I am having a very hard time right now. I probably shouldn't even be publishing this on the web, but I need to talk. Please remember as you read this that minister's are not perfect. EVERY person has their struggle with something. Mine just happens to be out in the open for everyone to see. I deal enough with the guilt that I should be more together than I am - as a minister of God's Word I should have overcome already. And then sometimes I get afraid that God will leave me this way. That the thing in my life I hate the most will be the "thorn in my side" forever. That I will have to wear my shame forever to stay humble - to know that anything good in my life or ministry is from God and not my own doing. I pray that it's not the case and I pray that I would never become prideful in ministry - I've seen too many people fall from pride. After all, I know how well I was doing when I was in control of my life - not so good!! I know that where I am now is ONLY because of God's grace, mercy, and hand on my life. So, instead, I hope to get free of this burden and become even more powerful for the kingdom of God.
But right now I'm feeling hopeless. I'm confused. I feel like a failure. I want so desparately to be free, yet I keep going back. I didn't even struggle like this when I was sticking needles in my arm. When I realized I was about to die on cocaine, I stopped. Not this time. I can see so many differences in my body now - yet I keep eating. I get out of breathe so easy. I can barely make it up the stairs. I can't carry anything very heavy. I feel sick to my stomach often. My liver is enlarged (beginning stages of fibrosis). I don't have much energy and I could go on and on and on, but some of it's just to personal. I now that I am reaping the consequences of my choices and it's only going to continue getting worse. I am dying. I know it. I feel it. As I've said before, maybe not tomorrow, but I don't think it will be a long time if I don't get help soon.
I feel so hopeless and alone. Sure, people look at my and know I eat too much, but does anyone really understand the shame and torment and struggle that I go through? Most people think it's just a choice. "Do something about it." is what I've heard. What do I do? I try and try only to fail again. Do you think I honestly choose to look this way? I know, I choose to eat the food, but sometimes I really don't want to eat and keep on anyway. I eat food that doesn't even taste good just because it's there. I eat when I'm stuffed and feeling sick and I don't even know why. Maybe I just have an overwelming need to chew. After all, if I don't have food, I will chew on my lip or the inside of my cheeks! I know!! I have issues!
Last night, I tried to open up to my husband about my fears and he was unresponsive. I know he doesn't know what to say or how to help, but I feel like I can't be open in my relationship. I'm hiding this secret from pretty much everyone. Sounds funny seeing as how it's being published on the web, but I probably wouldn't be saying half of this if I actually thought anyone would read it. (OK, I would still say all of this, because I am screaming for help right now and desperately need to get this off my chest - and I want others to know they're not alone.)
I feel like I am at a road block. I have admitted that I'm powerless over this addiction. (Step 1 for all you addicts!) And I know without a doubt that God can restore me to sanity - if He chooses to do so. But NOW WHAT!!!??? If I'm powerless how does anyone expect me to stop? But if I pick up and overeat again than I haven't surrendered, but I'm powerless so what would you expect from me??!! I don't know how to overcome and be powerless at the same time. I love god and will serve Him regardless, I just think He must be pretty disappointed about now.
I am tired of walking in shame and secrecy, but I truly no longer see any light at the end of my tunnel. My best efforts have gotten me nowhere and I don't seem to know how to let go. I am feeling pretty hopeless right now. Every time I think I've been released and can walk in freedom I end up right back - caught in the middle of my sin. I feel I may be stuck this way forever. And forever may not be very long if I keep eating the way I do.
2 comments:
Hi Pastor Terry,
You are not alone in your struggle. I went through it all alone it was soooooooooooo lonely. I had no one at all to talk to about my struggle. My newlywed husband told me he didn't love me when we were newly weds. He said he never wanted to marry a fat wife. He told me the only reason he married me on our wedding day was because the Church leaders said it was Gods will for us to marry. So I was a newlywed and I got no hugs or touching, I got no affection and no love because he told me he could not give me something that was not inside of him to give. My heart was broken and just talking about it now is bringing tears to my eyes it still hurts my heart, all this while I was a newlywed due to me being over weight. When I was in the 4th grade they had a weigh in and I weighed as much as the heaviest boy in my class and all the kids heard how much I weighed 140 lbs. in the 4th grade. I was so humiliated. I so wanted to be accepted by my classmates I was sooooooo lonly. I just wanted them to stop looking at the outward and start looking at the inward kind friendly girl I was. I was nice you know, and no one accepted me. I was the blacksheep. I didn't have any friends it was lonly. and heartbreaking. I kept saying to myself there must realy be something wrong with me that no one wants to be my friend. Even my sister beat me to a pulp in front of all of her friends to get them to accept her. My dad said, Mari it looks like you have lost weight. I was so excited that dad noticed something like that, well it was all to tell me a cruel comment he said about 1/2 oz. I was heart broken that my dad would say that to me.I cried histerically. Even my dad did not accept me as I was. That breaks a little girls heart. I was not even accepted by my own family due to my weight problem. Just typing this to you now is bringing tears to my eyes and it still hurts my heart thinking about it. So Terry I have been there and I know the struggle that you are going through. Hang in there God is not finished with you yet. You still have many lives to touch. Remember God is going to get the victory even in this struggle. Please send me your e-mail address so I can send you something real good I read at Bennie Hinn Web page about the Holy Spirit that I know will bless you. My e-mail is hisprincessmhy@yahoo.com e-mail me any time. I love you Terry. I will see you soon! Your sister in Christ, Mari Dennis
ngrucPastor terri, i will keep you in my prayers, thats all i can do, but remember that nothing is too hard for God. Trust him, and please keep trying. Maybe you should get an accountability partner who can walk with you and who you can talk to when you gewt the urge to overeat.dont give up!you are a blessing!chack out: http://www.phdsearch.com/redirect.php?url=http://achristiancounselor.com/writings.html
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