Failure isn't final

I've got to get more disciplined about writing every day. especially seeing as how this is about eating issues and addictions and I'm learning very quickly that my struggles can vary greatly from one day to the next. My purpose really is to simply be very real in hopes that here you will find encouragement to be yourself, find the support of others and realize that you are not alone and there is hope for your situation.

So here goes my straight up honesty - Monday - I failed. Actually, I don't consider anything failure - except giving up. Each trial, each event is a learning experience. The important thing is to look honestly at the situation and find what you can discover about yourself - what you need to know to help you pass the next test. Here's the perfect example. My husband and I work for the same ministry. Monday the office was going to celebrate his birthday so I bought him ice cream cake and we ordered pizza. I told myself I could resist the ice cream, but as soon as pizza was ordered I knew there was no way I was eating salad. I told myself I could eat one piece and leave the crust and things would be pretty much OK. Well, I ate 2 pieces and a slice of cheese bread, and then went back for a third piece. I was so full by then that I had to stuff the third piece down. I knew I was once again out of control, hiding in the kitchen, eating as fast as I could before my stomach stopped me. Then I had ice cream cake to. I tried to leave the frosting but ate that also. Yes, now you know not only am I a sugar addict, but I also have a problem with binging - and sometimes purging. I thought I would just make myself sick - then everything woul be OK - no calories in my system, no sugar, no stuffed feeling that I hate so much. However, I got busy and put it off and the next time I realized, I was no longer full. I don't know about anyone else, but I can not throw up unless I'm really stuffed. Usually I will down as much water as possible to make it easier. Yes, I have a problem. Again, I'm not posting this to glamorize my disorders, but because I believe God is going to set me free and I want you to know that freedom as well. I want you to desire that freedom for yourself. I don't want to lose 200 pounds and come out looking perfect and tell you you can do it to. Instead, I want to succeed right alonside you, share your failures and mine, as well as the successes.

Here's the upside. I had prayer Monday night and during prayer I realized I was not hungry. So I decided to skip dinner. When I got home and my honey had cooked, it was hard. The smell made my stomach growl, but I knew I was reacting to scent and not actual hunger so I resisted. I ate a handful of carrots and a diet soda and made it through the night, which made up for some of hte earlier calories.

the thing we can learn - even though I felt better after one week - I was not yet free of my bondage to food. I can not eat in moderation at this time. So I need to realize that just like an alcoholic with alcohol, one will not be enough. If I can learn this BEFORE I eat one, then perhaps I can keep this from happening again. Pray for me - I really want to be free.