Confession

Why is it that when we're doing well, we want everyone to know and when we're failing, we keep it to ourselves? It's been 2 weeks since I've written. I'm always suprised at how fast time goes by, but I know the last week, I've avoided blogging because I want to say something better than what I have to say. However, my husband says it's about my failures as well as my successes so here I am to tell the world that I failed this week.

Wow. Why does that word bring a feeling of shame? Let me rephrase that - I don't believe that we ever really fail if we keep our walk in Jesus because "we know that all things work together for good to those who love God, to those who are the called according to His purpose." I have not failed because here I am to write about it and learn from it. A more accurate statement would be that I have struggled greatly the past 2 weeks and had almost given up the last couple of days.

2 weeks ago I was doing okay with my eating. I had increased my calories somewhat and when I would go over, I simply stopped writing in my food journal. Last weekend we had an event to do, so I was out all day and gave in to the urge to eat mall food - not low in calories or high in nutrition! But I shared with a friend my struggle and how I was needing accounatability to get through this time in my journey. That friend offered to be my accountability. They are very disciplined in what they eat and we made an agreement that I would show him my food journal on Fridays. But by Sunday I was standing at the fridge eating, with something in the microwave and looking for something else - OLD behavior. So I threw away all the bad or tempting food I found and prepared to get back on track. This week started much better. In fact, I had a great week for the most part - I fit in cardio every day, I strength trained Tuesday and Thursday, I kept my food journal. But I'm struggling to bring my eating back to the guidelines I had before. I went over on my calories a little Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday. Thursday we had a mandatory meeting at work that didn't end til after 9 p.m. We were hungry and pizza is my weekness. As soon as my hubby suggested it, it stuck in my head. I ate my whole days calories at dinner that night. Friday I did great and decided to cut back daily intake to make up for the pizza. But then I didn't measure dinner so I probly went over again.

But Saturday is when my trouble began. I was up early and tired when I got home. The desire to eat was so strong that I didn't even try to fight it. I was in a fashion show at Fashion Bug. I guess since it's a large size store they treat models different - they had breadsticks, ziti, zmoothies, etc. I told myself over and over before I went that I would maintain. In fact, the last one I was at, I didn't eat ANYTHING the entire time. This time was not so good. And when I came home I kept eating - most of the day I ate. I hated what I was doing. Finally I came clean with my husband and told him EVERYTHING I had eaten and all my behaviors. I've never been completely honest like that before. I wanted him to be aware of what was happening. I don't want to go backwards and I don't want to disappoint him either.

Today we had a dinner at church - I honestly dread things like that because it's so hard to keep control with people pushing you to eat more, more, more. Today ended up like yesterday. And then I reached a point where I just cried out to God. The thoughts kept saying wait til tomorrow, but I couldn't wait anymore. The bible talks about a empty house and 7 more returning with the one that left. I know people have different opinions on deliverance, but I personally have felt freedom in my eating and how much harder it was to resist when I gave in the to temptations. I have felt 7 times stronger and I never want to be there again. So I cried out to God to help me. I don't want to desire food. I want to only eat when I need food. My first thought on bloggin was to wait until tomorrow when I have positive things to say, but James 5:16 says "Therefore confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed. The prayer of a righteous man is powerful and effective."

So here I am confessing that I need prayer. Confessing my struggles, my downfalls, and my desires. Making myself accounatble to others. I'm not giving up, I'm reaching out. I was flipping through TV the other day and caught a portion of Pulp Fiction. Samuel Jackson and John Travolta were in an apartment dealing with 3 guys for something. Samuel Jackson picks up this guys fast food burger and says he's always wanted to try this restaurant. He takes a bite and offers it to John Travolta who says, "I'm not hungry." Most people think nothing of that, but to me it was monumental. THAT's my prayer. That food would not even be the slightest thought unless I was actually hungry! Father, the next time I desire food, let me remember to notice whether or not I'm actually hungry. Amen.

If you're reading this and you have a relationship with the God of Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob - please say I prayer for me.

Perfect Strength

My trainer cancelled today; said he wasn't feeling well.  It was strange having Saturday off.  This was the first Saturday we haven't met since I started working out.  I've not been motivated this week at all so I was really needing this workout.  Of course I didn't take the motivation to work out on my own.  My husband came through today.  He walked over a mile with me.  We jogged one street of our walk.  That was cool.  I need to remember how thrilling it feels when I jog farther than I have ever before.  That's what gets me back out there.  I've been so off track this week.  I walked 2 miles Thursday and worked out super hard with my trainer Tuesday night.  That was about it for the entire week!  Getting refocused.  I wish I had accountability to get me to the YMCA.  I have a membership, just haven't been able to push past the self conscious fear to try something new.  I really should.  It's just hard to do new things by yourself sometimes.  Plus I'm not sure if I'm ready for group stuff - what if I can't keep up with anyone else yet?  But it's not about them, it's about me.  I need to keep going for myself.  Easier said than done.

Spent some time praying last night and today.  I've realized lately that I haven't been relying on God as much as I was before.  That's a dangerous place to be - old thought patterns quickly try to sneak back in.  "Don't count calories today, just eat what you want, finish your meal even though your not hungry, don't throw that away, yada yada yada.  It can be very easy to slip back into those patterns.  The ONLY way I have found to maintain my freedom is to run to God.  To hide behind Him, to rely on His perfect strength.  Already I feel stronger.  It works.  Tonight I wanted to eat extra.  I've been praying, "God, be my perfect strength." It's working.  Here I am - not at the fridge.  His strength is made perfect in my weakness." Thank you Jesus!

Failure isn't final

I've got to get more disciplined about writing every day. especially seeing as how this is about eating issues and addictions and I'm learning very quickly that my struggles can vary greatly from one day to the next. My purpose really is to simply be very real in hopes that here you will find encouragement to be yourself, find the support of others and realize that you are not alone and there is hope for your situation.

So here goes my straight up honesty - Monday - I failed. Actually, I don't consider anything failure - except giving up. Each trial, each event is a learning experience. The important thing is to look honestly at the situation and find what you can discover about yourself - what you need to know to help you pass the next test. Here's the perfect example. My husband and I work for the same ministry. Monday the office was going to celebrate his birthday so I bought him ice cream cake and we ordered pizza. I told myself I could resist the ice cream, but as soon as pizza was ordered I knew there was no way I was eating salad. I told myself I could eat one piece and leave the crust and things would be pretty much OK. Well, I ate 2 pieces and a slice of cheese bread, and then went back for a third piece. I was so full by then that I had to stuff the third piece down. I knew I was once again out of control, hiding in the kitchen, eating as fast as I could before my stomach stopped me. Then I had ice cream cake to. I tried to leave the frosting but ate that also. Yes, now you know not only am I a sugar addict, but I also have a problem with binging - and sometimes purging. I thought I would just make myself sick - then everything woul be OK - no calories in my system, no sugar, no stuffed feeling that I hate so much. However, I got busy and put it off and the next time I realized, I was no longer full. I don't know about anyone else, but I can not throw up unless I'm really stuffed. Usually I will down as much water as possible to make it easier. Yes, I have a problem. Again, I'm not posting this to glamorize my disorders, but because I believe God is going to set me free and I want you to know that freedom as well. I want you to desire that freedom for yourself. I don't want to lose 200 pounds and come out looking perfect and tell you you can do it to. Instead, I want to succeed right alonside you, share your failures and mine, as well as the successes.

Here's the upside. I had prayer Monday night and during prayer I realized I was not hungry. So I decided to skip dinner. When I got home and my honey had cooked, it was hard. The smell made my stomach growl, but I knew I was reacting to scent and not actual hunger so I resisted. I ate a handful of carrots and a diet soda and made it through the night, which made up for some of hte earlier calories.

the thing we can learn - even though I felt better after one week - I was not yet free of my bondage to food. I can not eat in moderation at this time. So I need to realize that just like an alcoholic with alcohol, one will not be enough. If I can learn this BEFORE I eat one, then perhaps I can keep this from happening again. Pray for me - I really want to be free.