Come boldly before the throne

Wow. I had no idea it has been 2 months since I wrote. I think that's what I say every time. No wonder very few people read my ramblings. That's ok, I'm heading back to where I belong. It's really hard to write when you don't have positive things to say. I guess that's why it's been so long. That and time flying by while I work to get myself correct. Warning - this is long - it's time to let everything out.

SO - here I am. It's been a hard 6 months. I won't lie. I honestly have gone to places I never thought I would go to ever again. I've revisited places of darkness that I thought were long past me. I hear the lying judgmental voices even as I write this. The voices that say I should not be so open, that people will never see me as a minister if I write these things, even the voices that say I have no right to be in ministry because I'm such a mess. But I write this anyway. And I thank God that I've come to a place where I really don't care anymore. I don't care what other "minister's" think of me. I don't care if I'm judged. I don't care if I'm never asked to preach anywhere again. (ok, I do care - my heart is to preach and I would miss that terribly - but it won't shut me up!) The enemy is a liar and there is no truth in him. If you read this and would think similar things, then reread the previous sentence. I am in ministry because God has called me to be - not because my life is right or because I'm who I should be - but because He chose me. I don't think my occupation defines what I should or should not go through. I didn't ask for this or expect it and I certainly didn't do anything to deserve it. But I'm glad God allowed this in my life. Here's my story.

For those who know me, my life hasn't gotten continuously better for several years now. The one thing I've battled throughout is my weight and a compulsive eating disorder. On October 3, 2009 I was set free of that and in 6 months time I lost 80 pounds. I started working with a personal trainer who became like a little brother to me, started jogging and working out. Things were great. I loved my job as a youth pastor and recovery center minister, my new life, and who I was becoming. Then in May 2010 we visited Phoenix Arizona and fell in love with the state. My hubby and I knew that God was calling us there and within 2 months He had provided everything we needed to move. I didn't cost us one penny. We arrived in Phoenix July 31, 2010. And everything changed.

Within a week of being here, the ministry we came to work for was turned over to us - literally signed into our names and suddenly we were running a recovery program. A program that had no curriculum, no structure, and no money. My husband became very busy. The ministry couldn't pay us and he didn't have time for an outside job, so finances were a major issue. On top of that, I had left every friend, my church, my trainer, my job - everything I had know for the last 12 years was gone. I started struggling with depression. I recognized it because I'd battled it as a teen and young adult. I lost all motivation to exercise. I didn't seem to connect with the people in this program like I had back home. After a couple of verbal attacks from people, I quit having any role and left the whole thing to my husband. I knew being the lead ministers meant dealing with difficult people, but I never knew the depth. (For example, one client had a fit that I wore new shoes one day - how was it right for me to have new shoes if she didn't have money for new shoes. True story!) I sunk so deep that I didn't even want to go out of my house. The only comfort I had was food and I quickly gained 30 pounds back in 6 months time. I didn't want to go to church, I felt totally alone. My husband couldn't understand and I couldn't explain it. I became so depressed that it scared me. I hadn't felt such hopelessness since my teen years. My food was out of control and I became severely bulimic again for the first time in 16 years. I felt like God wasn't answering me. I wanted to die. Yes, I really wanted to die. I thought it a few times. How badly I wanted to drive my car into a concrete wall and just have everything be over. I'm not saying it was right. I'm saying it was true.

God never gives us more than we can handle. right? He intervened a few times. I can see that now. A couple times while I was going through motions - pray write, worship right, talk right - He would get a message to me that would shake me up a bit. But sometimes you just have to be ready to. I said I didn't know how to get out of the pit, but honestly I don't think I wanted out of the pit. It was easier to hide in the dark than actually take responsibility for making new friends, eating write, stepping out in ministry, etc. That old scary darkness was at least vaguely familiar and therefore better than the unknown. Better than being judged by others. I knew I had been happier back home but I couldn't figure out why those things weren't working for me know. I happened to pick up a book one day browsing through a closing Borders called "Regaining Your Self". And God began to answer my cries for help. As I read it made perfect sense. I think I will save that for another day because this will be long enough already. And I finished the book "No Regrets" by my favorite speed track skater - Apolo Ohno. The break truly came one day when everything in me wanted to eat. I had decided once again to through my day away - eat til I was full and hang out on the couch, but first I needed to read the devotion for the day (I think it was March 8).

Let us therefore come boldly to the throne of grace, that we may obtain mercy and find grace to help in time of need. Hebrews 4:16. How many times do we read a scripture and it means absolutely nothing and then one moment - the right moment - God will take His Word and smack us over the head with it. I read this one simple sentence and broke. I cried. I prayed. It was like a light came on in the room and I suddenly thought - I have as much right as every other person who has ever existed to simply walk up to the throne of God and ask for help. So I did. I told Him how sorry I was for slipping so far away. And I thanked Him for His mercy and grace. And I asked Him to help me. Then I got up and walked away - away from the kitchen, away from depression, away from the lies of the enemy. God usually doesn't take it away - at least with me He doesn't. He gives us the tools, but we have to use them. God is faithful. He didn't let Joseph die in the pit, He didn't let me die there, and He won't let you wither. He'll send a way out - but it is up to us to actually take what is given us and run with it. The throne has always been there - waiting and open for us to come boldly - to receive grace and mercy - help and forgiveness - but we have to come. Every day I have to make the choice to take that grace that God has given. Every day I have to choose to walk away from the kitchen, to set goals, to fight depression. His grace is there to help us, if we are willing to use it.

So I'm back on track. I've learned so much more, but that is another blog. I've lost 10 pounds. I'm confronting some things that are long over due. But He is faithful to complete the good work He started. Maybe I needed to come here - to go through what I've gone through - to reach another place. I'm ready.