Come boldly before the throne

Wow. I had no idea it has been 2 months since I wrote. I think that's what I say every time. No wonder very few people read my ramblings. That's ok, I'm heading back to where I belong. It's really hard to write when you don't have positive things to say. I guess that's why it's been so long. That and time flying by while I work to get myself correct. Warning - this is long - it's time to let everything out.

SO - here I am. It's been a hard 6 months. I won't lie. I honestly have gone to places I never thought I would go to ever again. I've revisited places of darkness that I thought were long past me. I hear the lying judgmental voices even as I write this. The voices that say I should not be so open, that people will never see me as a minister if I write these things, even the voices that say I have no right to be in ministry because I'm such a mess. But I write this anyway. And I thank God that I've come to a place where I really don't care anymore. I don't care what other "minister's" think of me. I don't care if I'm judged. I don't care if I'm never asked to preach anywhere again. (ok, I do care - my heart is to preach and I would miss that terribly - but it won't shut me up!) The enemy is a liar and there is no truth in him. If you read this and would think similar things, then reread the previous sentence. I am in ministry because God has called me to be - not because my life is right or because I'm who I should be - but because He chose me. I don't think my occupation defines what I should or should not go through. I didn't ask for this or expect it and I certainly didn't do anything to deserve it. But I'm glad God allowed this in my life. Here's my story.

For those who know me, my life hasn't gotten continuously better for several years now. The one thing I've battled throughout is my weight and a compulsive eating disorder. On October 3, 2009 I was set free of that and in 6 months time I lost 80 pounds. I started working with a personal trainer who became like a little brother to me, started jogging and working out. Things were great. I loved my job as a youth pastor and recovery center minister, my new life, and who I was becoming. Then in May 2010 we visited Phoenix Arizona and fell in love with the state. My hubby and I knew that God was calling us there and within 2 months He had provided everything we needed to move. I didn't cost us one penny. We arrived in Phoenix July 31, 2010. And everything changed.

Within a week of being here, the ministry we came to work for was turned over to us - literally signed into our names and suddenly we were running a recovery program. A program that had no curriculum, no structure, and no money. My husband became very busy. The ministry couldn't pay us and he didn't have time for an outside job, so finances were a major issue. On top of that, I had left every friend, my church, my trainer, my job - everything I had know for the last 12 years was gone. I started struggling with depression. I recognized it because I'd battled it as a teen and young adult. I lost all motivation to exercise. I didn't seem to connect with the people in this program like I had back home. After a couple of verbal attacks from people, I quit having any role and left the whole thing to my husband. I knew being the lead ministers meant dealing with difficult people, but I never knew the depth. (For example, one client had a fit that I wore new shoes one day - how was it right for me to have new shoes if she didn't have money for new shoes. True story!) I sunk so deep that I didn't even want to go out of my house. The only comfort I had was food and I quickly gained 30 pounds back in 6 months time. I didn't want to go to church, I felt totally alone. My husband couldn't understand and I couldn't explain it. I became so depressed that it scared me. I hadn't felt such hopelessness since my teen years. My food was out of control and I became severely bulimic again for the first time in 16 years. I felt like God wasn't answering me. I wanted to die. Yes, I really wanted to die. I thought it a few times. How badly I wanted to drive my car into a concrete wall and just have everything be over. I'm not saying it was right. I'm saying it was true.

God never gives us more than we can handle. right? He intervened a few times. I can see that now. A couple times while I was going through motions - pray write, worship right, talk right - He would get a message to me that would shake me up a bit. But sometimes you just have to be ready to. I said I didn't know how to get out of the pit, but honestly I don't think I wanted out of the pit. It was easier to hide in the dark than actually take responsibility for making new friends, eating write, stepping out in ministry, etc. That old scary darkness was at least vaguely familiar and therefore better than the unknown. Better than being judged by others. I knew I had been happier back home but I couldn't figure out why those things weren't working for me know. I happened to pick up a book one day browsing through a closing Borders called "Regaining Your Self". And God began to answer my cries for help. As I read it made perfect sense. I think I will save that for another day because this will be long enough already. And I finished the book "No Regrets" by my favorite speed track skater - Apolo Ohno. The break truly came one day when everything in me wanted to eat. I had decided once again to through my day away - eat til I was full and hang out on the couch, but first I needed to read the devotion for the day (I think it was March 8).

Let us therefore come boldly to the throne of grace, that we may obtain mercy and find grace to help in time of need. Hebrews 4:16. How many times do we read a scripture and it means absolutely nothing and then one moment - the right moment - God will take His Word and smack us over the head with it. I read this one simple sentence and broke. I cried. I prayed. It was like a light came on in the room and I suddenly thought - I have as much right as every other person who has ever existed to simply walk up to the throne of God and ask for help. So I did. I told Him how sorry I was for slipping so far away. And I thanked Him for His mercy and grace. And I asked Him to help me. Then I got up and walked away - away from the kitchen, away from depression, away from the lies of the enemy. God usually doesn't take it away - at least with me He doesn't. He gives us the tools, but we have to use them. God is faithful. He didn't let Joseph die in the pit, He didn't let me die there, and He won't let you wither. He'll send a way out - but it is up to us to actually take what is given us and run with it. The throne has always been there - waiting and open for us to come boldly - to receive grace and mercy - help and forgiveness - but we have to come. Every day I have to make the choice to take that grace that God has given. Every day I have to choose to walk away from the kitchen, to set goals, to fight depression. His grace is there to help us, if we are willing to use it.

So I'm back on track. I've learned so much more, but that is another blog. I've lost 10 pounds. I'm confronting some things that are long over due. But He is faithful to complete the good work He started. Maybe I needed to come here - to go through what I've gone through - to reach another place. I'm ready.

Confession

Why is it that when we're doing well, we want everyone to know and when we're failing, we keep it to ourselves? It's been 2 weeks since I've written. I'm always suprised at how fast time goes by, but I know the last week, I've avoided blogging because I want to say something better than what I have to say. However, my husband says it's about my failures as well as my successes so here I am to tell the world that I failed this week.

Wow. Why does that word bring a feeling of shame? Let me rephrase that - I don't believe that we ever really fail if we keep our walk in Jesus because "we know that all things work together for good to those who love God, to those who are the called according to His purpose." I have not failed because here I am to write about it and learn from it. A more accurate statement would be that I have struggled greatly the past 2 weeks and had almost given up the last couple of days.

2 weeks ago I was doing okay with my eating. I had increased my calories somewhat and when I would go over, I simply stopped writing in my food journal. Last weekend we had an event to do, so I was out all day and gave in to the urge to eat mall food - not low in calories or high in nutrition! But I shared with a friend my struggle and how I was needing accounatability to get through this time in my journey. That friend offered to be my accountability. They are very disciplined in what they eat and we made an agreement that I would show him my food journal on Fridays. But by Sunday I was standing at the fridge eating, with something in the microwave and looking for something else - OLD behavior. So I threw away all the bad or tempting food I found and prepared to get back on track. This week started much better. In fact, I had a great week for the most part - I fit in cardio every day, I strength trained Tuesday and Thursday, I kept my food journal. But I'm struggling to bring my eating back to the guidelines I had before. I went over on my calories a little Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday. Thursday we had a mandatory meeting at work that didn't end til after 9 p.m. We were hungry and pizza is my weekness. As soon as my hubby suggested it, it stuck in my head. I ate my whole days calories at dinner that night. Friday I did great and decided to cut back daily intake to make up for the pizza. But then I didn't measure dinner so I probly went over again.

But Saturday is when my trouble began. I was up early and tired when I got home. The desire to eat was so strong that I didn't even try to fight it. I was in a fashion show at Fashion Bug. I guess since it's a large size store they treat models different - they had breadsticks, ziti, zmoothies, etc. I told myself over and over before I went that I would maintain. In fact, the last one I was at, I didn't eat ANYTHING the entire time. This time was not so good. And when I came home I kept eating - most of the day I ate. I hated what I was doing. Finally I came clean with my husband and told him EVERYTHING I had eaten and all my behaviors. I've never been completely honest like that before. I wanted him to be aware of what was happening. I don't want to go backwards and I don't want to disappoint him either.

Today we had a dinner at church - I honestly dread things like that because it's so hard to keep control with people pushing you to eat more, more, more. Today ended up like yesterday. And then I reached a point where I just cried out to God. The thoughts kept saying wait til tomorrow, but I couldn't wait anymore. The bible talks about a empty house and 7 more returning with the one that left. I know people have different opinions on deliverance, but I personally have felt freedom in my eating and how much harder it was to resist when I gave in the to temptations. I have felt 7 times stronger and I never want to be there again. So I cried out to God to help me. I don't want to desire food. I want to only eat when I need food. My first thought on bloggin was to wait until tomorrow when I have positive things to say, but James 5:16 says "Therefore confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed. The prayer of a righteous man is powerful and effective."

So here I am confessing that I need prayer. Confessing my struggles, my downfalls, and my desires. Making myself accounatble to others. I'm not giving up, I'm reaching out. I was flipping through TV the other day and caught a portion of Pulp Fiction. Samuel Jackson and John Travolta were in an apartment dealing with 3 guys for something. Samuel Jackson picks up this guys fast food burger and says he's always wanted to try this restaurant. He takes a bite and offers it to John Travolta who says, "I'm not hungry." Most people think nothing of that, but to me it was monumental. THAT's my prayer. That food would not even be the slightest thought unless I was actually hungry! Father, the next time I desire food, let me remember to notice whether or not I'm actually hungry. Amen.

If you're reading this and you have a relationship with the God of Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob - please say I prayer for me.

Little Things Matter

I am learning to find little ways to increase my activity and raise my self esteem.  As hard as it is to spend time on myself, I must admit that I feel good when I do good things for me.  I have to remember these things when I feel down.  I'm realizing there are little things I can do to make a difference.  For example, I walk to work a few times during the week.  I throw (or gently place!) my laptop in a backpack, add my lunch, water, snacks, and any paperwork I need.  Squeeze in a cute pair of shoes and I'm out the door.  Today I started down the road and thought, "This backpack is kinda heavy; maybe I should just drive."  Then I remembered that I've recently lost 40 pounds and my backpack is much less than that so I can handle this!  As I walked the 15 minute journey to the office, I remembered the first time I took this trip.  About a year ago, I walked it one time with my daughter.  I had not even made it half way before my back was hurting and I was exhausted.  Now I can walk the whole thing.  Sometimes I walk home to!!  I am blessed with an awesome husband that picks me up when I don't want to make the return trip, but thed important thing is to find little things that will increase your dailt activity.  Here are some of the changes I've made:

I park at the end of the parking lot at Wal Mart.  No more circling around looking for close spots.  (This is probably faster anyway!!)  Sometimes I will jog to the entrance to for some added exercise.  I try to walk faster while I'm in the store.  I work on holding my stomach muscles and core tight while I'm at work.  Even though I sit most of the time, I can add to my health my squeezing those muscles!  I take the stairs instead of the elevator.  I know, I know, we've heard that before, but it works!  Not long ago, I could not walk up one flight of stairs without being extremely out of breath.  Now I make it up with no problem.  And I'm still considered morbidly obese!!  Trust me, your heart will respond to any attempts to strengthen it - regardless of how big you are.  Now PLEASE if you have health problems - seek the advise of a doctor or get their opinion on anything I tell you - just to be safe.  So, if you get up one flight of stairs and need to use the bathroom (to hide while you catch your breath so no one will see how bad it is!) just remember this.  Everytime you do that, every time you push through - you are stepping closer to the day when you will make that climb and still be able to breathe normally!  And you will be shouting on the inside when you realize it has happened!

So what small differences have you made to increase your activity?  Share your ideas . . .