I really need to write more often. No idea why this seems to be the thing I always put off, maybe I've been in a place where I would really rather not look inward at the moment. Blogging for me means getting real, addressing my struggles, and moving forward. Quite frankly, I've been stuck for awhile. We have been in Arizona for almost 4 months now. I have never felt like I belonged anywhere like I do here, yet it has been such a struggle. I have battled what I guess would be depression for a few months now; fighting and fighting to overcome and keep functioning while feeling like I wanted to just give up. I reached the point where I didn't even have any desire to pray anymore. It's hard to explain - asking God to please help me desire Him like I use to and at the same time having no desire to even talk to Him at all. Not exactly a good place for a Pastor to be!!
It's hard to admit that I don't want to talk to God. After all, I should have it so together. I need to be an example. Yet, God knows how I'm feeling and perhaps sharing this publicly will help someone else. The one thing I have is my ability to be honest with my Creator. He can handle it when I admit I'm not feeling it. I feel like I'm sinking; I have so many things I think I should be doing that I can't figure out what to do. I feel like I've lost myself somewhere in the move. Suddenly everything I knew is gone and now we run a recovery program and my husband needs me to assist him, run financials, teach the women, keep our schedules, and figure out how to walk in my calling at the same time. I don't know how to do that. But I'm still trying. I've had to back off from some of the work. I married a wonderful man who believes in me and supports me and I am so blessed.
So, during this struggle in my life, I feel like I've pushed myself to the back - letting everything go that was important to me so I could try and accomplish all that was needed of me. Until I reached a breaking point. Everyday I asked God to please help me, please give me back the discipline and ambition that I had before. A couple weeks ago, I stayed home alone while my family went out. I put on some worship music and was cleaning. At some point the music caught me and I began to really listen to what I was singing. And I began to break. I heard the Lord telling me, "Everything you need I've already given you." I was reminded of the verse that says there is always a way out of temptation. I was reminded tha tI can do all things through Christ who strengthens me. That His strength is made perfect in my weakness. It's OK to be weak. But we have to rely on Him to bring us through. It's ok to be weak, it's not ok to use that weakness as an excuse to curl up and give up. We have been given the tools to overcome. The question is, am I going to use those tools to overcome, or continue begging Him to do it for me?
I am definitely in a new place in my life. I don't have any close friends here, I don't have the powerful teachings I had back home. Now it's our turn to lead. I learned a long time ago that my relationship with God couldn't come from a man. It's time to put all the teachings I had into practice. It's time to build my relationship with Him. It's time to grow up. Maybe I should have been there a long time ago. Or maybe this is just another step on the way. This time I won't have anyone encouraging me or telling me what to do. This time I have to want it myself. I will have to make the decision to pursue this relationship and take it further than we've ever gone. This time my relationship won't be built in a group. Or in a church. This time, it's gonna be me and God - on my living room carpet.
How about you?
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