How bad do I want it?

I really need to write more often. No idea why this seems to be the thing I always put off, maybe I've been in a place where I would really rather not look inward at the moment. Blogging for me means getting real, addressing my struggles, and moving forward. Quite frankly, I've been stuck for awhile. We have been in Arizona for almost 4 months now. I have never felt like I belonged anywhere like I do here, yet it has been such a struggle. I have battled what I guess would be depression for a few months now; fighting and fighting to overcome and keep functioning while feeling like I wanted to just give up. I reached the point where I didn't even have any desire to pray anymore. It's hard to explain - asking God to please help me desire Him like I use to and at the same time having no desire to even talk to Him at all. Not exactly a good place for a Pastor to be!!
It's hard to admit that I don't want to talk to God. After all, I should have it so together. I need to be an example. Yet, God knows how I'm feeling and perhaps sharing this publicly will help someone else. The one thing I have is my ability to be honest with my Creator. He can handle it when I admit I'm not feeling it. I feel like I'm sinking; I have so many things I think I should be doing that I can't figure out what to do. I feel like I've lost myself somewhere in the move. Suddenly everything I knew is gone and now we run a recovery program and my husband needs me to assist him, run financials, teach the women, keep our schedules, and figure out how to walk in my calling at the same time. I don't know how to do that. But I'm still trying. I've had to back off from some of the work. I married a wonderful man who believes in me and supports me and I am so blessed.

So, during this struggle in my life, I feel like I've pushed myself to the back - letting everything go that was important to me so I could try and accomplish all that was needed of me. Until I reached a breaking point. Everyday I asked God to please help me, please give me back the discipline and ambition that I had before. A couple weeks ago, I stayed home alone while my family went out. I put on some worship music and was cleaning. At some point the music caught me and I began to really listen to what I was singing. And I began to break. I heard the Lord telling me, "Everything you need I've already given you." I was reminded of the verse that says there is always a way out of temptation. I was reminded tha tI can do all things through Christ who strengthens me. That His strength is made perfect in my weakness. It's OK to be weak. But we have to rely on Him to bring us through. It's ok to be weak, it's not ok to use that weakness as an excuse to curl up and give up. We have been given the tools to overcome. The question is, am I going to use those tools to overcome, or continue begging Him to do it for me?
I am definitely in a new place in my life. I don't have any close friends here, I don't have the powerful teachings I had back home. Now it's our turn to lead. I learned a long time ago that my relationship with God couldn't come from a man. It's time to put all the teachings I had into practice. It's time to build my relationship with Him. It's time to grow up. Maybe I should have been there a long time ago. Or maybe this is just another step on the way. This time I won't have anyone encouraging me or telling me what to do. This time I have to want it myself. I will have to make the decision to pursue this relationship and take it further than we've ever gone. This time my relationship won't be built in a group. Or in a church. This time, it's gonna be me and God - on my living room carpet.

How about you?

I've made it 60 days now with eating correctly. I want to believe that the struggle is over and I'm home free. But it's becoming more and more obvious that this is not the case. In fact, it seems to be getting very difficult for me right now. Seems like everywhere I go people are indulging. The desire to eat has come back. It's like a voice on my shoulder; telling me to eat, eat, eat. It's harder to fight right now, because I've reached the place where change begins to slow down. I lost 1 or 2 pounds this week, but I don't feel any difference. I've reached a point where I don't FEEL like walking or working out. It has become a chore. I keep pushing forward. I keep reminding myself of the changes I have experienced. A stronger heart. My doctor said my blood pressure is perfect!! (It was high 4 weeks ago.) A new size in clothes. The realization that if I quit I will quickly go back to being almost 350 pounds. It's just so much work to live this way. But I am believing that this too shall pass. I am trussting that this is just a HUMP and if I keep going I will one day not mind working out. I will be glad when I can maintain rather than fight to lose. I look forward to the day that I can do things I like instead of having to walk daily. Once my muscles are strong enough to work harder. I have to remember that I have had a great start and I always knew tough periods would come. But I am not ready to quit. I am not ready to give up. I thank God for a trainer that I have to face on Saturday. Knowing that he will be there and he will be looking for progress helps me keep going. It helps me push. I know he will push me and I don't want to be weak in front of someone so I push my body during the week to strengthen it for Saturday. I'm hoping to cut down my walking to 3 days a week and take up dancing or other cardio twice a week, but it doesn't raise my heart rate as much so I'm not sure if I'm ready to make that move. Oh well, guess I'm hitting the pavement in the a.m.! I KNOW IT WILL BE WORTH IT ONE DAY!!

I am growing more and more every day. I'm shocked at how many changes I am experiencing already! Today I was able to jog for 2 minute intervals! All I could do was thank Jesus over and over. I am amazed at how incredible our bodies are created. That after only a few weeks of walking and some effort, someone out of shape and weighing more than 300 pounds can jog for 2 minute intervals! God is wonderful!! Today I walked about 40 minutes and in that time I jogged 2 minutes spots 5 times. I am up to 10 minutes of total jogging!! THANK YOU JESUS! Figure this - on November 2 I began walking. I walked 1 mile the first day and 1.5 miles 2 other days that week. The week of November 9th I walked 1.5 miles Monday, Tues, Thurs, and Fri. The last 2 days I began jogging; 30 second intervals 3 times Thursday and 6 times Friday. A total of 3 minutes of jogging. That was the best I could do!!

The week of November 16th, I began walking all 5 weekdays and increased my jogging to 40 second intervals 6 times each walk. On Friday, I made it 7 times! Small steps and effort make big differences!! Last week, (Nov. 23) I started Monday with 45 second intervals 6 times and the last jog a full minute! The rest of the week I jogged 60 second intervals 7 times and increased Friday to 90 seconds a couple times!

Now for this week - I've increased my distance - I think I'm close to 2 miles now. Monday I jogged 90 seconds for 5 intervals and today I felt good so I pushed farther. Today I did 5 intervals of 2 minutes. YEAH!! Now if the heal spurs would just go away my life would be much easier!!

I'm enjoying this journey. Learning to find the little changes to help stay motivated. I know there is a long road ahead of me, but I'm making the most out of it!!