Despite the Obstacles

OK, so once again today things went against me to keep me from pushing through. This time though I did not let it stop me. I've been questioning whether all this stuff is form God or the enemy - am I taking too much time for myself with exercise when I should be doing other things - or am I having resistance because I'm about to break through. Well, yesterday I shared this with my husband and as always he has a view that I don't usually think about. He said, "If you hadn't started doing what you're doing 5 months ago, you might not even be here right now. Do you think that was God's will for your life?" Hmmmmmm.......... there's a reason why I married him (actually, there's several! :D )

I know that God cares more about the internal and the eternal than the external, yet I believe He has me on this path for a reason and that it is becoming part of the ministry He has for me. SO, today I tried once again (3rd day in a row!) to conquer my fear and make it to the gym by myself. That may seem simple and ridiculous to some, but it's been a major struggle for me. The mind battle that I'm not in good enough shape, people will look at me, blah, blah, blah. Every time I've tried and things get in the way, I use it as an excuse to fail. And here we are at today.

My hubby works out of town on Thursdays so I have 3 choices: walk, drive the mop-ed, or stay home. I'm not real crazy about the mop-ed because I'm still kinda scared of leaving skin on pavement, but that was the only way to the gym so I did it. A few blocks from home this black cat starts running across the yard headed right for the street. I now if I hit it I'm wrecking so all I could do was pray, "God please don't let me hit that cat." There were cars behind me to. Trial #1. The cat runs right into the road, in the middle he turns back towards me, and at the last minute he turned back and finished to cross the road. Thank you Jesus!

I get to the gym, change, and head to the pool to do aerobics - just to find out the schedule is wrong and there are no aerobics at this time! Trial #2. So instead of heading home, I swam 10 laps and felt like that was a pretty good start. The fact that I got in the pool and did anything is great and especially since I've been slacking on my workouts/cardio lately. Then I changed and headed to the gym area for workout time. Except when I changed, I realized I did not bring an extra bra with me and the one I have is wet from the pool. (My suit is too big now so I have to make adjustments!) If I wear this one, it will soak my shirt and be quite noticeable. Trial #3. I tried to dry it with my hairdryer but it didn't work. I finally decided that I was not going to worry about what people thought or allow anything to send me home, so I pulled on 2 shirts and headed out. I had a great workout!

I feel fantastic! I feel healthy, alive, energized. I love how I feel after a workout. The hardest part is just pushing through to actually do it. I have been in a slump for over a month now - struggling to keep on this new journey. But I'm back on track and ready to run forward. I realize it won't always be easy, but I need to do this.

Whatever you facing in life; don't let the obstacles deter you and send you backwards. Keep going. There is breakthrough if keep our focus. Sometimes (often) God requires us to get out of our comfort zones in order to get to the next place. But I'm learning that comfort isn't always good - overcoming obstacles can be exciting. Comfort has kept me from realizing my potential for far too long. I'm going forward;; despite the obstacles.

I refuse to give up!

Things are going OK. I've had a hard time getting back on track since camp, or maybe since Christmas.  I was doing so well until I reached 90 days - I've been struggling ever since. Over a month now. I haven't gained any weight back, I've lost 2 pounds this month which my trainer says is the best rate of weight loss - 1 pound per week. (YES - I gave in and weighed myself yesterday!) But I've gone from doing cardio (walking/dancing/SOMETHING) 5 days a week to only doing anything during my 2 training sessions and only one of those sessions involves cardio. Last night I noticed how tired I was trying to keep up with the cardio part.  I really need to get back into regular workouts.

Don't get me wrong - I haven't given up.  I walk to work sometimes, park farther away from stores, little things to get some type of exercise, but far from what I was doing. I'm trying to overcome my self consciousness and go do some YMCA classes, but it's so hard to try something when I'm afraid I can't do it. I've met a lot of people who feel the same way. Yesterday I tried to pump myself up to go, but my car wouldn't start. Today I let my daughter stay home from school to go with me, but we got there too late for the 1st class and she got sick and had to go home before the 2nd class. So once again I still haven't managed to actually do a class!

I'm back on track as far as eating goes. I've done very well today. I thank God that I have a trainer at this point in my life. I'm not sure how well I would do without the accountability. But I refuse to give up. I've come to far to give up. Although, no one should ever give up, regardless of where you are - you are still alive and you still deserve to be healthy. Trust me, it won't always be easy, but it is definitely worth it!

Valentines Day

Happy Valentine's Day. It's been a week since i wrote. Not a whole lot different to write about today. We took a group of youth to camp last weekend and the youth put on a fundraiser dinner this weekend so I've been crazy busy and it's all involved food! YUCK!! I have messed up some. I had to eat what they had at camp. I madethe best choices I could, but I saw old behavior flags poppin up all over! Kept wanting to go back to cabin so I could eat and no one would no - BAD IDEA! I did find an incredible path to jog - that was AWESOME! Yesterday I did the worse since I started this journey. My trainer cancelled and I was depressed and feeling sorry for myself so I ate 4 peanut butter cookies and a cupcake. I felt really sick. The thoughts came back and I wanted to just eat nonstop then, but I didn't. Today I went back to the gym with my personal trainer and did a workout. It's harder to train at the gym because I feel like I don't do much because I'm taking turns with my trainer on each machine. But I am learning some of the machines and getting more comfortable being there. Hopefully this week I can get there once on my own!

It's really hard to not weigh myself. I haven't been able to stay away from the sugar like I've wanted - I probably have eaten more sugar this month than I have the last 4!! And it's been really cold so my cardio has gone way done - not what I comitted to for February! But I am not going to weigh myself - I am going to keep going and hope for the best. I still want to do 30 days without sugar though - just gotta get some food ahead of time so it's easier.

The Bad News - I Blew It

This is the post I never want to write.  I have blown it.  This weekend we took our youth kids to winter camp. I immediately slipped back into old behavior.  I did try to make better choices - I bought  pretzels and puffed corn for snacks instead of candy and chips. Problem is as soon as we were on the van I started eating and I ate for the whole 3 hour drive.  I found myself going back to the cabin so I could eat snacks away from everyone.  I ate the healthier choices while at camp, but I gave up checking calories and by today I was gone.  Today I ate 2 sandwiches for lunch with 2 cookies and then bought a candy bar and ate that to! Then when I got home I bought Chinese Buffet.  I got it to go which is what usually works for me, but tonight I ate all of it.  I hate feeling this way.  My stomach is full and I feel fat and full and lazy - YUCK!!! I wanted to throw up so badly but I know that won't make it better so I'm dealing and hopefully learning my lesson.

There's also a little fear.  I haven't done this in 4 months. What if I've opened the door? What if I don't get back on track tomorrow? What if the enemy raises a flood against me? All I can do is ask God for forgiveness, close the doors, and pray for Him to be my strength. I need to work hard - I told God I woud give Him this month - I have blown it the weekend.  I can see how I let my mind talk me into things. I would start with one thing and then reason out how it would be OK to go a little farther. This is never OK for me. I can not over eat.

Please Father God, help me to get right back on track. Help me to honor you with my body and to stop always pushing the line until I cross it. I don't want to cross the line anymore. I want to please you. I want to serve you, not be a slave to food. Keep me safe please. Remind me Holy Sirit to hide behind you when I'm weak - letting You be my perfect strength. FOrgive me for my sin today as I confess it for what it was and wash me clean. Thank you for your grace that is sufficient for me!! LOVE YOU!

Break the Ice

I did it! I did it!!! I FINALLY broke the ice! I stepped foot into a gym! I have had a membership for over a year now and have NEVER gone - not even once, not even to the pool or to watch someone else, or ANYTHING. I have strengthened suring the 3 months I've been working out and I know that and I have more confidence, but I still way almost 300 pounds.  That's a lot for a girl and it's enough to make me feel unworthy to be at a gym. But I know fear is irrational and I've been wanting to overcome so that I can have more opportunities to learn and grow.

So, I worked out yesterday with my trainer instead of Saturday because I will be busy this weekend.  We don't really have a space on weekdays where we can train, so we went to the YMCA. I called ahead and explained my insecurities and asked if my friend could help me set up a routine and show me what to do and they were fine with that.  As soon as I made the arrangements my stomach started knotting up and I got nervous and did not want to go.  But I did it anyway.  It really wasn't bad.  At 2 in the afternoon there are not a lot of people there.  There machines are pretty easy to use. (Although I probably don't remember what was what!) Just felt good to be in a gym. I'm excited about getting to go more often now and exploring new machinery! One of these days I'll get brave enough to try a cardio class!! ;)

I have a full weekend ahead of me but am looking forward to getting some intimate time with God.  I need it right now.  Please let me encourage you that wherever you are, whatever shape your in, don't give up.  Find small things to get started.  E-mail me if you need ideas.  Do something everyday that's good for you.  In time, you WILL see a difference.  Above all else, pray always for God's strength to enable you to honor Him with your body.

Workin through the stressors

Made it through Day 2! Isn't it just like the enemy to attack whatever goals we set for ourselves? I woke up this morning with a throat so sore I had to whisper to talk. I felt completely fine except for my throat, but that was enough to just want to curl up on the couch most of the day. You know that saying, "feed a cold, starve a fever?" I understand it completely.  WHen I have a cold or don't feel well I want to eat all day long.  Not only am I on an eating plan but I'm fasting sugar so today was HAAARRRRDDDDD! I kept going to the fridge and then sitting down.  Still, I made it through the day without blowing my calories. Really wanted pizza but hubby said no. (Thank you JESUS!) Had some issues raising our teenage daughter that were pretty stressful to. On top of all that, I also started my "u know what" today.  So add cramps and bloating and a few changes of clothing.

So I'm feeling good that I made it to my training session tonight. I seemed to get tired faster than  I usually do, but I still got a good workout.  I'm just incredibly thankful that I was able to go.  Feels great once it's over.  I feel relaxed, alive, healthy, incredible.  Looking forward to the changes in my body and mind this month. Time to hit the shower and then off to bed. Nite all!

February 1 Measurements

OK, today launched as day 1 in the February challenge. I've made it through the day, well I'm close at least! This morning I weighed in at 279!! I have no idea when I last weighed that!! I don't know exactly how much I've lost.  I think around 54 pounds!! Not really sure though.  Scale didn't start working until I reached 317 in November.  I love going places, because I know people who see me think I'm obese - medically I'm "morbidly obese." I don't care what others think because I know that if they knew me they'd actually be shocked!  Everyone who knows me is constantly telling me how amazing I look.  Sometimes it's hard to accept that there is still so far to go.  I feel incredible.

Anyway, I'm getting off track. I made it today without eating sugar!! Funny - seemed like anything I wanted happened to have sugar in it. I ran a mile on the treadmill since it was so cold out.  I wanted to run 2 but quit after one.  BOO!!!! I felt like I was unbalanced and going to fall a couple times, so I didn't push real hard.  I have to get better though.  The only way to continue to see progress is to push past the place of comfort.  If I only do what I can already do, it will take a very long time to see improvement.  I am planning on this month being a PUSH to see what my body can do.  Always with prayer that the Lord will help me to be aware if I go to far.

Since I will not be weighing or measuring for 1 month (God help me!) I have decided to post my measuremtents here. Then we will see what the difference is 4 weeks from now.
Here goes:
Biceps:          15  (Lost 1 inch the last 2 months)
Under Arm    43 (Lost 2 inches)
Under Chest  41 (Lost 2 inches)
Chest            50.5 (Lost 2 inches)
Waist            53 (Lost 3.5 inches)
Hip               60 (Lost 1 inch)
Upper Thigh 28.5 (Lost 1.5 inches)

Jump in!  Get started! There's no better time to do something good for yourself.  Every effort helps.  Your worth it!!