch. Nothing for a normal person on a normal eating plan. But hindsight makes me think twice. I have set a plan that I would not eat sugar this month, and the bottom line is - it was my choice. I told myself it was OK because it was portioned and I couldn't overeat, but I made a choice and I have to live with that. I noticed a difference in me after lunch - the dessert was really rich and I got so sleepy about 30 minutes later. I'm convinced sugar operates just like a drug. I love being free from it - not that I'm totally free, but I know that I've made great progress compared to a month ago. Great breakthrough today! A wonderful lady at work brought homeade cookies and gave me 2 bags. Normally I would have eaten all of them at once. I put them out of sight and took them home to my family! did not even eat one! then, I went out to lunch with a girlfriend and did not eat any sugar. Thank you Jesus! I don't feel like I've gotten any smaller and I'm still eating several things that I shouldn't, but I still believe the best things is to keep working on small goals. I've had very little processed sugar this month and I haven't over eaten sugar at all, the important thing is to remember that I am making better choices for my health and my future. Please, any of you out there struggling with weight and/or eating issues - don't give up. You are beautiful and amazing whether you think so or not. God loves you and wants to bring you through this. He wants you to be victorious. Take a small step and keep going. I am right hear with you. I believe in you and God does to!

Catch Up

Time goes by to quick. I didn't even realize I'd missed so many days. I've had a rough few days. I'm still not eating sugar, but I've gotten away from the exercise. I just always feel like I have so much to do and I end up putting off the exercise until I eventually forget it or am just so exhausted. the bottom line is, these are excuses. What is important to me? What are my priorities? Resisting sweets has gotten easier. (OK, one day I ate 1 slice of banana bread.) Sometimes it seems like I'll never make it. I have so many issues besides an addiction to sugar. I truly eat way too much, I've noticed this weekend that my emotions affect very much my eating habits. I've stayed away from sugar, but my husband has had some struggles recently and left his job. I know it was the thing to do and I have inner peace, but my mind has been going and I found myself eating and eating and eating. I want to be free - I want to be healthy - sometimes it just seems impossible. It's now that I have to be very careful so that I don't give up. I know I have to realize that life changes take time. I try to keep reminding myself that I'm doing really well just eliminating the sugar for now.

I can see positive results. I don't know if my weight has changed because my scales don't work over 320 pounds, but I can see that I have a lot more energy than I use to have. I have been able to accomplish more than normal because I'm not so drugged up on sugar. This week I decided to turn the TV off also. It helps keep me moving which keeps me from feeding my face.

Pray with me - Father, Please strengthen me during this time of struggle. Bless my efforts and keep me focused. Help me to succeed so that I might honor you with my body and bring glory to you in this area of my life. Amen.

I don't want to

Wednesday wasn't anything special. I did OK. I ate sugar free oatmeal for breakfast, a chicken breast for lunch, ONE slice of cheese pizza (I know, crust is not good.) I made a roast in the crock pot for dinner, with red potatoes and green beans. Also, I didn't feel like exercising - my back and foot were hurting. But I needed to do SOMETHING, so I played tennis on my daughters WII for 30 minutes.

The good thing is I started having dedicated prayer time Wednesday morning. It was wonderful! I spent about 45 minutes with the Lord. I've missed that. We live in a very small house now and I always feel like there's no room to move around and I don't want to disturb anyone if I get loud. I feel very trapped when I can only pace in a small area. That's just me and you may wonder why I'm even discussing prayer on a weight and health blog. It''s because I think my relationship to God is key for success. See, I've tried on my own a bunch and I'm still fat. I know I can't do it on my own. But I believe God will strengthen me and see me through. Why hasn't He yet? Because I keep taking it back - throwing a temper trantrum like a little kid and demanding my own way. Prayer is important because it draws you closer to God, helps remove stress, and passes time.

Today went smoothly, but I can see where I'm starting to push the limits - I tasted spaghetti sauce that I knew had sugar in it and used salad dressing with sugar. I know it's not big things and for most people it wouldn't matter. But for me, it's like the start of a rebellion. I know how I work. Also, i just realized that I didn't work out today and it's 10 pm and I just don't want to work out. That's not the attitude I need to have. I thank God that I can look at myself honestly so I'm aware of where I'm heading if I don't get in check. Being honest (NOT CONDEMNING) is a good step toward any type of self improvement.

I'm going to lay down now. Hopefully I can jump back in tomorrow. I need to remember why it's so important to make this journey.

Victory!

Yesterday went much better. Failure truly isn't final - as long as we keep getting back up, keep going forward. Remember, yesterday I couldn't resist pizza. Today we had a staff meeting and when I walked in I panicked. On the table were large boxes of assorted holiday cookies. Beautiful cookies with frostings and sprinkles and all kinds of good (or bad!) stuff. Of course one box sat right in front of my chair. I wanted one so badly. I could hear the enemy so clearly tempting me "just one, eat one, one won't hurt you." I have learned enough to know that I can't eat one - I would have eaten 3 at LEAST and then took a bunch home with me - and eaten most of them in the car before I got home. One of my favorite things use to be eating in the car. That way my husband wouldn't know how much I was really eating and I wouldn't have to share with my child.
(Hey, no one said honest is always nice - truth is truth and if we don't face it we can't change it.)

So I sat at the meeting for an hour and a half staring at those cookies, wanting to bing so badly, knowing I couldn't touch even one. About half way through the meeting, everyone at the other end of the table decided they had eaten enough and sent the other box to my side. Of course it came to rest right in front of me - right next to the other one. All the cookies, right at my seat, and I did not touch even one!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Thank you Jesus!

I ate an egg burrito and some hash browns for breakfast, a chicken breast for lunch, and a chicken breast and a few french fries for dinner. I know potatoes aren't the best, but as I said, this step is just to stay away from processed sugar. If God put the sugar in it, I'm not concerned. Fat and quantity will come later. Overeaters are used to quick satisfaction - we want to feel good NOW! Taking away too much at once will feel like punishment and I would very likely quit. I'm reading a book right now that recommends the exercise before changing any eating habits. Personally, I don't think it would work for me - after eating I often had no energy and would have to lay down and do nothing. I think I was eating sugar to the point that my body produced large amounts of glucose and I became comatose - I've often said sugar is my drug and I really am affected by it. So I don't think I could have ate hte way I use to and maintained a workout schedule. It was hard getting back to exercise after having 2 days off. Today was really busy and I had to come home from staff meeting and get right on the treadmill for 30 minutes and then run to help my husband at work until after 10 pm. I'm learning how exercise has to become a choice that we make priority. Otherwise we will always put it off.

I thought I would not be able to accomplish much when I started this because I would be so consumed with all it takes to develop new habits, but I'm actually maintaining - possibly even getting more done than usual. One, I'm more alert - don't get that groggy and I seem to have more energy - most of the time.

Failure isn't final

I've got to get more disciplined about writing every day. especially seeing as how this is about eating issues and addictions and I'm learning very quickly that my struggles can vary greatly from one day to the next. My purpose really is to simply be very real in hopes that here you will find encouragement to be yourself, find the support of others and realize that you are not alone and there is hope for your situation.

So here goes my straight up honesty - Monday - I failed. Actually, I don't consider anything failure - except giving up. Each trial, each event is a learning experience. The important thing is to look honestly at the situation and find what you can discover about yourself - what you need to know to help you pass the next test. Here's the perfect example. My husband and I work for the same ministry. Monday the office was going to celebrate his birthday so I bought him ice cream cake and we ordered pizza. I told myself I could resist the ice cream, but as soon as pizza was ordered I knew there was no way I was eating salad. I told myself I could eat one piece and leave the crust and things would be pretty much OK. Well, I ate 2 pieces and a slice of cheese bread, and then went back for a third piece. I was so full by then that I had to stuff the third piece down. I knew I was once again out of control, hiding in the kitchen, eating as fast as I could before my stomach stopped me. Then I had ice cream cake to. I tried to leave the frosting but ate that also. Yes, now you know not only am I a sugar addict, but I also have a problem with binging - and sometimes purging. I thought I would just make myself sick - then everything woul be OK - no calories in my system, no sugar, no stuffed feeling that I hate so much. However, I got busy and put it off and the next time I realized, I was no longer full. I don't know about anyone else, but I can not throw up unless I'm really stuffed. Usually I will down as much water as possible to make it easier. Yes, I have a problem. Again, I'm not posting this to glamorize my disorders, but because I believe God is going to set me free and I want you to know that freedom as well. I want you to desire that freedom for yourself. I don't want to lose 200 pounds and come out looking perfect and tell you you can do it to. Instead, I want to succeed right alonside you, share your failures and mine, as well as the successes.

Here's the upside. I had prayer Monday night and during prayer I realized I was not hungry. So I decided to skip dinner. When I got home and my honey had cooked, it was hard. The smell made my stomach growl, but I knew I was reacting to scent and not actual hunger so I resisted. I ate a handful of carrots and a diet soda and made it through the night, which made up for some of hte earlier calories.

the thing we can learn - even though I felt better after one week - I was not yet free of my bondage to food. I can not eat in moderation at this time. So I need to realize that just like an alcoholic with alcohol, one will not be enough. If I can learn this BEFORE I eat one, then perhaps I can keep this from happening again. Pray for me - I really want to be free.

I got on the computer early and got engrossed so I didn't eat until after noon as I didn't realize the time until I actually got hungry. Personally, I don't think I did that well today. I didn't fail according to my goals, but I didn't do my best. I want to strive for potential every day, not just get by. Today I just got by. I kept thinking I needed to work out. I did my 5 days in a row and now get 2 off, but it seemed strange to not be walking. I was surprised that one week made that much difference. Imagine how I'll feel in a month! It's important to grasp those little changes as they come, because it will be awhile before I notice weight loss. I weigh too much for any noticeable difference to happen overnight. Besides, the real focus is to honor god with my body and make healthy changes. I'm trusting God that weight will come off, but that can't be the focus. Especially if you have a lot of weight to lose. Focusing on the scale can lead to discouragement and giving up. Look for the small changes in your body that show progress. Get excited about them!! Your body is responding to the steps you're taking.

Today is my hubby's Birthday. That was scary for me since I didn't trust myself to buy him a cake. (We usually get him a cookie cake since it's his fav.) He wanted to go out to dinner, but then changed his mind. I haven't told him what I'm doing, but he's starting to notice how I'm staying away from bad choices. He told me tonight he's proud of me! I'm blessed to have him. Anyway, we skipped cake and he got ice cream that I can't eat, but we found sugar free ice cream for me so I didn't have to suffer! Ate nachos and salsa con queso for dinner. Not exactly healthy, but NO Sugar!! As I've said before, I believe we have to make steps - take away everything at once and we quit shortly after. That's why I'm not focusing on how much I eat or the fatter foods at this time - my focus is to break the addiction I have to white sugar and develop an exercise routine - that's it. For now.

I feel like I failed simply because I did not do much of anything today. A lot like yesterday, I sat around with my family. I was on the computer all day, but I just feel like I should have been moving around. And I ate 6 chicken nuggets - they were real, not processed, but there was sugar listed in the ingredients. I'm realizing sight is a large part of my temptation. I don't crave it when it's not there, but it is very hard to ignore when it's in front of me. Still, last week I would have eaten about 20 and lots of other stuff as well so I'm still on top and still going strong. I hope you're there with me.

Make a decision. What change can you decide to make right now to better your life? Write it down and write all the reasons you can think of to stick to your choice. When temptation comes you need to know why you can't give in.

Later.

Day 5

OK, yes I think I'll stop counting the days soon. Today was hard. Being home with the family is my hardest time I think. We didn't do much today and my schedule was thrown off, so I sat around and watched TV and did some computer work. Bad thing to do. I knew I should be moving around, staying busy, but it is so much harder when there are people in the house doing nothing. However, the bottom line is that is just another excuse. I will always be able to come up with excuses, but am I going to fall for those excuses and go back to killing myself with my bad habits? Are other people's habits worth my life, health, and future?

OK, so it seems I've learned a lesson. That means today was worthwhile. I have made a choice to reach for my potential - to strive to be my best for God, myself, and my family. Not everyone is going to make the same choice, but that cannot stop me. It's funny when I think about potential, I know I can do better than I've been doing, but I have a feeling that I will surprise myself as this journey continues. What about you? Are you sitting there thinking that you don't have potential, that you can never change, life is just what it is and you can't do much about it? I disagree. If you are not living the way you know you should, if you are not honoring God with your eating habits, if you're not treating your body like the temple that it is, then you are living beneath your potential. Whether you feel like it or not, you are special, wonderful, a unique creation with value beyond what you can imagine. After all, the God of the universe sent His Son to die for YOU! Make the decision to begin making healthy changes in your life - it's worth it.

I ate too much today, but I did not eat any sugar that I know of. I did however eat a whole can of low fat pringles throughout the day. No sugar, but still not a good choice. I had an omelet for breakfast, 3 diet cokes, the chips, 5 green olives, some baby carrots, fish, and California veggies. Wow, I thought I had done much worse, but really it wasn't bad except for the chips. The important thing is I stuck to the goal that I've set for myself - no processed sugar.

The other goal I'm doing is exercise 5 times a week for 30 minutes. I would suggest only making one goal at a time to make it easier to stick to, but I am just tired of being the way I use to be. Besides, I need something to do instead of eating! anyway, the exercise has been the hardest part. I have so much going on in a day that it has always been easy for me to ignore exercise and have 30 minutes more to work, so I know it's important that I make this change. This week I have forced myself to walk fast for 30 minutes each day. Today was my 5th day, but the day slipped by and before I realized it, it was 10:45 pm and we were running to Wal-Mart and I still hadn't worked out. Immediately I began making excuses; "I walk tomorrow, one day later won't make a difference." However I know that if i start compromising, it's usually a downfall soon to come. So I made the decision to get my 30 minute workout. While my family was at Wal-Mart (see my other blog for the whole story), I walked the circumference of the store for 30 minutes. It was only 2 trips around. I did not get out of breath as much as I normally do, but the point is, I stuck to the goal I've set and that feels amazing. In just 5 days, I feel healthier. I know I look the same, but I feel better and that's what matters. When you feel healthy, you begin to behave healthy. I noticed tonight, that I'm not desiring junk food at all. Although I do need to back off the diet cokes or I'll end up with another addiction!

I am so excited about the future. Wherever you're at, make a decision and get started. Have a hard time sticking to things alone? write and let me know what goals you've set. I'm here for you!

Day 4

I made it through another day. Praise God! It wasn't too difficult today. It's hard at work sometimes because there are chocolates laying all over still from Christmas, but I know that I cannot give in. I have made a decision to change my life and to fast processed sugar for this whole month and I am going to do it! Being a sugar addict, I think about all the foods I would like to indulge in, but where would that get me? I can see other areas that need work as well. I still eat more than I should and I still desire to be eating all the time. But I am not going to overwhelm myself all at once. I am making changes and change will produce results. For right now, my main focus is to break the desire for sugar.

I have found that there are quite a few things I can still have. Some things make living without sugar easier, like corn, potatoes, and tomatoes. That's because these foods have sugar in them, but it's natural not processed. I'm not denying any of God's food at this point and I haven't been eating corn and potatoes like I used to eat cookies! I try to keep those foods to a minimum since I am trying to lose weight.

Tonight wasn't to bad. My wonderful husband made dinner: pork chops, white rice, and corn. I don't eat white rice, but I wasn't about to disappoint my hubby - he doesn't cook very often. (And he doesn't really know yet that I'm determined this time!) No suger in white rice, it's just that it's processed and brown rice is so much better for you. I just made sure to stay away from seconds, although I ate 2 pieces of meat because it was on my plate. So tonight I asked dear hubby that when he cooks again, to serve my food on the salad plate so I'm not tempted to eat as much. Our regular plates are HUGE! I've also discovered that I need to have someone else put the food away after dinner or I'm tempted to eat half the leftovers before they make it into containers. If you don't have people to help with this then think about ways to stay successful. For example, if I remind myself of some of the reasons WHY I'm sticking to this, and get up as soon as I've finished eating, put the food away immediately, then do dishes, then sit down with a glass of water, I do better than if I sit at the table for awhile or do half the dishes first. Find what works for you and follow it. It may be necessary to cook small amounts to not have leftovers. Personally, I cook extra meat so I can use it for lunches and salads later.

Don't give up! I'll be back tomorrow. You ARE worth it!

Day 2 & 3

So sorry I missed those days. My intention is to write everyday even if it's short. After all, those of us struggling with weight issues struggle everday. Some days are easier than others, but the bottom line is that we are confronted or tempted every single day. My desire is to provide support for you every day. A place for you to leave comments, let me know how you feel, questions you have, suggestions for others. I hope to be an encouragement for you. I want you to know that you are not alone. I am not 120 pound, size zero telling you how to lose weight. I weigh well over 300 pounds and am right here, struggliing through each day with you. Believe me, if I can do it, so can you.



Today is day 4 and I'm still on track. On day 2, I ordered a greek salad with grilled chicken on pita for lunch. I don't usually eat pita bread so I thought it would be easy to throw away. It wasn't. I'm so addicted to sugars that I ate 1/4 of the pita and thought it was wonderful. Also, there happened to be potato salad in my greek salad which I wasn't expecting and when I discovered it, I ate it. (Mayonaise has sugar, so no potato salad from restaurants.) But here is the lesson, I did not go on a guilt trip and eat whatever I wanted the rest of the day. Instead, I repented (because my offering was to fast sugar and I had failed) and continued the rest of the day without failure. It is so important that you learn to stop being so hard on yourself. Get rid of the all or nothing attitude - we are human - we slip. However, keep a healthy balance or you'll excuse yourself right into complete failure.

Day 3 was harder for me. I found I wasn't hungry in the morning so I had to force myself to eat breakfast - cheese and sausage 2 egg omelet - yum! (By the way, beef sausage links don't add sugar but pork and turkey both do - check your ingredients!) My husband came home from Minnesota today and as soon as he got home I wanted to eat. What is that about? Why do I feel the urge to eat when my family's around so much more than when I'm alone. Is it because I keep busy when there's no one around? Or am I self conscious or uncomfortable when they are home? HMMMM..... that's one to meditate on and look for some self discovery. I did manage to stay on track all day. Was really craving sweets tonight so I made sugar free cheesecake pudding and that worked perfectly!

Expect to stick to the guidelines you've set, but don't quit if you mess up. You are too important to give up. God loves you and He wants you to live healthy. This is your time. It's never too late to make good changes. (As long as you're still breathing!) Keep going! I'll return tonight to discuss day 4

Day One

Hello. I have decided to take the plunge. I am seriously over weight and I want to do something about it. So, I'll post it here for all to see. I have struggled with weight all of my adult life (and much of my childhood). I way almost 350 pounds and I hate looking in the mirror. I knoew I was big before, but I could still do things that other over weight people couldn't do so I kept telling my self it wasn't a problem. However, I'm 39 years old and I'm starting to have problems. I get out of breath very easy. My knees hurt when I walk. I get other pains here and there. Things that I didn't expect to bother me until much later. I figure if I'm this bad now, how will I survive the next 40 years. There are so many things I want to do in life, so many dreams I have, and many of them are difficult if not impossible due to my weight. I want to live with passion. I want to pursue destiny freely. I want the energy to accomplish so much more than I do right now. Being over weight is never an excuse to stop living - or enjoying life, but I have to admit that it is a road block in some areas. I am starting by fasting processed sugar for one month. It's only 31 days. This is my first fruits offering to God - for the year, for my health, and for the conference I'm hosting in March.

I hope that you will join me in this journey. I look forward to hearing from others out there who feel as frustrated as I do. Together, we may accomplish something that we haven't been able to do thus far. Not that you have to do what I do, just start somewhere. What can you give up for a specific period of time? What is one thing that you could begin to phase out of your daily intake? Soda? Chips? Lack of exercise? Pick something and let's move forward. Victory is waiting!