I always think of things I want to share here, but I guess I forget them just as quick because I'm always suprised at how many days have passed since my last blog. I need to check in though because I'm about to start on a nbew adventure - so to speak. For several years now I have fasted sugar for the month of January. Since food has been my struggle, I've chosen the first month of the year to offer to God believing to one day be set free. This year 2 things happened - 1. I have been set free and 2. I ate items with sugar in them several times in January without realizing it. Also, the last 2 weeks I've had a hard time - no motivation to walk, run, or work out. So this week I decided to dedicate February to God and to honoring Him with my body. I'm going to focus for 4 weeks on running, working out, and eating right. AND PRAYER. I will weigh myself tomorrow morning and then I am vowing to stay off the scales until March 1st. That will probably be my hardest battle because I am about 5 pounds away from my next goal. (Lose 25 pounds and get to 275 by Easter)
Last week I gained a couple pounds and this past week I worked harder to regain my loss. I love the way I'm feeling and I'm excited to see what results will come throughout the next month. Stick with me - we'll go places!
Sunday, January 31, 2010
Saturday, January 23, 2010
Perfect Strength
My trainer cancelled today; said he wasn't feeling well. It was strange having Saturday off. This was the first Saturday we haven't met since I started working out. I've not been motivated this week at all so I was really needing this workout. Of course I didn't take the motivation to work out on my own. My husband came through today. He walked over a mile with me. We jogged one street of our walk. That was cool. I need to remember how thrilling it feels when I jog farther than I have ever before. That's what gets me back out there. I've been so off track this week. I walked 2 miles Thursday and worked out super hard with my trainer Tuesday night. That was about it for the entire week! Getting refocused. I wish I had accountability to get me to the YMCA. I have a membership, just haven't been able to push past the self conscious fear to try something new. I really should. It's just hard to do new things by yourself sometimes. Plus I'm not sure if I'm ready for group stuff - what if I can't keep up with anyone else yet? But it's not about them, it's about me. I need to keep going for myself. Easier said than done.
Spent some time praying last night and today. I've realized lately that I haven't been relying on God as much as I was before. That's a dangerous place to be - old thought patterns quickly try to sneak back in. "Don't count calories today, just eat what you want, finish your meal even though your not hungry, don't throw that away, yada yada yada. It can be very easy to slip back into those patterns. The ONLY way I have found to maintain my freedom is to run to God. To hide behind Him, to rely on His perfect strength. Already I feel stronger. It works. Tonight I wanted to eat extra. I've been praying, "God, be my perfect strength." It's working. Here I am - not at the fridge. His strength is made perfect in my weakness." Thank you Jesus!
Spent some time praying last night and today. I've realized lately that I haven't been relying on God as much as I was before. That's a dangerous place to be - old thought patterns quickly try to sneak back in. "Don't count calories today, just eat what you want, finish your meal even though your not hungry, don't throw that away, yada yada yada. It can be very easy to slip back into those patterns. The ONLY way I have found to maintain my freedom is to run to God. To hide behind Him, to rely on His perfect strength. Already I feel stronger. It works. Tonight I wanted to eat extra. I've been praying, "God, be my perfect strength." It's working. Here I am - not at the fridge. His strength is made perfect in my weakness." Thank you Jesus!
Monday, January 18, 2010
Little Things Matter
I am learning to find little ways to increase my activity and raise my self esteem. As hard as it is to spend time on myself, I must admit that I feel good when I do good things for me. I have to remember these things when I feel down. I'm realizing there are little things I can do to make a difference. For example, I walk to work a few times during the week. I throw (or gently place!) my laptop in a backpack, add my lunch, water, snacks, and any paperwork I need. Squeeze in a cute pair of shoes and I'm out the door. Today I started down the road and thought, "This backpack is kinda heavy; maybe I should just drive." Then I remembered that I've recently lost 40 pounds and my backpack is much less than that so I can handle this! As I walked the 15 minute journey to the office, I remembered the first time I took this trip. About a year ago, I walked it one time with my daughter. I had not even made it half way before my back was hurting and I was exhausted. Now I can walk the whole thing. Sometimes I walk home to!! I am blessed with an awesome husband that picks me up when I don't want to make the return trip, but thed important thing is to find little things that will increase your dailt activity. Here are some of the changes I've made:
I park at the end of the parking lot at Wal Mart. No more circling around looking for close spots. (This is probably faster anyway!!) Sometimes I will jog to the entrance to for some added exercise. I try to walk faster while I'm in the store. I work on holding my stomach muscles and core tight while I'm at work. Even though I sit most of the time, I can add to my health my squeezing those muscles! I take the stairs instead of the elevator. I know, I know, we've heard that before, but it works! Not long ago, I could not walk up one flight of stairs without being extremely out of breath. Now I make it up with no problem. And I'm still considered morbidly obese!! Trust me, your heart will respond to any attempts to strengthen it - regardless of how big you are. Now PLEASE if you have health problems - seek the advise of a doctor or get their opinion on anything I tell you - just to be safe. So, if you get up one flight of stairs and need to use the bathroom (to hide while you catch your breath so no one will see how bad it is!) just remember this. Everytime you do that, every time you push through - you are stepping closer to the day when you will make that climb and still be able to breathe normally! And you will be shouting on the inside when you realize it has happened!
So what small differences have you made to increase your activity? Share your ideas . . .
I park at the end of the parking lot at Wal Mart. No more circling around looking for close spots. (This is probably faster anyway!!) Sometimes I will jog to the entrance to for some added exercise. I try to walk faster while I'm in the store. I work on holding my stomach muscles and core tight while I'm at work. Even though I sit most of the time, I can add to my health my squeezing those muscles! I take the stairs instead of the elevator. I know, I know, we've heard that before, but it works! Not long ago, I could not walk up one flight of stairs without being extremely out of breath. Now I make it up with no problem. And I'm still considered morbidly obese!! Trust me, your heart will respond to any attempts to strengthen it - regardless of how big you are. Now PLEASE if you have health problems - seek the advise of a doctor or get their opinion on anything I tell you - just to be safe. So, if you get up one flight of stairs and need to use the bathroom (to hide while you catch your breath so no one will see how bad it is!) just remember this. Everytime you do that, every time you push through - you are stepping closer to the day when you will make that climb and still be able to breathe normally! And you will be shouting on the inside when you realize it has happened!
So what small differences have you made to increase your activity? Share your ideas . . .
Friday, January 15, 2010
Rambling Thoughts
How do 2 weeks go by without me writing?! I feel like it's only been a few days!! I will def try to get better about this. I'm always thinking of things I would like to share, and then don't seem to get them here. It's like I write them in my head but not down on the comp. Anyways, I'm still plugging along. I have made it 90 days now and I've lost over 40 pounds. I know that is a lot, and I'm incredibly grateful, but it is starting to come off slower and I'm getting frustrated. I don't want to give up - I don't want to ever go back to what I was, but I almost want people to stop making a big deal about it. Don't get me wrong, part of me loves attention. (Total honesty, right?) Knowing people are watching helps me keep working. But another part of me wants to stop working so hard and just settle for how far I've gotten - just keep my eating plan and let go of all the hard workout stuff. Like, maybe I'm just not cut out to be a "fit" person, and I should just accept being smaller, but give up trying to be toned.
This post is just going to be my ramblings because right now so many different things run through my brain. I think the reality is that my brain is having a hard time waiting for my body to catch up. See, I feel amazing. I feel younger, taller, thinner, stronger - beautiful. Then I look in the mirror. And the old mindset comes flying back in. Instead of seeing the improvement and all I've accomplished I see all that's left to do. I see how much fat is still there. I see what my trainer sees and I think I should do him a favor and quit. Why would anyone want to work with a person my size? What a joke I must be.
I am posting this hoping that someoen out there who deals with this stuff will realize they are not alone. Hopefully I can help someone somewhere to refuse to give up - atleast for today. See, this is where we must fight the battle in our mind. This is where we have to be open with someone (especially God) and let another person know our fears. I wrote above what I think my trainer sees when I work with him, but what he has actually told some is that seeing how hard I work makes him want to work harder in his own life. I motivate him! We must realize that the junk in our head is simply that - junk. I must keep working - some days I'll do better than others, but everyday I will strive to honor God with my body. And I will wait - patient or not - for my body to catch up with my brain. (Explanation of this later!)
This post is just going to be my ramblings because right now so many different things run through my brain. I think the reality is that my brain is having a hard time waiting for my body to catch up. See, I feel amazing. I feel younger, taller, thinner, stronger - beautiful. Then I look in the mirror. And the old mindset comes flying back in. Instead of seeing the improvement and all I've accomplished I see all that's left to do. I see how much fat is still there. I see what my trainer sees and I think I should do him a favor and quit. Why would anyone want to work with a person my size? What a joke I must be.
I am posting this hoping that someoen out there who deals with this stuff will realize they are not alone. Hopefully I can help someone somewhere to refuse to give up - atleast for today. See, this is where we must fight the battle in our mind. This is where we have to be open with someone (especially God) and let another person know our fears. I wrote above what I think my trainer sees when I work with him, but what he has actually told some is that seeing how hard I work makes him want to work harder in his own life. I motivate him! We must realize that the junk in our head is simply that - junk. I must keep working - some days I'll do better than others, but everyday I will strive to honor God with my body. And I will wait - patient or not - for my body to catch up with my brain. (Explanation of this later!)
Saturday, January 2, 2010
It's the Little Things!
So, I ended the year at 289 pounds. I lose 2 more pounds I will have lost 40 pounds!! God willing, I will never be in the 300's again! YEAHHHHH!!!! There are times that I get frustrated and times I have wanted to give up for a meal or for a day, but God is and has been everything I need. Have some emotions that seem to be surfacing now tht I don't hide everything with food, but it hasn't been real bad. I noticed that I have a harder time when I skip exercising. Last week I had a medical procedure done and with the holidays I couldn't workout last week. I was grumpy and miserable. The one day I was able to walk/jog about a mile and my whole attitude was better! I realized just how important exercise is - for my emotional health as well as physical! : )
There are things I'm noticing that I never expected when I began this journey. Sure, I knew I'd lose weight, I just didn't expect to lose it the way I am. I think most of my fat is in my stomach area so of course that seem s to go down the slowest. But I'm pretty much losing everywhere. My bra was the first thing to get too big. The thing I didn't expect though is my shoes are now too big and my wedding rings keep falling off! I have to laugh it off. Praise God!
There are things I'm noticing that I never expected when I began this journey. Sure, I knew I'd lose weight, I just didn't expect to lose it the way I am. I think most of my fat is in my stomach area so of course that seem s to go down the slowest. But I'm pretty much losing everywhere. My bra was the first thing to get too big. The thing I didn't expect though is my shoes are now too big and my wedding rings keep falling off! I have to laugh it off. Praise God!
Wednesday, December 16, 2009
Date Night
Had my date night with hubby last night. It was fantastic!! I was so tempted to eat at the restaurant, but I am so glad that we didn't. We went to one of my fav Chinese restaurants and picked out everything we wanted. I had to realize ahead of time, that I am worth spending a little money on occassionally and even if to go is more expensive than eating in, it is safer for me and easier to refrain from overeating. SO, we got our food and for the 2 of us it was just a little over $40! Not much more than eating in AND we both have a meal left for tomorrow!! If I didn't eat sushi it would have been much less, sushi was .75 each piece - but so worth it!
The restaurant we went to is at the Seminole Mall, so after we paid, we walked to the center of the mall and the place is almost deserted - the food court had one family that sit for a little while - and most stores were closed. We sat and ate and talked and just spent time together. I did want to keep eating, but forced myself to close up the boxes and stack them up. Then we walked through some stores and headed home.
Since the whole point of this blog is to share my struggles as well as triumphs, I will share what happened next. My husband stopped at a little store to get coffee and when he ran in, I grabbed the top box and started eating shushi. I had eaten 2 pieces before I realized that I was not hungry and was simply eating to eat. NOT GOOD!!! - Old behaviors. I quickly put the box away and resisted the rest of the time. I have no idea how many calories I've eaten, but it is the first time in my life that I've gone to an all you can eat restaurant and made it home without being stuffed. I didn't even feel full!
Today, I was tempted to eat sushi for breakfast, but again I resisted. I ate my normal Fiber Bar and then waited until I was truly hungry. THEN, I ate my leftovers. There was not enough for a third meal, so I ate everything that was left. A little more than I should have. I'm full right now and I try to never reach that point, although some of it is probably the water that I guzzled down afterward. Watch the warning signs - if ignored they can lead to open doors and back to old behavior. Just NEVER GIVE UP!! Keep in touch - we can do this - TOGETHER!
The restaurant we went to is at the Seminole Mall, so after we paid, we walked to the center of the mall and the place is almost deserted - the food court had one family that sit for a little while - and most stores were closed. We sat and ate and talked and just spent time together. I did want to keep eating, but forced myself to close up the boxes and stack them up. Then we walked through some stores and headed home.
Since the whole point of this blog is to share my struggles as well as triumphs, I will share what happened next. My husband stopped at a little store to get coffee and when he ran in, I grabbed the top box and started eating shushi. I had eaten 2 pieces before I realized that I was not hungry and was simply eating to eat. NOT GOOD!!! - Old behaviors. I quickly put the box away and resisted the rest of the time. I have no idea how many calories I've eaten, but it is the first time in my life that I've gone to an all you can eat restaurant and made it home without being stuffed. I didn't even feel full!
Today, I was tempted to eat sushi for breakfast, but again I resisted. I ate my normal Fiber Bar and then waited until I was truly hungry. THEN, I ate my leftovers. There was not enough for a third meal, so I ate everything that was left. A little more than I should have. I'm full right now and I try to never reach that point, although some of it is probably the water that I guzzled down afterward. Watch the warning signs - if ignored they can lead to open doors and back to old behavior. Just NEVER GIVE UP!! Keep in touch - we can do this - TOGETHER!
Monday, December 14, 2009
Goal #1 accomplished!
I have reached my first goal!! My goal was to break 300 pounds by January 1st. Actually, I wanted 298 so I was under the 300 mark. This morning I weighed in at 296!!! YEAH!! Thannk you Jesus! I can't remember the last time I was under 300. I know I was over in 2006, but I don't remember before that. I want to get copies of old Dr. visits so I know how much time has been reversed at each step. I saw a picture of myself last night and I can actually see the difference now. Thank you Jesus. People keep telling me I'm doing great and they are so proud of me, but I have to remember that it's ONLY through the power of Jesus that I can do this at all. I have never had willpower or discipline. God has truly set me free.
Yes, I am taking a reward for this. I have worked very hard and I want to celebrate. However, I also remember that any time I've taken a "treat" day, it's been followed by failure. Another reason why I think this is so much a spiritual battle. When I give in to temptation and over eat, I open the door for the demonic to come back 6 times worse. That's what it's always been like - once I give in, I go off the deep end worse than ever. Before my deliverance, I was eating non stop and had started purging again as well. I said all that to say this, I am takingn steps to enjoy my reward without blowing my lifestyle. Here's how: My husband is taking me out for sushi. It's my fav - I would eat sushi everyday if I could. That's what I want as my reward. That may be easier than what others might choose, but it can still be bad if I eat the way I use to. SO, my favorite restaurants are Chinese Buffets so I can eat tons of everything I like! I will be going to the restaurant I love and I will get everything I enjoy - even the bad stuff! HOWEVER, we will be buying it TO GO! We did this once before and it was perfect. I feel like I did not have to go without anything, and I actually got to enjoy Chinese and sushi for 3 days!! It's like having your cake and eating it to! Everything I want, but I can eat at my pace in my time.
So I'm waiting patiently for Tuesday (our date night) to enjoy my fav food.
On to my next goal. I realized right away that I NEED goals. I have to be able to see progress to keep going. So it's vital that I set small, attainable goals to stay motivated. Otherwise I don't see a reason to continue. For example, I still need to lose 136 pounds to reach my goal of 160. That's like 2-3 years of work. I think, why bother. . . BUT! So I've decided my next goal is to reduce my BMI to 39.9 by February 28th. I'm not sure if that can be done, but it's something to work for. My personal trainer says I can reach it in 60 days. We'll see. My BMI was 52 and now it's below 48 just based on what they say at www.fitday.com. It says 40 or higher is consider extreme obesity, so I've made it my new goal to get out of the "extremely obese" group. Come with me - there's power in numbers. We can do this. You can do this!! And you will feel so much better when you do.
By the way, if you're located in St. Petersburg, FL - my personal trainer is great and he has group and individual openings. Come workout with me!! : )
Yes, I am taking a reward for this. I have worked very hard and I want to celebrate. However, I also remember that any time I've taken a "treat" day, it's been followed by failure. Another reason why I think this is so much a spiritual battle. When I give in to temptation and over eat, I open the door for the demonic to come back 6 times worse. That's what it's always been like - once I give in, I go off the deep end worse than ever. Before my deliverance, I was eating non stop and had started purging again as well. I said all that to say this, I am takingn steps to enjoy my reward without blowing my lifestyle. Here's how: My husband is taking me out for sushi. It's my fav - I would eat sushi everyday if I could. That's what I want as my reward. That may be easier than what others might choose, but it can still be bad if I eat the way I use to. SO, my favorite restaurants are Chinese Buffets so I can eat tons of everything I like! I will be going to the restaurant I love and I will get everything I enjoy - even the bad stuff! HOWEVER, we will be buying it TO GO! We did this once before and it was perfect. I feel like I did not have to go without anything, and I actually got to enjoy Chinese and sushi for 3 days!! It's like having your cake and eating it to! Everything I want, but I can eat at my pace in my time.
So I'm waiting patiently for Tuesday (our date night) to enjoy my fav food.
On to my next goal. I realized right away that I NEED goals. I have to be able to see progress to keep going. So it's vital that I set small, attainable goals to stay motivated. Otherwise I don't see a reason to continue. For example, I still need to lose 136 pounds to reach my goal of 160. That's like 2-3 years of work. I think, why bother. . . BUT! So I've decided my next goal is to reduce my BMI to 39.9 by February 28th. I'm not sure if that can be done, but it's something to work for. My personal trainer says I can reach it in 60 days. We'll see. My BMI was 52 and now it's below 48 just based on what they say at www.fitday.com. It says 40 or higher is consider extreme obesity, so I've made it my new goal to get out of the "extremely obese" group. Come with me - there's power in numbers. We can do this. You can do this!! And you will feel so much better when you do.
By the way, if you're located in St. Petersburg, FL - my personal trainer is great and he has group and individual openings. Come workout with me!! : )
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