Complete honesty

Total honesty, right? That's how I roll. That's how I want to help people, by being completely honest. But it's easier to be honest after you've made it through the struggle and succeeded - who wants to admit when they're in the middle and not sure if they'll make it out. But that's what I've committed to do. I am struggling right now. I have been for over a month now. That's dangerous. That is not a couple of days or a "once in awhile." It's a regular thing that's been going on for about 5 weeks now - that's like relapse for addicts.
It's a scary thing, because HONESTLY, I'm afraid I won't make it back on track. I'm afraid that I'm stuck and I'm going to slide back down this hill that I've been climbing. I've been able to slide for the last month because people still think I look different, but I know I allowed some compromise and now I feel like I can't get back on track. Every day I get up determined to eat right and by afternoon I'm ignoring that voice that says to stop. Every night I tell myself I'll go running and every morning I find a reason not to. I know that if I stay like this, I will eventually end up back where I was. I never want to go back there again. So why isn't that enough to get me back on track? Why am I stuck in this hole again? Why am I having such a hard time controlling my flesh once again?
I don't know. I fell like I;m getting farther and farther away, but I can't give up. I have to find a way to stop myself from falling; to head back up the mountain. Gotta get my priorities straight.

So that's where I am. Stuck. . .drifting . . .hesitant, but believing that God will be glorified in this situation. He's got me, I just need to hold on.

Getting Closer

I did it! I finally did it!! I attended 2 classes at the Y today! It has always been a great struggle for me to walk into a new place alone, but I did it!! The first class was great. The instructor was great. He took the time to work with me and try to teach me some of the steps - I took a Tai Chi class which is mainly slow, easy movements - more for stretching and relax than heart work. I loved it!! Then I stayed for Nia - aerobics that use dance, martial, and healing arts combined. That is a little more upbeat but very easy to adapt to my level. I'm not as flowy as I'd like to be, but I actually went somewhere new and did something I've never done and I feel GREAT! I am the biggest person in the class and of course I don't like that, but it is not going to stop me from growing. What is the options? Be the biggest person in class and deal with it or be the biggest person NOT in the class and stay that way!! Come on.
The people are sweet. I like the Y because every one has been so nice. I will get better. I will improve. I thank God for what He's given me and I am determined to be the best I can be.
So I will end this with my new favorite inspirational quote, from my all time favorite Olympic speed skater: "Everyday I ask myself, 'Have I done positively all I can do to be the absolute best I can be?'" - Apollo Anton Ohno
Not yet, but I'm getting closer.

Break the Ice

I did it! I did it!!! I FINALLY broke the ice! I stepped foot into a gym! I have had a membership for over a year now and have NEVER gone - not even once, not even to the pool or to watch someone else, or ANYTHING. I have strengthened suring the 3 months I've been working out and I know that and I have more confidence, but I still way almost 300 pounds.  That's a lot for a girl and it's enough to make me feel unworthy to be at a gym. But I know fear is irrational and I've been wanting to overcome so that I can have more opportunities to learn and grow.

So, I worked out yesterday with my trainer instead of Saturday because I will be busy this weekend.  We don't really have a space on weekdays where we can train, so we went to the YMCA. I called ahead and explained my insecurities and asked if my friend could help me set up a routine and show me what to do and they were fine with that.  As soon as I made the arrangements my stomach started knotting up and I got nervous and did not want to go.  But I did it anyway.  It really wasn't bad.  At 2 in the afternoon there are not a lot of people there.  There machines are pretty easy to use. (Although I probably don't remember what was what!) Just felt good to be in a gym. I'm excited about getting to go more often now and exploring new machinery! One of these days I'll get brave enough to try a cardio class!! ;)

I have a full weekend ahead of me but am looking forward to getting some intimate time with God.  I need it right now.  Please let me encourage you that wherever you are, whatever shape your in, don't give up.  Find small things to get started.  E-mail me if you need ideas.  Do something everyday that's good for you.  In time, you WILL see a difference.  Above all else, pray always for God's strength to enable you to honor Him with your body.

Date Night

Had my date night with hubby last night.  It was fantastic!!  I was so tempted to eat at the restaurant, but I am so glad that we didn't.  We went to one of my fav Chinese restaurants and picked out everything we wanted.  I had to realize ahead of time, that I am worth spending a little money on occassionally and even if to go is more expensive than eating in, it is safer for me and easier to refrain from overeating.  SO, we got our food and for the 2 of us it was just a little over $40!  Not much  more than eating in AND we both have a meal left for tomorrow!!  If I didn't eat sushi it would have been much less, sushi was .75 each piece - but so worth it!

The restaurant we went to is at the Seminole Mall, so after we paid, we walked to the center of the mall and the place is almost deserted - the food court had one family that sit for a little while - and most stores were closed.  We sat and ate and talked and just spent time together.  I did want to keep eating, but forced myself to close up the boxes and stack them up.  Then we walked through some stores and headed home.

Since the whole point of this blog is to share my struggles as well as triumphs, I will share what happened next.  My husband stopped at a little store to get coffee and when he ran in, I grabbed the top box and started eating shushi.  I had eaten 2 pieces before I realized that I was not hungry and was simply eating to eat.  NOT GOOD!!! - Old behaviors.  I quickly put the box away and resisted the rest of the time.  I have no idea how many calories I've eaten, but it is the first time in my life that I've gone to an all you can eat restaurant and made it home without being stuffed.  I didn't even feel full!

Today, I was tempted to eat sushi for breakfast, but again I resisted.  I ate my normal Fiber Bar and then waited until I was truly hungry.  THEN, I ate my leftovers.  There was not enough for a third meal, so I ate everything that was left.  A little more than I should have.  I'm full right now and I try to never reach that point, although some of it is probably the water that I guzzled down afterward.  Watch the warning signs - if ignored they can lead to open doors and back to old behavior.  Just NEVER GIVE UP!!  Keep in touch - we can do this - TOGETHER! 

I've made it 60 days now with eating correctly. I want to believe that the struggle is over and I'm home free. But it's becoming more and more obvious that this is not the case. In fact, it seems to be getting very difficult for me right now. Seems like everywhere I go people are indulging. The desire to eat has come back. It's like a voice on my shoulder; telling me to eat, eat, eat. It's harder to fight right now, because I've reached the place where change begins to slow down. I lost 1 or 2 pounds this week, but I don't feel any difference. I've reached a point where I don't FEEL like walking or working out. It has become a chore. I keep pushing forward. I keep reminding myself of the changes I have experienced. A stronger heart. My doctor said my blood pressure is perfect!! (It was high 4 weeks ago.) A new size in clothes. The realization that if I quit I will quickly go back to being almost 350 pounds. It's just so much work to live this way. But I am believing that this too shall pass. I am trussting that this is just a HUMP and if I keep going I will one day not mind working out. I will be glad when I can maintain rather than fight to lose. I look forward to the day that I can do things I like instead of having to walk daily. Once my muscles are strong enough to work harder. I have to remember that I have had a great start and I always knew tough periods would come. But I am not ready to quit. I am not ready to give up. I thank God for a trainer that I have to face on Saturday. Knowing that he will be there and he will be looking for progress helps me keep going. It helps me push. I know he will push me and I don't want to be weak in front of someone so I push my body during the week to strengthen it for Saturday. I'm hoping to cut down my walking to 3 days a week and take up dancing or other cardio twice a week, but it doesn't raise my heart rate as much so I'm not sure if I'm ready to make that move. Oh well, guess I'm hitting the pavement in the a.m.! I KNOW IT WILL BE WORTH IT ONE DAY!!